Heart of A Hero

Links to Parts 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Part 4

Johnny was at the hospital early. He pushed the door open to Tommy’s room where an orderly was currently being held off by the very angry and stubborn eleven year old.

“NO! YOU AREN”T CUTTING MY HAIR OFF,” He shouted at the befuddled man.

John took in the standoff and realized what was wrong, he sighed. He understood but it had to be done. “TOMMY! Stop it,” he commanded the irate child.

“He’s not gonna shave my head,” he argued mutinously, even while obeying the directive to stop fighting the man.

John threw the beleaguered man a small ‘sorry about this’ smile as he moved to the boys side. The technician rolled his eyes in frustration but stepped away to let the young paramedic talk to the recalcitrant child.

“Tommy you have to have this surgery,” he began.

“I know.”

“Well he can’t do that surgery with all that hair in the way,” he explained logically, scruffing the dark locks.

Tears welled in the boys eyes. “Then I’m not doin it,” he declared sullenly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Johnny sighed. He suspected this was a bit more than just shaving his head and may be a last ditch effort to stop the surgery without admitting that he was scared.

“Tommy; sometimes we all have to do things we don’t like and believe me…I know how you feel,” he said, running his hand through his own short hair. “I didn’t like havin to cut mine when I went into the academy either but I had to do it.”

“I’ll look stupid,” he muttered. “And the other kids will make fun of me.”

“We sometimes have to face that too. The kids made fun of me because I was half Indian and half white. It wasn’t fun but I survived it and you will too. The good thing about this is…Your hair will grow back,” he reminded him.  “But you really have to let him do this,” he prodded.

The boy’s head cocked to the side as he thought about it. John gave him the final push.

“You can’t grow up to be a fireman if they can’t get that out right?”

Tommy frowned but he finally nodded. “Okaaay,” he groaned miserably, even as his lower lip trembled at the thought.

“Good boy,” Johnny replied softly, turning to wave the orderly over.

“I’ll only shave what I absolutely have to,” he assured the boy.

Tommy swiped at the tears on his face and nodded.

The door opened and a nurse came inside. She held a syringe with a mild sedative to settle the boy’s nerves before his surgery.

The frightened eyes turned toward the tall paramedic. John threw him a wink. “I’ll stay with you right up to surgery and I’ll be waiting when you get back, and when you wake up we’ll talk about you growing up to be a paramedic,” he promised.

Tommy relaxed a bit at John’s reassurance. The nurse injected the drug into the child’s IV port. It only took a moment before his eyes grew heavy and he slipped into sleep.

John nodded at the orderly and they log rolled the child on to his side and let the man set to work.

True to his word, John followed the gurney right to the OR door before returning to the boys room to wait.

He settled into a chair and after a moment he did something he hadn’t done since his mom died. He bowed his head and began to pray.

Dixie arrived at work early. She knew Tommy Masters was having surgery this morning and she knew John was going to be waiting for word on the operation and that he’d be worried sitting up there all alone. She wanted to be sure he knew that she was here for him, especially since he didn’t want Roy to know about it.

Kel was in his office when she pushed the door open. He glanced up as she came inside and glanced at his watch, thinking it must be later than he’d thought. “Morning Dix,” he greeted, realizing it was actually earlier than she normally arrived.

“Good morning Kel.”

“You’re here early,” he commented curiously as she moved to the coffee pot on the credenza.

She nodded. “Tommy’s surgery is this morning and Johnny is probably upstairs right now worrying himself sick,” she replied.

Kel glanced at his watch again and nodded. “They’re probably prepping him for surgery right now,” he said. “Dr. Carsten’s should be scrubbing up,” he added. He would be going up to check on the boy’s progress a bit later. Brain surgery really wasn’t his forte but he knew Johnny would be worried and he wanted to be the one to tell him the verdict, especially if the news was bad just in case he responded the way he had in the office when he’d first told him the diagnosis.

Kelly Brackett was one of only four people who knew for sure that John had been an abused child and he’d chalked the reaction up to that. A condition called Childhood Traumatic Stress Disorder. He wanted to be handy if it happened again.

“Why don’t you take him a cup of coffee,” he suggested with a smile. “I’ll go up and check on Tommy as soon as Joe gets here.”

She gave him a grateful smile. “Thanks Kel,” she agreed, pouring a second cup of coffee before she headed for the door.

“Please God, don’t let Tommy lose his dream of being a firefighter,” he whispered for the hundredth time in the last half hour. It had almost become a litany. Fear that even after they got the tumor out that it could leave the boy impaired enough not to be able to achieve his dream.

Dixie heard the soft plea as she pushed the door open and her heart turned a small flip at the frightened murmur. Her eyes filled with tears and she sniffed back the threatening flood.

John’s head snapped up at the soft sound, his eyes filled with worry. “Oh uh...Hey Dix,” he murmured flushing in embarrassment that she’d caught his moment of ‘weakness’ while he tried to compose himself.

“Hi tiger,” she greeted, moving away from the door and sliding into the chair opposite the young fire fighter. She handed him the extra cup of coffee.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, taking a sip of the steaming brew.

“How are you holding up?” She asked softly.

“Me…oh hey, I’m fine,” he said with a hint of false bravado, but his eyes wouldn’t meet hers.

“Sure you are,” she teased him gently.

John threw her a sheepish half smile. “I’m a little worried,” he admitted.

“Well you don’t need to be. Kel is going up there to check things out in just a bit and you know he’ll do everything possible right,”

John nodded but he didn’t look convinced.

She smiled at him poignantly. “I have to go to work,” she told him. “But I just wanted you to know that I’ll be at the base station if you need me for anything,” she reassured him.

“Thanks Dix,” he mumbled.

The blonde nurse sighed, knowing Johnny would never admit that he needed anyone, but from the look on his face, he really needed to talk to someone. She reached over and squeezed his hand. “Call me if you need me,” she commanded gently.

He gave her a slight shrug meant to appease the woman but he had no intention of letting her see that soft part of him that he kept so carefully hidden…well at least from everyone but Roy.

She sighed in resignation and headed for the door. John just wasn’t ready to trust her that far…at least not yet.

Kelly Brackett pushed open the door to the operating room. He entered silently and moved over to the table where Dr. Carsten’s was preparing to begin Tommy’s surgery.

The older man glanced at the dark haired surgeon and gave him a brief nod of acknowledgment before turning his attention back to his small patient on the table. He looked at the team around him.

“How are we doing?” He asked.

“Oxygen levels are good…BP is 130/100, pulse is 60, respirations 20,” his surgical nurse replied.

“He’s fully induced,” his anesthesiologist added.

“Good…let’s begin.”

The group huddled in and the tension was palpable as he began to work.

“Scalpel,” he said clearly.

Roy and Jay were finishing up their morning chores and just decided to go and grab a cup of coffee when the SCU tones began to sound.

“Squad 51…Child down. 8227 March. 8-2-2-7 March, cross Street Hill Haven. Time out 9:09,”

Sam Lanier’s voice called them to attention.

The pair exchanged a quick glance before they turned and ran for the squad.

Roy hated calls where children were involved and he knew Johnny did too, and both of them threw a little something extra into rescues with children. He’d never worked with Jay before so he had no idea how he was where kids were involved.

In a way he should be grateful that John was off today. Last thing he needed was his young partner getting involved with another kid he mused.

They arrived on scene a short time later where a frantic woman was waving to them from the front stoop.

The two paramedics jumped from the cab and Roy raced around to join Jay who was already pulling the equipment from the back compartment.  They walked rapidly up the sidewalk to where the woman waited; her face pale with fear and tear streaked.

“Please hurry…It’s my son,” she cried urgently.

“What seems to be the trouble ma’am?” Roy asked as they followed the woman inside and down a hall.

“Well, he’s had a pretty bad cold the past couple of days so I kept him home from school this morning because he said he had trouble breathing,” she explained, waving them into the room where a blonde child of about seven lay on the bed, one arm around a teddy bear…His lips were a pale shade of blue from cyanosis and he was gasping for air. “I just thought he was congested,” she added as they knelt next to the bed.

“How long has he been like this?” Jay asked, setting down the biophone and grabbing the oxygen tank. Roy was quickly getting the BP Cuff and stethoscope from the drug box while Jay set the mask in place and adjusted the flow.

“He was having a little trouble this morning but it wasn’t this bad. Then I brought him breakfast a few minutes ago and found him like this,” she explained, her voice shaking with fear.

Roy took the child’s BP and then placed the stethoscope on the boy’s chest and a frown creased his forehead. “Get Rampart on the line” he told Jay urgently as he climbed to his feet.

The tow head blonde paramedic glanced up his partner. “What is it?” He questioned worriedly.

 Roy’s blue eyes flicked to the child’s mother and he lowered his voice. “I think this kid is having a heart attack,” he whispered as he turned and ran.

Jay’s eyes widened in shock and he quickly turned and grabbed the biophone.

Roy ran back inside with the cardiac monitor and the defibrillator and quickly placed the leads while half listening to Cameron’s conversation with Rampart.

“Rampart…we have a male child about seven or eight. Rampart, we believe he may having a cardiac incident. We are hooking him up to our monitor now and will send you a strip momentarily.”

“10-4 51,” Dr. Early replied from the other end.

He turned his attention back to Roy and their victim in time to see the monitor begin to display a disturbing rhythm. The child’s heart was fibrillating.

“He’s in V Fib,” Roy declared. “Tell them we’re defibrillating.”

Jay nodded as Roy grabbed the paddles and pressed the button, waiting as the whine of the machine reached the preset 200 jewels. He fired the paddles and the child’s body bucked and flopped loosely back onto the bed.

The boy’s mother moaned a low sound of terror. “What are you doing to him?” She cried in a panicky voice.

“Ma’am; your son is in cardiac arrest,” he said as gently as possible without taking his attention from his patient.

Her hands flew to her mouth in horror. “Oh my God,” she whimpered. How could this happen to a seven year old?

The monitor resumed a sinus rhythm before throwing a couple of PVC’s and then flat lining. “Damn,” Roy muttered, pressing the button to rebuild the charge.

Jay was talking to the hospital. “Rampart, we defibrillated once. Victim regained sinus rhythm and but is once again in V Fib. We are defibrillating again,” he duly reported.

“10-4 51; Start an IV 51…D5WTKO. Give one half amp sodium bicarb and start an Isopateranol drip,” he directed.

“10-4 Rampart,” Jay confirmed before he dropped the phone to grab the requested items. He heard the paddles fire once again and then the bleeping of sinus rhythm on the monitor. He quickly started the two I.V.’s and gave the child the sodium bicarb before looking to Roy.

He heard the irregular beeps and glanced at the monitor where the unmistakable trail of PVC’s were scrolling across the screen. He was afraid the child was about to flat line once again but the medications he’d been given appeared to kick in and the rhythm stabilized.

Roy and Jay both blew out a relieved breath. “Rampart…We have sinus rhythm,” he informed Dr. Early.

“10-4 51; monitor vitals and transport as soon as possible.”

“10-4 Rampart,” he acknowledged as Roy waved the arriving ambulance attendants over.

They lifted the child carefully onto the stretcher and quickly wheeled him out to the waiting vehicle.

Roy climbed in behind him leaving Jay to follow with the squad.

Dr. Carsten’s was well into Tommy’s Surgery a half hour later. He’d had to remove a small section of the boy’s skull to reach the tumor. Kel had done enough surgeries on head injuries to know that he’d repair that later.

He began to use the retractor and called for suction. The nurse complied. Carsten’s leaned closer but suddenly stopped. His head drooped and his eyes closed briefly.

“What is it?” Brackett asked worriedly, seeing the older doctor’s reaction.

Carsten’s shook his head. “There’s nothing I can do with this Kel,” he said dispiritedly. “It’s infiltrated the cerebellum and wrapped around the brain stem,” he explained.

“Dammit,” Kel cursed vehemently.

“I’m sorry Kel,” the other doctor said gently.

“Me too,” he mumbled.

“I’m going to go ahead and close,” he added.

Kel nodded in resignation. How was he going to tell Johnny? He’d be devastated. “Will chemo help?” He questioned hopefully.

The other doctor gave him a sad look. “Might hold it off for a little while, but no…It’s already spread too far into the tissue.”

“I’ll go talk to his guardians and tell Johnny,” he said softly, laying his hand on the disheartened doctor’s shoulder. 

“Thanks Kel,” he replied softly as he returned to his task.

Brackett nodded and left.

Roy followed the gurney into the treatment room where Dr. Early and another doctor were waiting. Roy had never seen this particular physician but mentally shrugged off his curiosity and returned his attention back his young patient.

“What are his vitals Roy?” Early asked as they transferred the child to the examination table.

“BP 130/90; Pulse is 120…respirations shallow,” he reported.

Early shook his head as he glanced at the other doctor. “Where do you want to start Mark?” He asked.

“Let’s get a new strip and then I want to run some more tests,” he replied.

Joe nodded and looked at Roy. “I’ll keep you informed,” he told the worried looking paramedic.

“Thanks doc,” he answered before turning and leaving the room. He headed to the base station where Jay was waiting, busily refilling the drug box.

“How’s the kid?” He asked looking up as Roy joined him.

Roy shrugged. “They’re still looking him over. Dr. Early said he’d keep us informed,” he replied moving over to the coffee pot. “You want some coffee?” He asked.

“Yeah, sure,” he responded.

Roy began to pour but hesitated briefly as Dixie joined them at the desk. “Hey Dix,” he greeted as she set herself down on the stool.

“Hi fellas,” she greeted, glancing toward Jay. He gave her a brief nod in reply. “Pour me one too,” she asked the strawberry blonde paramedic.

“Sure.” He handed her the cup and then filled one for himself and his partner.

“What brings you two in?” She questioned.

Roy shook his head. “Seven year old boy had a heart attack,” he said, still looking a bit surprised by that.

She nodded. “Happens sometimes,” she replied. “Born with some defect or they get it from being sick with something else.”

“Wow,” Roy said softly, thinking of Chris and Jenny, hoping neither of his kids ever had this happen to them.

“Would you like to have me keep you informed?” She asked before sipping her coffee.

“Yeah…Dr. Early said he’d let us know.” She nodded.

Jay set his cup down. “You about ready Roy?” He asked.

“Yeah…Let’s get back to the barn.”

Roy set his cup down and sketched a wave at the pretty blonde nurse.

“See ya Roy…Cameron.”

He and his partner headed out to the bay doors. He slid into the cab if the squad before he suddenly stopped and cocked his head to the side thoughtfully.

Jay glanced over at him. “Something wrong?”

Roy gave him a sidelong glance and a sheepish shrug. “No just odd.”

“What’s that?”

“She never asked about Johnny,” he said with a frown.

Johnny had resumed his silent litany after Dixie left. He’d been at it for sometime before he finally began to pace the room. He’d lost count of how many times he’d traversed the room before he heard the door creak behind him.

He spun around, expecting to see Dixie or some other nurse coming to change the bed sheets. He surprised to see Dr. Brackett standing in the doorway, still in his scrubs. Tommy’s surgery should have taken much longer.

Surprise turned to worry at the look on the doctor’s face and John’s stomach turned a small flip of fear as Kel’s lips pursed.

 “How’s Tommy?” He asked, afraid the boy had died on the table or something by the way Brackett looked. The reply he received was almost worse.

“Johnny…We need to talk. Why don’t you have a seat,” he suggested, sweeping his hand toward the chair.

“Why? What’s wrong?” He pressed.

“Please John,” Brackett insisted.

John sank obediently into the chair, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “Okay what?” He asked again.

“John…There’s no easy way to say this so I’m going to just come out with it. The tumor has penetrated the cerebellum of Tommy’s brain and wrapped around the brain stem.”

John’s face had paled a bit more with each word Brackett spoke. “Can they get it out,” he whispered hoarsely.

Kel looked away briefly before his dark head shook in the negative. “No John; it’s too invasive. There’s nothing Dr. Carsten’s can do. I’m uh...I’m sorry.”

John felt tears well in eyes but he quickly looked away, blinking furiously so Brackett wouldn’t see them. He began a slow rocking motion.  

He couldn’t believe this was happening; it wasn’t fair, he was just a kid. Why did this keep happening? Why did he always have to lose the people he cared about? It happened every time. It’s why he’d tried to keep Roy and his family at arm’s length too, but Roy had snuck around his defenses and gotten into his heart and his life; become a brother and best friend.

John had hoped that maybe fate had decided he’d had enough but here he was… Once again about to lose someone he’d let get too close. Roy had tried to warn him but he hadn’t listened and now he’d pay for it along with Tommy.

“Johnny? Are you okay?” Brackett asked as John seemed to shrink in on himself and begin to rock slowly. John started at the sound of Brackett’s voice and quickly wiped his hand over his face until he regained control. The rocking stopped abruptly.

“I’m fine…I’m uh…I’m fine,” he mumbled distractedly. “This isn’t right. It’s just not…It’s not fair,” he whispered.

“I know John…It’s never fair,” he soothed.

“Is there um…Is there anything they can do?” He asked miserably.

Brackett shook his head. “Carsten’s said chemo might prolong his life but it won’t save him,” he said bluntly.

John’s face twisted with grief but he quickly clenched his teeth and regained command of his emotions. He’d done it all his life, he could do it again.  He finally nodded.

“I’m going to go tell his guardians. Will you be okay?”

“Yes,” he mumbled.

“I’ll be back when I’m done. If you need anything…”

“I don’t,” he replied emotionlessly.

“I’ll tell Tommy when he wakes up.”

“No…I’ll tell him,” he said adamantly.

Kel nodded. “I’ll ask them about it. They’ll probably agree to it but it is ultimately their decision,” he warned the young paramedic.

John shot him a look that said he’d better be very persuasive but he said nothing. Kel patted John’s shoulder comfortingly before he turned and left.

Mrs. Gwinn glanced up as Dr. Brackett approached her. She frowned at the somber look on his face.

“Good morning,” he greeted the older woman. “Is Mr. Fry here?” He asked.

“No…He had to leave.   He had another case.”

“I see.”

“Has something happened?” She asked.

“Yes, I afraid it has. Dr. Carsten’s began the surgery, however…we found that the tumor has penetrated the cerebellum and wrapped around Tommy’s spinal cord.”

“I see, and is this something that you can correct?” She questioned matter of fact.

Kel’s mouth pursed in what people who knew him well would have recognized as a sign of consternation or deliberation. The dark haired physician shook his head. “No Mrs. Gwinn. We can only prolong his life but there isn’t going to be a cure,” he said grimly.

She sighed in resignation. “I see…How long do you think he has? She asked point blank.

“Hard to say exactly…depends on the grade of the tumor and how far advanced,” he explained. “Dr. Carsten’s will do a biopsy and we’ll know more after we get the results.”

“Thank you doctor,” she replied with a sigh of acceptance.

“Mrs. Gwinn?” He said softly. She glanced up questioningly. “John wants to be the one to tell Tommy,” he said hopefully.

She tilted her head, considering his request. “I do need to be there of course, but yes…I’ll allow him to tell Thomas.”

“Thank you,” he said with a small half smile. He didn’t really want to put John through this but he realized the stubborn young paramedic would fight him on it if he tried to dissuade him.

“I’ll need to call my office and the court as soon as we have a treatment plan in place,” she added.

“There may not be much we can do except make him comfortable, but we’ll see what Dr. Carsten’s has to add,” he promised as he turned toward the base station. He’d need to let Dixie know what was happening. She might agree that Roy should be let in on this situation. John might need him.

John watched the door swing shut behind Brackett before he slumped despondently into the chair.  This just wasn’t right. How could this be happening to an eleven year old kid? Tommy had already been through so much in his life. He’d already lost both parents the same way John had and then been dumped into a foster home with uncaring people.

John well understood the unfairness of it. He’d lived it himself, but at least he’d grown up, escaped from that life and achieved his dream; a dream that Tommy would be denied.

John glanced up toward the sky. “Why?” He whispered despairingly. “It’s not fair. This isn’t what I asked you for,” he said bitterly. He wiped at the tears that finally spilled over to trickle slowly down his cheeks.

John seldom cried. He’d been raised to believe they were pointless and a sign of weakness but then Roy had come into his life. He pushed him until he’d broken down the emotional barriers that John had erected around his heart and soul.

He’d pressed until the younger paramedic had cracked and let those contained emotions spill over and he’d confessed his abusive past. Roy had held him in his arms and listened without judging him.

Roy had been there for him and now it was his turn to be there for Tommy. He swiped the tears from his cheeks. He wasn’t crying for himself, he was broken hearted for the dream that Tommy would never grow up to achieve and it just wasn’t right. No child should have this happen to them, he mused, feeling wounded and hopeless.

He caught himself rocking gently as he pondered this whole horrible situation and realized he was close to slipping away. Something he’d done as a child when he’d been frightened or under great emotional stress. He didn’t know why it happened, but he hadn’t done it since he was fifteen or sixteen, at least not completely, and had thought it was gone forever, but it was back.

He pushed back the gray walls that gathered around his mind, Tommy needed him right now. His head snapped around as the door opened and two orderlies wheeled the sleeping child into the room.

John stood up, waiting patiently until the two men got the child situated on the bed. “He’s still asleep,” John said worriedly.

“He was awake a minute ago. He just fell asleep in the elevator,” one explained.

“Did he uh…did he um…say anything?” He asked hesitantly.

“Yeah…just asked where he was but he fell asleep again before we could tell him,” the other told him.

John nodded as they turned and left the room. He slid back into his seat, prepared to wait as long as it took for the boy to wake. He didn’t want him to hear this from anyone else. He didn’t want to tell him either but it had to come from someone who cared and not the efficient, business as usual attitude of his guardians.

The door opened again and Kelly Brackett stepped inside. Dr. Carstens, Dixie and Mrs. Gwinn were close behind.

John climbed to his feet as they approached the bed. “Hey doc…Dix,” he said softly giving the older gray haired woman and the other doctor a polite head bob of greeting.

“Johnny,” Kel replied for all of them before moving over to Tommy’s side with Dr. Carstens. He raised the head of the bed while Carsten’s began taking the child’s vital signs.

Dixie walked to John’s side and Mrs. Gwinn stayed close to the door and out of the way.

“Are you doing okay?” The pretty blonde nurse questioned her young friend.

John gave her a wan smile and a half hearted shrug of his shoulders, hoping she’d think he had it all together but the moisture that glistened in the dark eyes belied the gesture. He blinked them away, unwilling to let his emotions show in front of the group assembled in the room.

Dixie reached over to give him a compassionate embrace but John stiffened immediately and backed away, afraid he’d break down and totally humiliate himself at the show of sympathy.

Dixie frowned at the evasive gesture and the frozen mask of indifference. Johnny hadn’t shied away from her like that for months now. Not since Roy had broken through the walls he’d built around himself.

She decided Kel might be right. She may need to fill Roy in on what was going on. Johnny needed someone to be with him through this. Someone he could open up with and let his feelings show. It wasn’t healthy for him to hold this all inside, he already had too much packed away inside that slender body and she wasn’t about to let him slip back into that emotionless vacuum to hide his grief. If he wouldn’t allow her to help, then Roy needed to be here.

“Has he been awake?” Kel asked, breaking the tense moment.

“The orderlies said he was for a minute, but he went back to sleep before he got in here.”

Kel nodded. “Mrs. Gwinn has agreed to let you tell him John, but she does need to be here,” he warned the young paramedic.

John worried his lower lip with his teeth but gave him an agreeing nod. He didn’t want an audience but he really had no choice.  He wasn’t Tommy’s guardian, she was. Either way, there was no easy way to tell an eleven year old boy that he was going to die.

 “His vital signs are stable,” Dr. Carstens told Kel as he came up beside him.

“Good…Johnny; keep his head elevated,” Kel advised as they headed for the door. Dixie patted his arm gently but refrained from any further attempts to commiserate with the young fireman.

John nodded and waited until the door swung closed behind them before sliding back into the chair next to the boy. Mrs. Gwinn sat in the seat opposite.

John gave her a surreptitious sideways glance before he cleared his throat nervously. “Um…Have you decided on some kind of treatment?” He asked hopefully.

She folded her hands in her lap and gave Johnny a sympathetic look. “Dr. Carstens has already informed me that there is little they can do at this point Mr. Gage,” she said regretfully.

John’s mouth set in a tight, angry line. “So you aren’t going to do anything? You’re just gonna let him die without a fight?” He snapped.

“No Mr. Gage…I mean they’ll be trying some different drug therapies but they’ve told me they can only prolong his life, they can’t save it and that these drugs will make him quite sick,” she added matter of fact. 

Johns’ mouth trembled at the words so indifferently spoken, as if they were discussing the disposition of a stray cat and not a child which is why it had to be him here with Tommy through this. He was all the boy had in his life…the only one who cared. He knew all of this but it still hurt to hear.

“They’ll keep him as comfortable as possible,” she finished gently, seeing the devastated look on John’s face.

He swallowed heavily. “Oh,” he said simply.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly.

John nodded but his attention was drawn by a soft whisper of sound from the sleeping child. John stood up and moved to sit on the edge of the bed as the boys eyes began to flutter.

Tommy’s eyes blinked open and Johnny’s face swam into view. Despite the fact that his head was thumping out a rock and roll rhythm, a small smile curled the corners of his mouth at the sight of his friend, glad that Johnny had kept his promise and waited.

“Hey Johnny,” he breathed out fuzzily.

“Hey uh… kiddo,” he replied quietly, struggling to sound upbeat but still scared of the questions he knew were going to come.  His mouth quivered even as struggled to smile at the child.

“So how’d…it go?” Tommy murmured tiredly.

John’s dark eyes darted toward Mrs. Gwinn briefly before returning to the boy. Tommy saw the look and glanced at the older woman as well. He saw the serious look on the woman’s face and his gaze returned to Johnny who still hadn’t answered.

Tommy saw the pool of moisture that filled his friend’s eyes before John could blink them away. “Well Tommy; the doctor…uh went in just like he planned…,” John began.

The boy’s mouth trembled at the softly spoken words and he knew. “They didn’t get it out did they?” He asked point blank.

“Ahem,” John cleared his throat, before continuing. “Uh…no…they um…,”

“Are they gonna try something else?” He interrupted.

John glanced briefly away from the plaintive look in the boy’s eyes but he had to tell him the truth. He had a right to know. “No,” he choked out.

“What are they gonna do?” He asked matter of fact.

John’s mouth twisted with grief for a moment but he drew in a deep breath and got it under control. “Well…they have some drugs they want… to try…,” he began.

Tommy saw John’s face and what he wasn’t saying was clear. He glanced toward Mrs. Gwinn and saw the truth in her eyes as well.

“I’m not gonna get better am I?” He asked point blank, his voice just above a whisper.

John drew in a shuddering breath. “We’ll try,” he gasped in a strangled voice.

Despite the pain in his head, Tommy launched himself off the pillow and into John’s arms. “I’m never gonna grow up to be a fireman am I,” he wept against John’s shoulder.

John wrapped his arms around the weeping child and held him against him, rocking him as his own tears welled up, he slammed the walls down around his emotions; he wouldn’t break down when the boy needed him to be a rock. “No,” he whispered against the boy’s hair.

Mrs. Gwinn stood up and moved over to the two. “Thomas…You need to lie back down,” she said authoritatively, trying to pull the boy loose from John’s grip.

Tommy clung even tighter. “No…No; just leave me alone,” he cried, refusing to let go.

“It’s alright,” John assured the woman.

“We’re going to try some different types of drugs…,” she began.

Tommy drew back a bit. “Will they help?” He asked John plaintively.

“They’ll help,” she answered for the young paramedic.

“But not… a cure,” he said sadly, his breaths hitching through his tears.

“No.”

“It’s not fair,” he said dejectedly, laying his head back on John’s chest.

“No it’s not,” John commiserated unhappily. “But we’ll try everything we can; I promise you,” he vowed, rubbing the boys back comfortingly.

Tommy shrugged against him. “Why bother,” he muttered in defeat.

John pushed him back gently and eased him down on the bed. “Because you don’t quit; not ever…do you hear me?” John snapped, shaking a finger under the boy’s nose.

Tommy’s small face twisted in grief and he looked away. He didn’t want John to be angry with him, but he didn’t see any point in fighting a losing battle. He finally shrugged and closed his eyes hoping John would think he was complying with his directive.

He wanted to think…To try and figure out what he wanted to do but he was exhausted and in pain and he just wanted to sleep and hope when he woke this would all be just a bad dream.

John saw the tear filled eyes close and sighed. The boy had just come out of surgery and he had to be exhausted and in pain and he needed to rest. He’d try talking to him more when he woke up.

He hoped Mrs. Gwinn would leave. He needed to get himself under control as well. His heart was breaking and he wished he could just let it go, but that wasn’t how he was raised and he had no one to go to. Roy couldn’t know about this…He’d never hear the end of it, and he didn’t want Dixie to see him fall apart.

Mrs. Gwinn sighed as she watched the boy drift off to sleep. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of this Mr. Gage,” she said gently.

Johnny nodded. “I’m sorry too,” he whispered.

“I need to go back to the office now but Dr. Brackett can reach me if anything happens. Please call me if you choose to distance yourself from this issue,” she said as if Tommy were an unpleasant problem that needed to be dealt with.

“I won’t,” he said determinedly.

She nodded solemnly. “I didn’t think you would.” She turned and picked up her purse and headed for the door.

Johnny returned to his chair. He slid into it, prepared to stay all night. He closed his eyes and let his thoughts swirl…This just wasn’t right but there was absolutely nothing he could do. His heart hurt and he fought the threatening tears, blinking them away before letting the comforting rock and gray walls slide around him.

Roy and Jay trotted along beside the stretcher of the heart patient they’d just brought in. Jay had taken the lead on this one so Roy let the door swing closed behind his temporary partner and headed for the base station, hoping to get a cup of coffee before heading back to the station.

Dixie was sitting at the desk with a pensive look. She didn’t seem to notice Roy until he poured a cup of coffee and moved over to the desk.

“Hey Dix,” he greeted the pretty blonde.

The woman jumped and spun about on her chair to face him with her hand pressed over her chest in surprise. “Roy,” she gasped out.

“I’m sorry Dixie. I didn’t mean to startle you,” the tall, blonde man apologized.

“It’s okay,” she said, calming down and turning back to her work, reaching to pick up one of the charts in front of her.

“What had you so deep in thought?” He asked her curiously.

She stopped in mid reach. Her hand dropped to the counter as she contemplated whether to answer. John had asked her not to tell his partner but darn it…the kid needed to have someone to support him through this and he wouldn’t let her help.

She glanced over to where Roy was standing, waiting patiently for her to answer. “Johnny,” she said simply.

Roy grinned, not understanding her reply and thinking she had finally realized he wasn’t there today. “I was wondering when you’d notice that he wasn’t here,” he teased. “But unfortunately I can’t…” he began to explain that he didn’t know why John had called in either, but she interrupted him.

“He’s here,” she said simply.

Roy glanced around in confusion before he realized what she meant. “What? You mean as a patient? Is he upstairs…is he okay?” He pressed worriedly, looking as if he might bolt for the elevators.

“Whoa...Whoa…Johnny’s fine; He’s fine” she stressed, holding up a hand to calm the man down.

“He’s fine?” He clarified anxiously. She nodded. “Then why is he here? I know he called to take a personal day but he didn’t say what.”

Dixie heaved a sigh. Roy needed to know so he could be there for the younger man but she hated breaking her word. She’d already begun and had to press on. “It’s Tommy Roy; he’s here for Tommy.”

Roy blew out a breath. John hadn’t mentioned Tommy much for weeks. “What’s happening with the kid now?” He asked curiously, hoping it wasn’t anything serious.

“Roy…Tommy’s dying,” she said softly.

The blonde man’s mouth dropped open in shocked horror. “That’s not possible,” he breathed out.

 “I’m afraid it is.”

“How? What happened? Why didn’t Johnny tell me?” He barked, looking confused and angry at the same time.

“He has an inoperable brain tumor Roy,” she explained. “They did surgery this morning to try and remove it but it’s too far advanced.”

“Oh God,” he whispered. “Johnny must be devastated,” he added in dismay.

“Yes he is. He’s trying to hold it together but he’s pretty upset.”

“Why didn’t he tell me?” He asked again.

“He was afraid you’d be mad at him for getting involved. That you’d say I told you so.”

“I just didn’t want him to get hurt, and I was right wasn’t I,” he snapped.

Her hands landed on her hips. “You know what Roy DeSoto? You can be a really pompous ass,” she snapped angrily.

Roy drew back in shocked surprise at the woman’s vehement rebuke. He finally realized she was right. He’d just done exactly what Johnny was afraid of. The very reason John hadn’t confided in him. “I’m sorry Dixie,” he began. “Johnny was the one who was right all along. He saw a child that needed someone and stepped up and did something while the rest of us turned a blind eye. Guess that makes him a better person and a better paramedic,” he said, looking a bit disgusted that he’d let the job strip that humanity from him. “I guess my partner still has a lot to teach me,” he said ruefully.

Dixie’s face softened at the regretful words. “Good; now why don’t you head upstairs and see if you can practice it on Johnny. He really needs you right now,” she told him quietly.

He nodded. “What room?”

“413…He’s pretty uptight but he’s holding it all in,” she warned him.

Roy tossed the handy talkie in his hand. “Let Cameron know I’ll be back in few minutes.”

She nodded and smiled as Roy headed for the elevators.

 Johnny sat slumped in the chair next to Tommy’s bed. Unsure of how long he’d been there mulling over this whole miserable situation and knowing there was nothing he could do about it. That all he could do was to be there for him every step of the way; to make whatever time Tommy had left the best it could be.

This whole situation was just so unfair, he mused for the hundredth time this morning. Tears filled his eyes again at the thought and he caught the soft motion of the soothing rocking he’d been unable to keep under control this morning. Catching himself and stopping it over and over; this time he didn’t try to stop it.

“Damn,” he whispered to himself, wiping at his eyes to stop them from overflowing and letting the gentle back and forth motion calm his frayed nerves.

He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he never heard the door open behind him.

Roy walked slowly through the corridor in the pediatric wing. A worried furrow between his eyes as he contemplated what he’d just heard from Dixie. “Why didn’t you tell me Junior,” he muttered to himself.

Johnny usually told him everything that was going on in his life now that Roy had broken down that walls he’d built around him, but he hadn’t felt he could confide in him about something this devastating in his life.

He hung his head as he thought of Dixie’s rebuke, unhappy with himself that he’d done exactly what Johnny had been afraid he’d do and vowing silently that he wouldn’t give his young partner a single ‘I told you so’ no matter what happened.

He pushed the door open quietly and stopped as he heard John’s soft curse and saw his friends hand swipe at his eyes. He knew John would think it a weakness to let down his guard…that tears hadn’t been allowed by his family.

His blue eyes darted toward the child in the bed, he appeared to be sleeping. They returned to his friend and his heart broke as he noted the soft rock. He’d seen Johnny do this a couple of times before and only when he was very, very disturbed. He needed to get him to talk to him.

“Johnny?” He called softly. There was no response. Roy reached out and laid his hand on his partner’s shoulder.

John seemed to shrink away from the touch before he realized who was there. The lost dark eyes lifted to meet worried blue. “Roy,” he breathed out, half grateful and half fearful of his friend’s reaction. “What are you doing here? How did you know?” He asked as his eyes darted toward Tommy.

“Dixie told me you were here.”

“I asked her not too,” he whispered.

“I know…what I don’t know is why?” John looked away and Roy reached out to turn his head back toward him. “I don’t know why my best friend didn’t think he could tell me about something this important to him,” he stressed.

“I thought…I guess I…I figured you’d be mad.”

“Mad?” He asked in shock.

“Mad that I got involved when you warned me not too.”

Roy curled his hand around behind John’s neck and pulled him a bit closer. “I was wrong. I’ve been doing this a long time Junior and sometimes it’s easier to not get involved. It’s also easier to lose a piece of yourself when you do that?” John looked at him questioningly. “Your heart Junior,” he explained. “We lose a piece of our hearts…The ability to care about the victims we treat. You still have that and I shouldn’t have tried to take that away.”

“You didn’t want me to get hurt…I didn’t think this would…”

“Who did? Roy interrupted. “Who’d have imagined this happening? No one…But I’m here for you Junior,” he promised.

John’s eyes flooded with tears and he reached up to swat them away. Roy grabbed his long fingers in his own. “Don’t…Don’t hide them junior.” John shook his head, trying to deny that he’d almost broken but Roy dropped to one knee next to him and pulled the dark head against his shoulder. “Let them go,” he whispered.

“I c...can’t,” he hiccupped brokenly.

“You can…It’s okay,” he urged.

He heard the soft gasp from his young friend and the rapid breaths. “It’s not…not fair Roy...He’s only eleven…It’s just not fair,” he wept.

“I know…I know it isn’t,” he breathed out against the sable hair. “I wish I had some great insight Junior but I don’t. All I can do is promise that I’ll be here when you need me. Whatever, wherever or however okay,” he vowed.

John nodded against him. Roy held him until the flood ceased and the gasping breaths eased. John sat back while he older man reached over to pluck a couple of tissues from the box on the night stand and handed them to his partner.

He looked over toward the sleeping child, giving Johnny a chance to regroup and compose himself. He looked back to find John studying his hands, his face flushed in embarrassment. The sensitive mouth trembled before he opened it to apologize. “I uh…I’m so…”

“Don’t,” Roy said softly. “Don’t you dare apologize for feeling,” he said sternly. “And for caring about a dying child,” he added.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, sniffing back the last vestiges of tears. “I have to be strong Roy…He needs me to be,” he said nodding at the boy.

“Yeah…Maybe, but when you need to talk…I’ll be there…Don’t shut me out Johnny okay?”

“Okay,” he promised his friend.

“I have to get back to Cameron, but…if you need me..Call or tell Dixie and she’ll let me know okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise...You won’t go this alone?”

“Promise.”

Roy scruffed the dark hair in big brother fashion and headed for the door. John gave him a tremulous smile as he turned back toward his young partner. Roy gave him a final wink before slipping out the door.

He took the elevator down to the ground floor. Dixie was at the base station with Jay when he approached. She gave him a worried frown.

Roy gave her a subtle bob of his head before he turned to his temporary partner. “Let’s get back to the barn.”

“Sure Roy,” he agreed.

“Call me if he needs me,” he mouthed at the pretty blonde nurse.

She smiled and nodded as they headed off down the hall.

Tommy slept off and on throughout the afternoon and evening. The medications he was receiving were doing their job and keeping the child in a twilight world, drowsy and pain free.

When Tommy was awake, he was silent and brooding, refusing to speak to anyone including Johnny…His mind still foggy from medications and having to deal with the reality that his dreams and  his hopes had been destroyed. There was no longer any hope of a life…a future, and worse, the man he’d wished with all his heart was his dad had lied to him. He’d promised him he’d get well but it wasn’t true.

The door opened and a young aid stepped into his room, drawing him from his silent musings.

The young paramedic tried several times to draw the boy into conversation, even though he was unsure what to say…how to console a child who’d just been told he’d never grow up to have the dreams he’d longed for.

Tommy turned away with each attempt and John finally gave up, thinking that he needed time to process the horrifying information that he’d been given.

The aid brought his tray in at dinnertime but Tommy closed his eyes and turned toward the wall, refusing to eat.

She started to protest but John shook his head. “Just leave it,” he murmured.

She nodded, giving John a sympathetic look and left the room.

He turned his attention back to the boy. “Tommy,” Johnny said softly. There was no response. “Tommy; you have to eat,” he prodded, not really expecting an answer since he’d been ignoring his attempts all day. He was surprised when the child suddenly answered.

“Why? I’m gonna…die anyway,” he hiccupped brokenly.

“Don’t give up Tommy…We’re gonna beat…,” Johnny began.

The boy rolled his head toward the paramedic. “SHUT UP!” He yelled as tears pooled and began to course down the child’s face. “YOU TOLD ME THAT BEFORE BUT YOU LIED!” He screamed angrily.

John’s mouth dropped open in shock at the anger in the child’s voice. “No…No I didn’t lie,” he replied. “It was just…,”

“YES YOU DID. YOU LIED…I HATE YOU…JUST GET OUT,” he shrieked as his hand lifted to touch his now throbbing head. Tears flowed down the boys face as he glared his rage at the dumbstruck young man who sat beside him.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny mumbled, rising from the edge of the bed, He didn’t want to leave but he didn’t want Tommy getting himself this upset either. John turned and headed for the door to give the boy some time to himself.

He reached for the knob but was stopped by Tommy’s panicked cry. “No don’t.”

John turned to see the boy sitting up, tears of grief and pain still dripping from his chin. “You just said…,” he began.

“I didn’t…mean it,” he cried. “Please…don’t ll…leave me,” hiccupped through his tears.

Johnny retraced his steps and sat down on the edge. Tommy leaned into his chest and the tall man’s arms closed about him comfortingly. “It’s okay.”

“I’m s..sorry,” he sniffled.

“Don’t be,” John said reassuringly, remembering Roy’s words to him earlier. “Don’t apologize for feeling okay?” He murmured against the dark hair.

“I’m scared,” he mumbled.

“I know you are and I wish I knew how to fix this, but I can’t,” he said sorrowfully.

“It’s not…your fault,” Tommy whispered.

“No…but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with,” John admitted sadly. He hated knowing that there was absolutely nothing he could do to help this child he’d grown so fond of.

“Are you…gonna go away…now?”

“No…Why would I do that?” He asked in surprise.

“I can’t be…I mean…I won't. Be able to save lives now,” he said forlornly, thinking it was the only reason John had taken an interest in him.

The tall paramedic looked shocked. “Tommy no…Do you think that’s the reason I wanted to be with you?” He felt the head nod against him. “No….It doesn’t matter.”

“Did to me,” he whispered.

“I know…But I promise. I’ll be here every minute I can be okay?”

“Thank you,” he whispered as his arms tightened around the dark haired fireman.  My head really hurts,” he admitted.

John wasn’t surprised considering all the emotional upheaval of the last few minutes. “I’ll call a nurse to get your meds. You just lay back and rest okay?” He suggested, laying the child back against the pillows.

He wiped tears from his own eyes, wondering how in the world he was going to get through this. He’d buried his own feeling for so long he wasn’t sure he was equipped to handle this, let alone help a dying child come to grips with his own mortality.

He sighed and rang for the nurse.

A pretty young woman named Elaine poked her head in. John had seen her several times in the ER taking children upstairs. “Hi John…What can I do for you?” She asked the sad looking fireman.

“Tommy’s head hurts. He needs his meds,” he told her, nodding to the now quiet child drowsing against the pillows.

“I’ll get them,” she said, leaving the room. She returned a few minutes later and injected the medication into Tommy’s IV line.

The handsome, dark eyed paramedic gave her a slight smile which she returned and then left the room.

Her heart ached for him. She liked John and she admired the idea that he’d taken the orphaned child under his wing and knew his heart was breaking at the idea of losing him. It was so unfair, she mused, but she’d been a nurse long enough to have seen a mountain of unfair situations involving children.

Johnny waited for the child to fall asleep before he returned to his chair. It wasn’t long for the stress and emotional roller coaster took its toll; John’s eyes closed in exhausted sleep.

John was startled awake when a hand gently touched his shoulder, giving it a light shake. He jumped and looked up at his partner standing close to his side.

“Hey junior,” the older man greeted.

“Hi…what time is it?” He asked blearily, glancing around the darkening room.

“After seven,” he answered. “Cam and I just brought in a patient so I thought I’d run up to check on you and Tommy,” he explained. “How’s he doing?” He asked.

“Not so good,” John replied forlornly.

“Don’t blame him,” Roy commiserated before pressing him for more details. “What happened?”

The dark head shook in a negative motion. “He said he hated me. “Said I lied to him,” he mumbled despondently.

Roy laid his hand back on his shoulder. “He didn’t mean it,” he assured him.

“No…I know…He told me to get out, but when I went to leave he begged…begged me not to leave him,” he explained with a hitch in his voice.

“Anger is normal Johnny…Denial, anger and acceptance of it,” he said, remembering his grandfather when he’d been told he had cancer.

John shrugged. Knowing why didn’t necessarily make it hurt less. “He broke down in my…arms,” he whispered.

Roy knew how difficult that would have been for his emotionally challenged, young partner, but he also knew from having dealt with John the last couple of months that it was actually what the boy probably needed most.

“That’s good,” Roy assured him. “Not holding it all in is the best thing for him, he added, giving his friend a meaningful sideways glance.

The dark head snapped up and the chocolate brown eyes locked with Roy’s for a brief moment before a small, quirky smile lifted the corner of his mouth, knowing his partner was talking about him as well.

“Thanks Pally,” he said wryly.

“You gonna be here tomorrow?” He asked. John nodded. “You’ll call me if you need anything?” He asked.

“Yeah,” John agreed.

“Good…Will you be back to work on Thursday?” He pressed.

John didn’t have an option. He couldn’t stay here for weeks or months. “Yeah…I can’t take off too much time. I just want to be here till I’m sure he’ll be okay without me.”

“I know…I’ll see you then if not before,” he replied giving John a gentle nudge.

“Okay.”

Roy turned and left, wishing he could stay with his best friend for moral support. He hated leaving his young partner to handle all this by himself. He’d already lost both of his parents before the age of twelve and he didn’t need another loss to deal with, and this was particularly devastating and out of John’s league.

“Hey Roy?” John’s voice called, stopping him in mid stride.

“Yeah Junior?” He questioned turning back.

“Thanks for not saying ‘I told ya so,’” He said quietly.

Roy felt a twinge of guilt that he had; at least to Dixie, but John didn’t need to know that. He sent a silent thanks to Dix that she’d jumped down his throat before he could make an ass of himself to John. The poor kid didn’t need that right now…He needed support. “You were right Johnny. Tommy needed you,” he answered honestly, before he turned and left the room.

John put his feet up in the other chair across from him. He closed his eyes and sleep claim him.

John was exhausted and slept through the night, not even waking when the nurses had brought Tommy’s dinner in apparently as it still sat uneaten on the rolling bed table. The boy’s eyes were closed in sleep and John sat up slowly, stretching the kinks from his lanky frame as the door opened and two nurses bustled in to begin their morning routine.

Tommy began to stir and Johnny moved over to the bed as the boy’s pale brown eyes fluttered open.  “Hey kiddo,” he greeted the drowsy child.

“Hi,” the boy replied somberly, almost surprised to see that John was still there after his angry tirade the night before.

“Looks like you missed your dinner last night,” he said, nodding toward the congealed and now unappetizing looking food on the tray. Come to think of it…it wasn’t that appetizing even when it was hot, John mused knowingly from his own personal experience.

Tommy shrugged. “I wasn’t hungry anyway,” he murmured.

“Well; maybe breakfast will be better,” he suggested, hearing the hungry rumble of his own empty stomach.

“Not hungry,” the boy mumbled in response.

John sighed. “You have to eat…please,” he added, seeing the mutinous set of the boy’s mouth.

Tommy glanced at John and saw the serious but worried look on his face and gave in. “I’ll try.”

John smiled at him. “Thanks kiddo,” John said softly, sweeping the old tray from the table and handing it to one of the nurses. “Can you get someone to bring him his breakfast?” He asked.

The older nurse nodded as she plucked the tray from Johnny’s hand. “Of course. …I’m sure we can find something your stomach can handle,” she said, knowing the medications were most likely making the child nauseous.

John shot a glance at Tommy. “Are you sick?” He asked in concern.

The boy shrugged half heartedly in reply.

“You should have told me,” Johnny reprimanded the boy sternly.

“Why? Nothin you can do about it,” he replied.

“Yes there is….they have medicine for that,” the older man told him.

“You’ll think I’m a whiney baby,” he answered just above a whisper.

John stared at the boy in disbelief. “No…Why would you think that? You have every right to be upset here considering the circumstances.”

Tommy gave him a hard stare. “You deal with it…You could die too…every day…You don’t cry.”

John’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Tommy…That’s not the same thing,” he pointed out.

“Why?”

John blew out a frustrated breath. This child asked some tough questions. “Because even though it’s dangerous, I have all the equipment and my crew mates and…it’s just not the same. Not cert…uh,” he trailed off, not wanting to remind him that his case was incurable and certainly terminal.

Tommy shrugged. It was the same as far as he was concerned. John faced his own death every shift and went out and did it without complaint. “I don’t want you to think I’m a cry baby,” he whispered.

John shook his head vehemently.  “No Tommy I won’t…I promise. Now you promise me, from now on… you’ll tell me if you’re sick or in pain okay?”

“Okay,” he murmured. 

John gave him a gentle nudge on the cheek, drawing a faint grin from the boy.

The nurse returned a moment later. “Dr. Brackett told me I could give him Compazine,” she said, injecting the drug into the boy’s IV port.

The aid followed a moment later with a tray containing oatmeal and toast, setting the food down in front of him.

Tommy ate slowly, swallowing hard and trying to keep his stomach from sending the offering back. Both he and Johnny were pleased that he managed to keep it down and that he seemed to feel a bit better for having eaten.

Dr. Brackett pushed open the door as Tommy pushed the tray away. “Good morning you two,” he said cheerfully, trying to sound upbeat for Tommy’s sake while holding the door for Dr. Carstens to follow him in.

“Mornin Doc,” John replied. “Dr. Carstens,” he said, nodding at the older man politely.

“Hi,” Tommy said quietly to both of them.

Both Doctor’s sensed the subtle change in the child and realized that he was coming through the normal process of facing one’s own death and was bordering on acceptance of what couldn’t be changed. They knew that Johnny’s presence was helping in that regard. This would be a long time coming with no one who cared or the cold, impersonal attitudes of Mrs. Gwinn or Mr. Fry.

“How are you feeling?” Brackett asked as Carsten’s began to unwind the head wrap.

Tommy shrugged. “My head hurts some,” he admitted as the doctor checked the wound.

Brackett flashed a penlight in the boy’s eyes to check the pupillary reponse. He grunted non committal as they reacted normally.

“Looks good Kel,” Carstens commented.

“Good…Did you eat?” Brackett asked.

Tommy nodded. “Thought I was gonna barf earlier,” he said with a complete lack of diplomacy.

Kel chuckled while John hid his smirk of amusement behind his hand. Carsten’s gave an impressive eye roll of suppressed laughter. Tommy glanced between the three older men in confusion at their reaction before giving a shrug bemusement at their odd behavior.

“I’m afraid that’s the medicine we’re giving you,” Brackett informed him.

He nodded. “Yeah…that’s what the nurse said.”

“We’re adding a new medication to help you with that,” he promised.

“We’ll be taking you up for X-rays shortly,” Carsten’s informed him, re-bandaging the boys head, though much with a much lighter wrap.

“What for?” John asked curiously.

“Checking the surgery site and the size of the tumor… We need to map it so we can tell if there are any changes from the medication,” he informed the young paramedic.

“So it could make it better?” Tommy asked hopefully.

Carstens and Brackett frowned at the question. John saw it and noted their hesitation. “Don’t lie to him,” he said quietly.

Brackett nodded. “No Tommy,” Brackett replied. “But it could slow it down…Maybe shrink it for a time, but it won’t cure it,” he replied somberly.

Tommy’s face fell and his mouth quivered for a moment before he bit down on it and brought it under control. “Oh,” he whispered. The sherry brown eyes lifted to meet John’s. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

“For what?” Johnny asked, looking a bit bewildered at being thanked for letting the doctor give him bad news.

“For not letting them lie to me,” he said quietly. “I’d rather know the truth,” he admitted.

“I know you would,” John answered seriously.

The two older doctor’s through a surprised look at the pair. Both would rather have left the child in the dark for as long as possible, but John shrugged off their look. “It’s his life…It’s his right,” he said simply.

The pair nodded in understanding, giving the boy a gentle pat on the arm before they headed out the door.

John made sure that Tommy ate before he headed down to the cafeteria to find something for himself. He ate quickly and returned to Tommy’s room.

Tommy was awake but staring broodingly out the window, lost in his own thoughts.

“What’s so interesting out there?” Johnny asked softly, trying to draw the boy into conversation.

 “Just thinkin,” he mumbled.

“About what?” Johnny asked, afraid he already knew but wanting the child to talk out his fear and anger the way Roy had for him.

Tommy’s thin shoulders lifted hesitantly, but he didn’t reply.

 “I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me,” he pressed.

“You can’t help me anyway,” Tommy said matter of fact.

John sighed. The boy was right, there wasn’t anything he could say or do to change the situation or really even make it better. He sat down in the chair. All he could do was wait the boy out and hope he’d eventually break his silence. A few moments later he got his wish. It didn’t take long to wish he hadn’t.

“Johnny?” He asked tentatively.

“Yeah,” he replied casually.

“What’s it like to die?” He asked.

John’s breath seemed to freeze in his lungs; the dark eyes widened in surprise at the pointed question. “I…I uh…I don’t really know,” he croaked out honestly.

Tommy worried his lower lip for a moment. “Well…Do you think it hurts?” He asked.

John blinked back the sudden rush of moisture that filled his eyes. “I don’t…maybe…I mean…I guess it would depend on how,” John stammered lamely.

“Do you think it will with what I have?” He pressed on.

John hesitated. The boy was already in pain and he had no idea how bad it might get. He look of anger briefly crossed his face.  ‘How could you let this happen?’ He silently asked God for the hundredth time before he got control “I’ll make sure it doesn’t,” he said reassuringly.

Tommy nodded in satisfaction at that response. He was silent or a long moment before he looked at Johnny again. “Is Heaven real?” He asked, remembering the Sunday school class one of his foster parents had taken him to before the Wallace’s had taken him in.

John swallowed hard. Dear God…He’d never expected the boy to ask questions like this and he didn’t know if he had the answers he was searching for. “Yeah…I mean…I believe it is?” He stuttered uncertainly.

“Will I go there?”

John blew out a bewildered breath. “I uh…I think…I mean I guess…Tommy I don’t know. I know what I was taught by my parents and…”

The door opened and John blew out a relieved breath that this conversation had been interrupted. Two orderlies entered the room pulling a gurney with them.

 “We’re taking him down to X-ray,” one of them explained.

John nodded. Brackett had told them he’d be doing that. “Yeah…I’ll be here when you get back,” he told Tommy.

“Okay,” the boy mumbled uncertainly.

The two orderlies shifted the boy over, rearranging his IV’s and getting him settled before they wheeled him out.

Johnny sank into his chair and rubbed his hands over his face in frustration. He was out of his depths here.  He knew what his mom and dad had taught him and what he himself had learned in church when he was a child. He knew what he believed in his own heart but he didn’t have the words to explain it adequately to this child.

The door opened again and Kelly Brackett stepped into the room. His eyes raked over the young paramedic. Johnny was leaning forward in his chair. His elbows resting on his knees while his hands rubbed at his face. The dejection in his posture and the gesture was heartbreaking.

“Johnny?” He called softly. The dark head snapped up and the woebegone expression in the chocolate colored eyes brought a rush of sympathy to the older doctor. “What happened?”

John shrugged. “It’s Tommy Doc…He’s asking some real tough questions,” he admitted.  

“About what?”

“D…dy…ing,” Johnny stuttered. “He wants to know if it…will hurt,” John stammered hesitantly.

“We’ll be sure he stays heavily medicated as it progresses,” Kel promised the younger man.

“Thanks,” John whispered, not wanting to think about it. “he asked about Heaven and if he was going to go there,” he added, barely audible.

“Oooh,” Kel breathed out. “Poor kid. What did you tell him?”

“I d…didn’t know what to ss…say,” he confessed despairingly. “I mean…I know what I believe but…”

Kel rested his hand gently on John’s shoulder. “But you aren’t sure how to explain it,” he sympathized.

“I’m a paramedic doc, not…Ya know,” he mumbled.

“Not a preacher…,” Kel added with a soft, knowing smile. John nodded ruefully. “It’s okay; I know someone who can help Johnny. I’ll talk to him and have him come talk to Tommy okay?”

John blew out a relieved breath. “Thanks doc,” he replied gratefully.  His aunt and Roy had been right. How could he have ever thought he could be a father to this child?  He knew he wasn’t emotionally equipped to deal with such important questions and the answers he couldn’t explain.

He himself had been raised in two very different cultures with very diverse beliefs. His mother had chosen to follow her husband’s faith and they had raised Johnny in his church, even though she hadn’t taken him often when his father wasn’t home. She didn’t have a car and it was a long walk to town, but she’d still taught him the bible.

His grandfather hadn’t allowed it after his mother had died and Lord knew he hadn’t seen any sign of it in them with the abuse he’d suffered at their hands, but his aunt had followed suit when he’d come to live with her.

 He’d been confused why bad things had happened to him, but he hadn’t stopped believing and now with Tommy being sick…He was angry, not for what he’d been through, but for this child. He was perplexed at the way bad things happened to good people. Why wasn’t God hearing his prayers…why was this child dying and would never live his dream. It wasn’t fair.

The orderlies returned with Tommy a short while later. They made the transfer to the bed and left the room.

Tommy laid his head back. The pinched expression and squinting eyes told John that the child was in pain.

“Are you okay?” John asked in concern.

“My head hurts,” he mumbled tiredly.

Probably all the shifting about and nerves had elevated his BP, giving the boy a nasty headache. “Oh, I’ll see if I can get the nurse to get you something.”

Tommy shrugged indifferently.

John worried his lower lip with his teeth for a long moment before he pressed the button to call the nurse. “Is there anything else?” He asked, a bit worried that Tommy would resume asking the tough questions.

Tommy turned his face toward the window. “No,” he murmured. John saw the closed off expression and felt that he’d somehow let the boy down and made the decision to just tell him what he believed in his own heart if the child asked again.

“Are you angry with me about something?” Johnny asked worriedly. “I mean…we can talk about whatever you want,” he hinted.

Tommy had sensed his reticence to talk about the one subject that had been preying on his mind. He’d also sensed that John was a bit angry, but misinterpreted who he was angry with. He shook his head as the nurse pushed open the door.

“Is there a problem Johnny?” The young nurse asked.

“Hey Elaine; No…Tommy has a headache and needs his meds,” he explained.

“I’ll pull his chart and see what Dr. Brackett ordered.”

“Thanks.”

“Tommy?” John tried again after Elaine had left the room.

“Do you still wanna talk about uh…ya know. What we were talking about before?” He pressed, willing to step out of his comfort zone if that’s what the boy needed.

“No,” Tommy replied with a shrug, not wanting John to be uncomfortable and maybe leave and not come back. “Just don’t feel good,” he replied.

John sighed, but didn’t want to press any further if the boy really wasn’t feeling well. “Okay,” replied as the door opened and Elaine came back with the medication.

She injected it into Tommy’s IV port. It only took a few moments before the boys eyes drifted shut.

John rubbed tiredly at his face and sank into the chair.

The boy slept off and on throughout the rest of the day and when he was awake, he spent the time watching TV and talking of the shows on the television. He refused John’s attempts to talk about what was really on his mind and heart. John wasn’t sure whether to be frustrated or relieved.

Johnny woke him early the next morning. “I’m on duty today,” he explained quietly. “But I’ll be up whenever I can okay?”

“Okay,” Tommy whispered quietly back. “You will come back right?” He asked looking a bit nervous.

“I’ll be back,” he reassured him.

The boy nodded and Johnny headed for the station.

Johnny rolled into work the next morning only seconds ahead of Chet. He ran into the locker room to change and found Roy waiting for him.

“Hey junior,” he greeted his young friend as Johnny whipped open his locker and began to strip off his street clothes.

“Hey Palley,” he returned tiredly.

Roy frowned at the dark circles under his partners chocolate brown eyes and the dull sound of his voice. “You okay?” He asked.

“Been at the hospital for three straight days,” he murmured.

“What for?” Chet asked, sauntering into the room in time to hear the last rejoinder.

“None of your business,” John shot back, casting a sidelong look at the older paramedic. He turned back to his locker and continued to change.

Chet stood in front of his own locker giving Johnny a suspicious stare. “So where were you last shift?” He asked point blank.

“Whadda you care?” John replied frostily.

“What are you so touchy for Gage? What’s the big secret?” Chet pressed.

John heaved a sigh. “Because it’s my business that’s all.”

“Some new nurse? Is that it? You trying to hit on some babe at Rampart and she won’t go out with you?”

“CHET!” John growled.

Roy almost grinned at the Irishman’s persistence, knowing how private John was about his personal life and how much Chet loved to try and pry information about it out of him but this was different. John didn’t need to be harassed right now.  “Just leave it alone Kelly,” he said quietly.

Chet’s blue eyes shifted to the tall, strawberry blonde paramedic. Roy didn’t often intervene unless the younger man was truly getting upset about his teasing, so whatever was going on it was serious and probably not some chick. “Sure Roy,” he said turning to his locker and beginning to change.

John breathed out a relieved breath and slammed his locker closed. He shot Roy a small half smile of gratitude before he gave Chet one final withering glare and headed for the door. “You coming?” He asked Roy.

“Yeah…Be there in a minute,” he reassured his young friend.

John nodded and disappeared through the door. Roy turned to the curly haired, Irish fireman. “Do me a favor Kelly,” he said quietly.

“What’s that?” He questioned cautiously.

“Lay off Johnny this shift okay? He’s got some stuff goin on and he hasn’t had much sleep.”

“Yeah, well we all know how cranky he gets when he’s tired,” Chet said as if John were an unruly toddler. He waited for the paramedic to grin and agree but he didn’t…he just nodded and turned to leave, satisfied that Chet had gotten the message.

Kelly frowned as Roy walked away. “Roy?” He called after him.

“Yeah?”

“Gage isn’t like…sick or anything is he?” He questioned, worried that Johnny might really have something serious that had put him in the hospital.

“No…It’s not Jo…uh…I mean Johnny’s fine,” he said catching himself. He didn’t want to give the man too much information and have him start asking nosey questions that would just upset the young paramedic.

 Roy turned and left the room leaving Chet staring at him suspiciously, his curiosity unabated.

Johnny was leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee when Roy entered the day room. John turned and poured his partner a mug of the steaming brew, handing it to him as he came up beside him. The pair turned to where Captain Hammer sat with Mike, Marco and the C Shift crew.

Charlie Dwyer and Kirk Carlson rose to their feet, free to go now that both A Shift Paramedics were in the station and ready to take a call. They headed for the door, bumping into Chet as he came inside still pinning his badge over his right breast pocket.

“Hey Kelly,” they greeted before slipping past him and taking off toward the locker room.

“Hey guys,” he returned.

Marco and Mike gave their shift mate a nod before returning to their coffee and donuts. Giving  the departing C shift a brief wave as they headed for the door.

Chet made his way to the coffee pot, brushing the two paramedics out of his way long enough to pour himself a cup of coffee.  He went and sat at the table with the others.

Marco glanced over to where John and Roy stood silently drinking their coffee. “So Johnny, what did you do on your day off?” He asked curiously.

Jon froze with the cup halfway to his lips. “I uh…Just hung around,” he said lamely.

“You took a personal day to just hang around the house?” Mike asked with a nose curl of disbelief.

Roy grinned as his partner turned to glare at his shift mates. “I just…I uh…needed a bit of time,” he stuttered lamely.

John wasn’t good at lying and he certainly wasn’t good at it on the spur of the moment story telling aspect. He’d been raised by his parents to be honest, though he’d had to lie as a child to hide injuries and their cause from his grandfather,  that had been a necessity and his grandfather had been more than willing to believe the rather unlikely stories he’d fabricated to explain the broken bones and bruises his uncle had left him with.

“Bit of time to harangue some poor nurse at Rampart,” Chet sneered, assuming if John wasn’t sick, it had to be a nurse that had kept the younger man hanging in the halls of a hospital. Roy shot the Irishman a warning glare, but Chet gave him an innocent shrug of his shoulders. “You told me to drop it, you didn’t say they couldn’t ask.”

“And you made sure they would,” Roy hissed.

John gave his partner an appreciative look before he turned back to the others, hoping they’d ignore the comment; no such luck.

“So what was her name amigo?” Marco asked with a waggle of her eyebrows.

Hammer gave the young paramedic a sour look that he’d actually skipped a shift to chase a girl, while Mike shook his head in disbelief. John was young and could be a little immature personally, but professionally he was known for being one of the best paramedics out there and wouldn’t be undisciplined enough to skip a shift just to chase a girl.

“It wasn’t a nurse,” John shot back, giving Chet a scornful glare.

“So what was it Gage?” Hammer asked, his curiosity peeked now that he knew John hadn’t shirked his duty for a woman, and now concerned that something was wrong with his youngest crew member or someone close to him.

John’s face paled a bit and Roy sighed behind him. “You might as well tell him Junior; they’re gonna find out about it soon enough anyway.”

“Some girlfriend from your past give you something to remember her by,” Chet questioned with a smirk, imagining Gage as an unwilling father.

“No…that’s not it,” John sneered back.

The others stared at him in anticipation of his answer and John blew out a resigned breath. Roy was right…They’d find out eventually; might as well be now and get it over with.

“It’s Tommy,” he murmured looking down at his feet.

“Are you kidding? Chet questioned, looking disappointed that it wasn’t a blast from John’s past coming back to haunt him.

“No…I’m not kidding.”

“I didn’t know you were still involved with that boy,” Mike said.

“So what happened to the kid this time?” Chet asked scornfully. “Scrape his knee?”

John’s head snapped up and his dark eyes blazed angrily. “No Chet…He didn’t scrape his knee…He’s dying,” John snapped.

Four mouths dropped open in stunned shock as Roy’s hand descended onto his shoulder comfortingly. The chocolate brown eyes pooled with tears, but Johnny blinked them away.

“John; I’m so sorry,” Captain Hammer said softly.

“What happened?” Mike asked, his eyes wide with horror at the admission. He knew how close Johnny had become to the boy and he had a young son of his own, he knew how he’d feel if he were given that kind of news.

Chet’s mouth snapped shut and he looked at Roy to see if John was just trying to get a rise out of them. Roy gave him an irritated scowl but nodded solemnly.

Hammer waved the pair over to the table. They slid into their seats while the others waited expectantly. “Tell us what happened John,” Dick suggested sympathetically.

John took in a deep breath to compose himself and began to explain. “Remember Tommy called me the other day and I went over to the house?”

“Yes…You told us Tommy’s foster parents were refusing to take him to the hospital and you were going to see that they did,” Hammer replied.

John nodded. “He passed out on the front lawn,” John admitted.

“You didn’t tell me that,” Roy said in shock.

John shook his head. “No…I…We got him to the hospital. They ran some tests…they um…they found out that he had a brain tumor.”

“Oh my God,” Mike whispered.

“Can’t they do anything about it?” Dick pressed, sure there must be something they could do.

“They decided to try and remove it. That’s where I was the other day. I stayed with him,” he admitted softly.

“Understandable. So what happened?” Captain Hammer asked.

John shook his head dismally. “They got in and realized that it was too invasive to remove. There’s nothing they can do but try some drug therapies.”

“So maybe that will…,” Mike began.

John once again gave a negative head shake. “It might slow it down but they can’t cure it,” he said sadly.

“Wow…This sucks,” Marco whispered; his heart going out to the young paramedic and the boy.

“I’m so sorry Johnny,” Mike said quietly.

“Thanks Mike.”

“Me too John,” Marco added. “I mean it.”

“John…If there’s anything we can do. Anything you need…You just let me know okay?” Hammer told him as he rose to his feet.

“Thanks Cap,” John murmured, giving his Captain a small, appreciative smile.

“Let’s get to work gentlemen,” Hammer said before he turned and headed for the bay. Mike and Marco gave John a pat on the shoulder as they passed. John and Roy rose to their feet, prepared to follow.

Chet glanced up at the tall paramedic. “Gage?”

John stopped and turned to look at his nemesis. “Yeah?”

“I’m so sorry man…Whatever you need okay? Name it…”

John looked shocked for a moment before he nodded and turned toward the apparatus bay. “Thanks Kelly,” he said simply before he disappeared through the door.

The crew got through roll call and began their chores but the station control unit began to tone soon thereafter.

“Squad 51…Vehicle accident with injuries…”

John and Roy ran for the squad and a moment later they left the bay with sirens blaring.

Continued in Part 5

Posted to Site 10/22/17

Links to Parts 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.