Heart of A Hero

Links To Parts 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Tommy woke early the next morning. He ate his breakfast slowly, keeping his eyes on the clock beside the TV and wondering what Johnny was doing at that moment. He’d be getting up and getting ready for work.

He pushed the tray away and tried to imagine himself there with his friend instead of here, being scared and lonely. He tried not to dwell on what was happening to him but he had so many questions and John seemed reluctant to answer them, even a little angry…Maybe he just didn’t know himself and didn’t want to disappoint him.

The door opened and Dr. Brackett came inside with another man Tommy didn’t recognize. He was at least six inches taller than the doctor with dark hair and glasses. He had a kind face that put Tommy instantly at ease. He carried a thick book in one hand and gave Tommy a gentle smile as the pair came toward him.

“Good morning Tommy,” Brackett greeted coming alongside the bed.

“Morning Dr. Brackett,” he returned, his eyes drifting to the unknown man at Brackett’s side.

Kel noted the curious look and nodded toward his companion. “This is Chuck Miller.”

“Are you another doctor?” Tommy asked with a sigh of resignation.

“No Tommy…I’m a Chaplin.”

The boys brows furrowed in confusion bringing a grin from both men.

Kel gave the boys dark head a gentle tousle. “Johnny told me you had some questions Tommy. Chuck came to help you with the answers.”

Tommy’s eyes widened. “Really….You know about that stuff?”

Chuck nodded. “I do,” he said lifting the book. The words HOLY BIBLE printed across the front. “I’m a Pastor Tommy. Do you know what that is?”

“You preach in church,” he answered hesitantly.

“Yes…that’s right. Kel if you’ll excuse us….Tommy and I have some talking to do,” he said pulling up a chair.

“Good...I’ll leave you two alone,” he said as he turned and headed for the door.

Chuck turned his attention to the child in the bed. He opened the book. “Okay Tommy…Let’s start at the beginning.

Johnny and Roy delivered their vehicle accident victims to Rampart about an hour later. Roy followed one of the gurney’s toward the exam room, leaving Johnny with the less injured of the two. He turned to his young partner and gave him an upward nod of the head.

Johnny gave him a slight grin of understanding before they both disappeared into their respective exam rooms. John only took a moment to get the victim onto the table. “You need me doc?” He questioned Dr. Early.

“No Johnny. We’ve got this,” the kind, gray haired physician replied.

“Great,” the younger man said, turning and disappearing quickly out the door…he headed for the elevators. A moment later he exited the lift in pediatrics. He pushed open the door to find a man sitting next to a smiling Tommy’s bed.

They both glanced over as John came inside. Tommy’s smile widened. “Hi Johnny,” he greeted happily.

John grinned back at the boy who had apparently had experienced a complete mood change since this morning. “Hey kiddo,” he greeted, his dark eyes shifted to the tall man that was pushing himself to his feet.

“Oh Johnny…This is Pastor Miller. He’s been hangin out with me,” he said excitedly.

“I see,” John said, giving the man a curious look as the older man held his hand out in greeting.

John shook it. “Good morning John. I’m Chuck Miller, the Chaplin here at Rampart. Tommy’s told me so much about you this morning…I feel like I know you,” he said pleasantly.

“Uh yeah…um…so what have you been talking about?” He asked hesitantly.

Tommy held up a book excitedly. “He came to talk about God and Jesus and he gave me this book,” Tommy gushed.

John recognized the book as being a bible. “I see….That’s great,” John said, grateful that the man had come and answered the questions he’d been unable to. Tommy seemed almost…happy, but there was a touch of sorrow too. He should have been able to help Tommy himself but he’d let his anger at the boys situation hold him back…He was still struggling with the why’s of the boys illness and the answers he hadn’t received to his own entreaties. “So um…what else did you talk about?”

“We talked about Jesus and Heaven and how beautiful it is and he said I could go there and we prayed together,” Tommy said enthusiastically.

John’s eyes pooled with moisture but he blinked it away and forced a grin. “Wow…You really had a great talk huh?” He replied giving the Chaplin a small nod.

“Yes we did John and Tommy’s much more at peace now that he understands,” Chuck reassured the young paramedic.

“Yeah…yeah,” John said sadly, glancing away. He looked up at the Chaplin. “Wish I was,” he added softly.

“I’d be happy to talk you John…anytime.”

John gave him a rueful crooked grin. “Thanks…maybe sometime,” he said looking at Tommy. “I uh…I’m on duty. I can’t stay…I uh…I just wanted to check in.”

“Thanks Johnny,” Tommy said cheerfully.

John nodded before shaking the man’s hand once more. “Thank you again. Tommy really needed…answers,” he finished poignantly.

“So do you…I meant what I said…Anytime John,” he told him with an understanding hand on John’s shoulder.

The younger man nodded and gave Tommy a final wave. “I’ll see you tomorrow if not sooner,” he promised.

“Cool,” Tommy said as John left the room.

John walked to the elevator deep in thought. He may take the good Chaplin up on it someday, but right now he was still…angry but at least grateful that Tommy seemed to now be at peace with the situation.

John slid into the cab of the squad where Roy was waiting for his young friend to join him. He glanced over as Johnny slammed the door. “How’s Tommy?” He asked.

John looked over at him, his dark brows knotted over his nose in confusion. “He had company,” he replied as Roy started the engine.

“Yeah…who?”

“The Chaplin was with him.”

Roy threw him a sideways look. “Why?”

“I told ya he was asking some tough questions. I guess the Chaplin came to answer em,” he replied with a shrug.

“That’s a good thing right?”

“Yeah…Guess I kinda let him down.”

Roy shot him a disbelieving look. John had been there for this boy for the last three months. He knew what John believed, he’d made it plain while talking with him and Chris before Christmas, and while he himself wasn’t very religious, he knew from his conversation with John that he was struggling with the whys’ and the unfairness of this whole situation. He wished he had the answers.

“You never let him down Johnny…He just needed someone that wasn’t as close to the situation to explain it,” he said soothingly.

John worried his lower lip with his teeth. “I guess,” he muttered. “He offered to talk to me too,” he admitted.

Roy reached over and patted John’s arm. “Might not be a bad idea,” he hinted, hoping maybe the Chaplin could give him some peace over this situation.

John shrugged again. “Maybe,” he said, not sounding all that hopeful.

Roy gave him a sad smile and drove on.

The crew watched them race from the bay before they returned to the dayroom. The group stopped, trying to digest the information they’d just been given.  They leaned heavily on the back of the chairs.

This just wasn’t right. That poor kid had been through so much. Losing his parents, being shoved into one foster home after another…Almost being killed at that construction site and now this. And Johnny…They all knew John had some issues with making friends and being close to anyone…Roy being the exception of course.

He’d taken such a shine to this child I need of a friend and they all felt a twinge of guilt at trying to dissuade him from getting involved even though their worst fears were about to come to fruition. John was going to get hurt and it was going to be a serious blow to the young man’s heart.

Captain Hammer sighed and shook his head.  “Okay guys, I think for the next few weeks, Johnny is going to need our support,” he said quietly.  The others nodded their agreement as he continued. “Try to give him some space and not press him into talking or asking for a lot of details,” he suggested.

“Sure Cap,” Mike replied.

“Got it,” Marco added with a nod.

Hammer pointed a long, callused finger at Chet. “And no phantom either,” he ordered sternly.

Chet lifted his hand as if taking an oath. “Promise Cap…The phantom is retired until further notice,” he vowed.

“He better be,” he warned.

The others gave the Irishman a cautionary stare before they all headed off to do their chores.

They hadn’t really needed to. Despite the appearance he gave, Chet really did like John and he’d never deliberately hurt the kid. He’d already made the decision to halt his practical jokes…Gage had too much on his mind right now…it wouldn’t be a fair fight contest anyway. 

He turned and followed the others out.

Tommy pushed his lunch tray away and settled back on the bed with his new bible that Pastor Miller had given him. He’d just begun to read when the door opened. He glanced up hoping it was Johnny, but two orderlies entered instead.

They were pushing a gurney with a small child on it. A nurse and a young couple followed the orderlies into the room.

She pretty blonde lady threw a quick glance toward Tommy, giving the boy, whose head was swathed in bandages a rapid once over.

Tommy gave her a small, shy grin in curious greeting. The woman’s concerned blue eyes crinkled as her mouth turned up briefly in a gentle smile before she returned her attention to the child on the stretcher.

Tommy looked over at the boy being transferred to the bed. His hair was blonde, his face pale and the lower half was covered with an oxygen mask.

The orderlies quickly left the room while the nurse hooked the boy’s oxygen line to the rooms supply. She checked the IV and pulled the blankets up and over the child. She gave the parents a curt nod and then turned and whisked the curtain between the two beds closed, blocking Tommy’s view.

He sighed with a shrug, disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to talk to the other kid. It would have been nice to have someone to chat with. He returned to his book but he could still hear the soft conversation taking place between the couple and the boy.

Tommy sighed again wistfully, wishing he could have had parents who’d be at his bedside the same way this boy did. He was glad he had Johnny but wished Johnny could be his dad. That he could love him the way these people obviously did their boy.

Unbidden tears pooled in his eyes and he reached up to swipe them away, grateful that he had John’s friendship at least.

He reached for his cup of water but it was just out of reach. He leaned forward and his hand bumped the cup. It tipped, tumbling of the table and splashing onto the floor.

“Oh man,” he muttered, using John’s favorite phrase.

He glanced around to find the nurse call button but the curtain suddenly twitched and the pretty blonde woman peered around it cautiously.

“Excuse me sweetie…can I help you?” She asked, leaning down to pick up the cup without waiting for an answer.

“Thank you…I’m sorry,” he mumbled, looking a little red faced at his clumsiness.

“Oh don’t be. It’s no problem,” she replied. She disappeared and then returned a moment later with the small hand towel from the bathroom to clean up the spill.

“Thanks,” Tommy mumbled again as he watched her dry the floor.

She smiled at the boy. “What’s your name sweetheart?” She asked the boy, figuring from the bandage that he’d be her son’s roommate for at least a few days. She should at least get to know him.

“Tommy; Tommy Masters,” he replied. “What’s yours?” He added curiously.

“I’m Carol Carson…This is my husband Mark and that’s our son Andy,” she added, pulling the curtain aside so the boy could see the others in the room.”

Tommy waved at the man standing next to the blonde child’s bed. He gave the boy a brief nod and a small smile in return.

“So what’s wrong with your son?” He asked brazenly with childish lack of tact.

Carol’s mouth tightened for a moment and she swallowed heavily as if fighting tears. “Well he’s sick. You see our son had a problem with his heart a couple of days ago,” she explained

Tommy’s eyes widened. “Wow …I thought that only happened to old people,” he said looking surprised.

She patted his hand. “Well that’s usually the case but, well sometimes it can happen with children too.”

“Can they fix it?” He questioned.

She swallowed hard once again. “No...No they can’t fix it but…They can give him a new one.”

“A new one?” Tommy asked in surprise.

She nodded. “Yes…Well they have to find a donor first but…We’re hopeful.”

Tommy frowned. “Donor?” He questioned.

“Yes…well…unfortunately sometimes people get sick or have an accident but their heart is still okay so if they die, they can give their heart or other organs to other people.”

“Oh…well that’s pretty cool,” Tommy said, his lips pursing thoughtfully.

“So where are your mom and dad?” She asked curiously.

“I don’t have parents. They’re dead,” he stated matter of fact.

“Oh! I’m so sorry?” She said looking at him with a mixture of shock and sadness.

Tommy shrugged. “They’ve been gone a long time. I don’t remember them,” he said casually. “But I got Johnny.”

“Johnny? Is that your brother?”

“Oh no…Johnny’s my friend. He’s a paramedic…He saved my life a few months ago and he’s been my friend since then. I wanted to be just like him.”

“Oh…how nice. I bet he’s very brave,” she teased.

“He is…He’s a hero,” he proudly announced.

“A couple of paramedics saved my son’s life too,” she said, nodding toward the other bed.

“Really?” Tommy asked, looking excited. “What were their names…Maybe I know em…Johnny introduced me to some of his friends.”

“Oh I don’t remember their names. They were both blonde and tall and they were fantastic. My Andy wouldn’t have made it without them,” she explained.

“Oh,” Tommy said, a bit disappointed that she didn’t remember their names.

“Is that how you got hurt?” She asked, reaching over to gently tousle the dark hair peeping out from beneath the stark white bandage. “When Johnny saved your life?”

 Tommy’s face grew sober as he shook his head. “No...that was before. Now I have a brain tumor,” he informed her just above a whisper.

Carol’s hand flew to her mouth in shock. “Oh my God….I’m so sorry. Can they…Did they take it out?” She asked worriedly, glancing at the bandages.

Tommy shook his head. “No ma’am,” he mumbled.

“Oh…Oh I’m so sorry,” she gasped again as she gathered the child into her arms. How could this happen to a child? She mused momentarily and then giving herself a mental shake before glancing at her own son. How could her little boy have a broken heart at seven? She questioned in her mind.

Tommy welcomed the comforting hug for a long moment before he pushed himself away. He wanted her to think she was tough and strong just like his hero and besides, after his talk with Pastor Miller, he wasn’t nearly as scared about this as he had been before.

He gave her a small smile and a shrug of his thin shoulders. “It’s okay…I’m kinda gettin used to the idea,” he said philosophically. “And Pastor Chuck says I’ll get to meet God and Jesus and go to Heaven,” he added with childlike certainty.

“Oh sweetie,” she murmured sounding dismayed that a child this age was dealing with life and death issues, same as her own son. It just wasn’t fair. “Well…I uh…I guess…I guess that’s a good thing,” she stammered trying to sound upbeat, but the idea of losing her own little boy didn’t leave her that ready to simply give up on her own child.  There was a long awkward pause as she tried and failed to think of something comforting to say. She cleared her throat; “Well…I guess I need to get back over there,” she said nodding toward her husband and son.

“Yes ma’am,” he replied.

“We’ll talk some more later,” she assured him.

“Cool,” Tommy said with a small grin. His head was starting to ache and he knew the nurse would be in soon to give him more medication. As soon as that happened he’d start feeling sick and he wouldn’t feel like visiting.

He laid back on his pillow and let his eyes drift closed, hoping to get some sleep before the medication made him feel to lousy to sleep.

John and Roy returned to the station. The pair climbed from the cab and headed for the day room for a cup of coffee before heading out to finish their assigned chores that had been interrupted by the call out.

The crew were all there, engaged in various activities. They all glanced up as the two entered the room and gave the team a nod of greeting as they passed them to the coffee pot.

John frowned at Chet’s smile of greeting, used to the Irishman’s more caustic responses to his presence. He reached up to pull the cabinet door open but suddenly stopped. His brow furrowed over his nose in suspicion.

Chet threw him a curious glance. “What’s up?” He questioned his young friend.

“I’m not in the mood for your jokes Chet?” He warned the curly haired fire fighter.

Chet’s hand splayed over his chest with a wide eyed innocent look. “Me?  What did I do?”

“What’s in the cabinet Kelly,” he growled.

“Nothing,” he vowed. “Look we all talked about it after you left. We’re all real sorry about the kid Gage and we figured you got too much on your mind right now and you don’t need the extra aggravation so the phantom’s retired…at least for a awhile,” he amended. “Wouldn’t be fair” he added with a small shrug of his shoulders.

John’s dark eyes shifted toward the others and they nodded their agreement. John threw them a dubious scowl but stepped out of harm’s way before cautiously opening the door. Nothing happened.

He peeked into the cabinet before he grinned and reached inside for two mugs. “Thanks guys,” he said softly.

The crew nodded before returning to their own activities.

Roy threw him a wink as he took the cups and poured them both some coffee. He rested his hand on his young friends shoulder. “We’re all gonna be here for you junior,” he promised his young friend.

John gave him a small smile and nodded as he sipped his coffee, so grateful that Roy had come into his life and asked him to be his partner. If not, he’d have missed being a part of this crew who had become his friends and a huge part of his life; even Chet Kelly, he mused with a wry grin.

The duo moved over to the table and joined their shift mates.

Johnny returned to Tommy’s bedside the next morning feeling better now that he knew he had the support of his friends and his Captain, and that he wouldn’t have to hide the boy’s condition any longer.

He pushed the door open but stopped as he spotted the other child in the bed next to Tommy’s and the young woman sitting at the boy’s side.

She glanced up as he stood indecisively in the doorway and gave him a small smile. John gave her a brief nod of greeting before he came in the rest of the way and moved to Tommy’s side.  

Tommy’s eyes were open but seemed a bit groggy to John’s trained mind. He must have already had his meds this morning, he mused as he came up beside him.  “Mornin Buddy,” he greeted his young friend.

“Mornin,” Tommy mumbled, his eyes squinting against the glare of the overhead lights.

“You okay?” John questioned worriedly. “You need your meds?”

“Already had em,” he murmured.

“How long ago?” John pressed, leaning over to check the youngster’s eyes a bit more closely.

 Tommy’s eyes strayed blearily to the clock on the wall. “Bout an hour ago,” he whispered.

John frowned. The boy’s medication should have kicked in by now if he’d been given it that long ago. John moved to the foot of the bed and plucked the boys chart from the hook. Tommy’s assessment was correct. The time read 8:00 A.M.

The dark haired paramedic returned to the head of the bed and reached up to dim the lights from the overhead before he pushed the nurse call button.

Tommy gave him a weary smile as his eyes closed.

“So how’d your day go yesterday?” John asked conversationally as he sat down in the chair next to the child.

“Okay,” he replied softly.  “Me and Pastor Miller had a good talk and then Carol came in with her little boy,” he added, nodding toward the other bed. “She talked to me for a while too,” he added without opening his eyes.

“About what?” He asked curiously.

“About her son, He’s real sick too. Sorta like me. His heart is bad and he needs a new one,” he informed John, matter of fact. “Except he won’t die if he can get one,” he added.

John’s face blanched a bit at the nonchalant response. The boy spoke of his own impending death as if it were secondary to the other child’s condition. “What did she say?” He questioned, afraid he was the only person Tommy couldn’t talk to about it, but that was his own fault. He’d been so angry about the situation…still was to some degree if he was honest with himself, but still…Tommy needed him to be as open and honest as the Pastor had been. Maybe he needed to talk to the man himself, he mused bitterly.

“She was real upset about me,” he admitted, “But she told me her son had a heart attack and that a couple of paramedics saved him,” Tommy told him, his eyes opening briefly with the excitement of imparting that piece of information.  He winced a bit as his head throbbed and settled back once again.

John felt someone step up behind him and turned to see that the lady in question had come over to join them. “Hi,” he greeted the woman.

“Hello,” she replied. “I’m Carol Carson,” she said holding out her hand to the handsome paramedic.

“Uh hi,” he greeted a bit shyly. “I’m John…Gage,” he added as an afterthought.

“Yes…I thought you might be.” John arched a dark brow at her curiously. She smiled back. “Tommy told me all about you yesterday,” she admitted. He thinks you’re quite a hero,” she informed him.

John’s face flushed in embarrassment. “Sorry, he gets a bit excited sometimes,” he mumbled.

“No need to be sorry,” she advised as she reached out to pat his hand. “He’s very proud of you. “

Tommy grinned at his older friends flushed features but nodded vigorously. “Yup…I wanted to be a hero like him,” he stated before wincing as the throb in his head increased at the rapid motion. He laid his head back and closed his eyes.

“Tommy,” John began, looking mortified before realizing the boy’s eyes were closed and his face tight with pain. “You okay pal?” He questioned as the door opened and an older nurse named Dottie stepped inside.

“Hi Johnny,” she greeted the young fire fighter.

“Hey Dottie; Tommy said you gave him his meds an hour ago but he’s still in pain,’ he informed her pointing out the pinched look on the boys face.

She frowned a bit and picked up the chart, scanning it over. She re-hung it and nodded.  “We gave him what Dr. Carstens ordered Johnny. I’m sorry but I can’t give him anything more.”

John sighed. He knew better than to argue. “Can you ask him to talk to me when he gets a chance? I wanna to find out why he’s still hurting,” he pressed.

She nodded, giving him a small sad smile. She already knew why but it wasn’t her place to say anything. She left the room while John returned his attention to the boy and Carol. The pretty blonde smiled at him fully understanding the boy’s infatuation with the paramedic. He had a great fondness for the boy that was obvious.

The door opened again and Roy stepped into the room with Joanne. She carried a large basket but John couldn’t see what was in it.

Carol’s eyed the pair and her face lit with recognition. “Hello” she greeted the blonde paramedic.

“Uh hi,” Roy replied hesitantly. The lady looked familiar but he couldn’t place from where.

She grinned and nodded to the boy in the bed. “You saved my sons’ life several days ago,” she reminded him.

“Oh yes ma’am,” he replied, suddenly remembering where he’d seen her before. “Um this is my wife Joanne,” he introduced the pretty auburn haired woman beside him.

Jo gave her a smile as Carol turned toward her. “I’m so grateful to your husband. My son would have died if he hadn’t been there,” she told her.

Jo’s blue eyes traveled over to the sleeping child in the other bed and her heart went out to her. He didn’t look much older than Chris and she knew how she’d feel if it were her own son. It was hard enough to think of losing Tommy and she’d only met him one time. Her heart hurt for both the boy and Johnny but just the idea that this child had such a bleak fate gave her great sorrow.

“I’m glad he was there to save him,” she said giving the other woman a gentle hug.

“Thank you. I uh…I guess I should let you visit,” she said, wiping at the sudden rush of tears the show of sympathy had generated.

Jo gave her a soft smile before she turned toward Tommy. “Hi sweetie,” she greeted the young boy in the bed.

Tommy gave her a small smile that looked more like a grimace.  “Hi Joanne,” he replied, before laying his head back on the pillows. “Hi Roy,” he added, letting his eyes drift closed.

.

Roy gave John a concerned frown but the younger man was watching Tommy worriedly too. Joanne set the basket on the bed. “We brought you some things to help pass the time,” she informed the boy brightly, trying to sound reassuring to everyone.

“Yeah…Like what?”  Tommy asked softly, opening his eyes, giving a valiant attempt to sound interested.

Jo began to pull some of the items from the basket. “I have some Hardy boy‘s mysteries,” she said setting the books next to the child. “Some comic books; Roy was sure you’d like those. A few puzzle books and some other things,” she added, stopping as Tommy began to pale.

“Wow; this stuff is way cool,” Johnny began but he suddenly heard the soft moan of distress. His dark eyes shifted to the boy in the bed and he realized he was about to be sick. He glanced around frantically for something to use but Joanne was already moving; she snagged the emesis basin from the table and shoved it under the boys chin as he began to heave.

“Get me a wet cloth okay Johnny?” She said over her shoulder to the young paramedic.

“Yeah…uh yeah,” he agreed anxiously as he spun about and headed for the bathroom. He returned a moment later with requested towel as Jo eased the boy back on the bed and snapped it from his hand and began to quickly and efficiently get the boy cleaned up.

“There we go sweetie,” she said soothingly as she set the basin and the towel aside.

“Thanks Joanne” Tommy murmured wanly.

“It’s okay,” replied.

“What brought that on I wonder?” Johnny asked worriedly.

“Been happening every time they give me my medicine,” he murmured.

Roy and John exchanged a concerned glance. This wasn’t good at all, John mused as the door opened behind them.

They all turned at the sound of footsteps coming up behind them.  “Hi Dr. Carstens,” Johnny greeted the older man.

“Morning Mr. Gage,” he replied. “I was told you wanted to see me,” he replied, getting straight to the point of his visit.

“Uh yeah…Tommy said he had his meds but he’s sick and throwing up and he’s still in pain,” he explained, looking unhappy about the situation and thinking they weren’t taking care of the problem well enough to suit him.

The doctor’s eyes flicked to Tommy before returning to meet John’s concerned frown. “Can I speak to you in the hall Mr. Gage?” He questioned, his tone telling the adults that whatever it was he had to say, it wasn’t gonna be good.

“Um…yeah,” he answered softly. “Hey kiddo, Roy and Jo are gonna hang out for a minute while I talk to the doc okay?” Johnny asked the wan child in the bed.

“Sure,” he mumbled through clenched teeth. John suspected he was still feeling nauseas.

The young paramedic followed the doctor out the door and into the corridor, pulling the door closed firmly behind him. “Okay Doc…what gives?” He asked without preamble.

“Mr. Gage…You do understand that the medication we are giving Tommy is quite potent?” He questioned. “It has to be to kill the cancer cells,” he added pointedly.

“I guess,” John demurred quietly, still sounding unhappy. “Is it helping?”  He asked plaintively, hoping there was at least an upside to the boy’s misery.

Carstens frowned before giving a small negative shake of his head. “Not yet,” he admitted, “but it’s early in the treatment,” he added, trying to sound optimistic and failing badly.

John felt his stomach tighten and his heart skipped a beat. “You don’t think it’s gonna help at all do you?” He questioned  apprehensively.

The doctor’s lips pursed in thought and he glanced at his feet for a long moment. “No Mr. Gage,” he admitted honestly. “The last scan showed it had actually grown rather than shrinking.”

John’s heart sank. “But it’s early you said,” he pressed hopefully.

The doctor’s eyes lifted to meet the worried brown. “Yes it’s early,” he answered flatly.

John saw the truth in the man’s eye. “How long… does he um… have?” He asked point blank but with a hitch in his voice.

The doctor saw the sorrow in the dark orbs and the hesitation in the younger man’s voice and considered trying to give him some hope, but sensed that he wouldn’t appreciate falsehoods and platitudes. “A month…maybe six weeks,” he replied honestly.

John felt tears burn behind his eyes but nodded in gratitude for the man’s honesty. “Thanks doc.”

“Are you going to tell him?” Carstens asked.

“If he asks…I won’t lie to him,” John said quietly.

The doctor nodded his agreement. “I have already spoken to Mrs. Gwinn and Mr.  Fry,” he informed the younger man. “She had planned to tell you herself but I’ll let her know that I‘ve spoken to you,” he added.

“Thanks,” Johnny murmured unhappily.

The doctor gave him a commiserating nod before he spun on his heel and walked away.

John sighed and brushed at the unbidden tears that filled his eyes. This just wasn’t fair, he mused for the hundredth time. He drew in a deep breath to compose himself before he pushed the door open and re-entered the boy’s room.

Roy and Joanne glanced up as came in. John tried to give them a reassuring smile but it fell flat; at least with Roy…he knew Johnny too well.

What’s wrong Johnny?” He asked quietly.

Joanne threw him a curious glance before her blue eyes narrowed suspiciously at her young friend. Realization dawned that her husband knew his partner so well, he’d seen past the mask John often wore to the pain he was trying hard to hide. 

“What is it John,” she pressed worriedly.

The fake smile fell away and the dark eyes flicked to the boy in the bed. “Is he asleep?”  He asked softly.

Jo nodded. “Yes: he went off to sleep just after you left the room,” she informed him.

John sighed. “Doctor Carstens said the medications aren’t really helping except to make him sick,” he said in disgust, giving them the edited version of his discussion with the physician.

“Oh no,” Joanne replied in dismay.

“Wow…I’m sorry junior,” Roy said softly.

“Yeah,” he mumbled disconsolately.

“Did he uh…did he say how long?” Roy asked.

John nodded sadly. “He um said…maybe a month or six weeks,” he admitted.

“Oh my God,” Jo whispered in shocked surprise, her blue eyes shifting back to the child in the bed. She thought she caught a subtle hitch to the boys breathing but a moment later it relaxed into a normal rhythm. She brushed her fingers through the dark hair on the boy’s forehead. Tommy twitched at the touch of her fingers but his eyes remained closed.

Roy glanced over at the boy and his wife. “Why don’t we go get some coffee while Tommy is sleeping?” You can tell us the whole thing…I mean there must be something they can do.”

John shook his head. “There isn’t…but I sure could use a cup of coffee,” he mumbled.

“Come on.”

The three adults left the room and headed for the cafeteria. Tommy’s brown eyes blinked open slowly. Tears pooled and trickled down the thin cheeks. He’d known that he was dying but he hadn’t thought that it would be quite this soon. He’d hoped the medication would help, but it hadn’t…not at all apparently.

He brushed at the tears. He had to be tough now…Johnny was taking it bad from the sound of it…he heard a sound and turned his head. Carol was singing to her son. Tommy hoped that she wouldn’t go through what John was right now. He hoped her son could be saved.

His dark eyes suddenly widened as a new thought flitted through his mind. He needed to talk to Dr. Brackett. He’d wait till John wasn’t around and then he’d ask.

He let his eyes drift closed. He brushed at the lingering tears but his resolve was firm.

The trio returned to Tommy’s room after they finished their coffee. Joanne stopped John from entering the room with a light touch on her young friends arm.

“We have to go John. We left the children with the neighbor and I have to get back,” she explained, wishing she could stay longer for moral support. John looked like he could use it.

Johnny nodded, still looking depressed after having to explain the whole conversation to his friends. How could he tell Tommy that there was no hope? How could he tell an eleven year old boy that everything he’d hoped and dreamed about would never come to pass? His one dream of becoming a hero, perhaps to a child like himself would be impossible.

He knew the doctors hadn’t held out much hope for the medication to work but John had still been holding out for a miracle, he mused bitterly.

 Roy’ blue eyes caught and held the dark orbs of his young partner. “Do you want me to stay?” He asked softly.

John gave him a sad smile and a negative shake of his head. “Nothin you can do either,” he murmured, wishing his older friend would stay so Tommy would be less apt to ask too many questions, but knowing he couldn’t hide behind his partner either. He’d made the decision to go against department policy and make friends with a victim and now he had to deal with the repercussions. He couldn’t believe that once again someone he cared for was being taken away.

Why? Why did this always happen? Was it him? Something he was being punished for? Had his family been right that he was bad luck?

He often wondered if he should transfer. Roy was the best friend he’d ever had and he worried that he’d lose him too? It had almost happened just a few months ago. The dark eyes lifted to meet his partner’s concerned gaze.

Roy frowned at the look and then as if catching his young partner’s direction of thought he shook his head. “Don’t even think about it Junior,” he warned, reaching out to grip John’s shoulders. 

Joanne cast a confused glance between the pair, knowing that once again, they communicating without speaking. They did it often and it always amazed her.

John’s eyes widened as well. Man: how did he always know what he was thinking? That’s how close they’d become and it worried John. “I don’t want to lose you too,” he whispered, letting Roy know he’d hit the nail on the head.

“You won’t Junior…I’ll be here for you. I promise.”

“You can’t make that promise,” he murmured, knowing how dangerous their job was.

.Joanne suddenly understood and reached out to take John’s hand. “But he stands a much better chance with you beside him,” she reminded him.

“Please don’t let this tear us apart Junior. What’s happening to Tommy is not your fault,” he said reassuringly.

“But maybe you needed to be in his life to get him through it,” Jo suggested softly, squeezing his arm.

John’s dark eyes swam with tears before he brushed them away. “Yeah; yeah maybe,” he mumbled in defeat. They weren’t going to let him just run out of their lives and he was grateful…scared of the possibilities of losing his best friend but grateful none the less that they weren’t willing to let him go without a fight.

“Thanks guys,” he whispered, giving them a small smile.

“We’re both here sweetie,” she soothed. “Anything you need,” she added, reaching up to kiss his cheek.

Roy patted his friends shoulder. “Call me if you need me.”

John nodded as the pair turned and headed for the elevators, casting a final worried glance over their shoulders before Johnny drew in a deep breath and pushed the door open to Tommy’s room.

Tommy’s eyes fluttered open a long time later. They drifted to where Johnny was sitting asleep in the chair. The boy assumed he must have had a long night of calls to answer and hadn’t gotten much sleep.

He shifted under the covers and winced as his head began a painful throb. He moaned softly and raised his hand to touch the back of his head gingerly.

John started awake at the sound of the boys groan. “Hey kiddo,” he said tiredly, rubbing his eyes.

“Hey,” the child replied.

“Are you in pain?” John asked, seeing the small hand pressed against the base of his skull.

“Yeah,” Tommy answered faintly.

“I’ll call the nurse,” he told him, pressing the button.

Tommy nodded tentatively, trying to move his pounding head as little as possible.

The nurse poked her head into the room. “Hi Johnny; what do you need?” She asked, throwing a glance toward the blonde woman sitting in the chair next to her son. She smiled at her before returning her attention to John.

“Tommy is hurting. He needs his meds,” he replied, hoping it wouldn’t be too soon and she’d refuse.

“Sure Johnny. Dr. Carson said he can have pain meds whenever he needs them,” she informed him.

The response tore at John’s heart. He knew it meant that they’d given up on the idea of saving him and were simply keeping him comfortable. He wished they’d give it a little more time before they gave up on him but at the same time, he was aware that without parents to fight for him, they wouldn’t prolong the treatment when there was no hope for recovery.

Tommy’s tired, pain filled eyes turned toward Johnny, noticing that the older man’s dark eyes were drooping. “Guess you had a bad night huh?” He asked softly.

John shrugged off the child’s concern. “Four runs,” he admitted without going into detail.

“You should go home and get some sleep,” the boy suggested.

“I don’t want to leave ya all alone,” Johnny replied, giving the boy a light, playful punch on his arm.

Tommy gave him a wan smile. “The nurse is gonna give me my meds…I’m just gonna fall asleep anyway,” he murmured.

“Well yeah but,” Johnny began.

The curtain was gently pulled back as Carol peeked around. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but I couldn’t help but hear you. “

“Oh that’s okay,” Johnny said politely.

“Well…I just wanted you to know it’s alright if you need to go home and get some sleep. I’ll be here anyway and I don’t mind keeping him company.”

Johnny was exhausted both physically and emotionally, but he hated abandoning the boy, especially now that he knew how limited his time was. “Thanks but um…I think I need to stay and…”

Tommy’s small hand touched his arm. “Johnny…I know.”

Johnny frowned. “Know what?” He asked warily.

“I heard you tell Roy…I know what the doctor said and it’s okay,” he reassured his friend.

John’s face blanched a bit. “I’m sorry…I should have been more careful about what I said…”

Tommy shook his head. “Glad I heard ya…I know you wouldn’t want to lie to me.”

“No…No I wouldn’t“

The door opened and the young nurse Elaine came in. She smiled at the small group. “Here ya go Tommy…We’ll fix you right up,” she said walking to the bed.

The boy smiled listlessly. “Great,” he said, tossing another glance at Johnny. “Go home,” he told the young paramedic. “You can’t save anyone if you’re too tired,” he reminded him, sounding sad that he’d never be able to do that himself.

“Are you sure?”

“Go,” he said tiredly as the nurse injected the medication into his IV line.

John smoothed the dark hair back from the young face as his eyes drifted closed. “Okay…I’ll see ya tomorrow,” he promised.

Tommy gave him a brief nod.

“I’ll watch out for him,” Carol promised the paramedic.

John gave her a small head bob. “Thanks,” he replied gratefully.

She glanced at the boy to be sure he was asleep. “What did the doctor say?” She questioned worriedly.

John felt the humiliating burn of tears behind his eyes but he blinked them away. “He said he only has a few weeks,” he murmured quietly.

Carol sucked in her breath. Her hand flew to cover her mouth in shocked horror and tears rolled down her face. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

“Yeah…He’s being so brave about it,” Johnny mumbled with a shake of his dark head. “Wish I was,” he added giving her a wistful half smile.

She shook her head understandingly. “Believe me…I know,” she added with a nod toward her own son.

John nodded. He’d forgotten that her son could die as well without a donor for his heart. He hoped they’d find one in time.

“Thanks again,” he said pushing himself tiredly to his feet. He gave Tommy a final pat on his arm before he turned and walked wearily to the door and headed for home.

 Tommy woke a short time later. His head was once again throbbing with a painful rhythm. He squinted into the lights above him before he realized he wasn’t alone.

His nurse Elaine was writing on his chart and he realized that she’d probably been checking his vitals and that was what had awakened him.

He glanced at the other bed and saw that Carol was sitting faithfully in her chair near her son but had fallen asleep with her arms and  head on the mattress.

Elaine glanced up and noticed that the boy’s eyes were open. “Hi Tommy,” she greeted cheerfully.

“Hey,” he murmured.

“How are you feeling?” She questioned, noticing the squinted eyes and the pinched, painful look on the boys face.

“Head hurs,” he slurred sleepily.

Elaine frowned at the indistinct speech and hoped it was just because he was tired. She decided to be sure. “I’m going to call Dr. Brackett to come take a look at you okay?” She questioned, reaching out to sweep the dark hair from the boy’s brow.

“Kay,” he murmured in response. He wanted to talk to the doctor anyway. His eyes drifted over to the bed next to him once again. He had an idea and he wanted to talk to the doctor before he got any worse. “I wan…wan...na talk to him too,” he said, his words once again blurred and indistinct.

Elaine nodded and left the room and a few moments later Dr. Brackett pushed the door open and came to the child’s bed side.

“Afternoon Tommy; the nurse said you wanted to talk to me?” He questioned, with a rise of his dark eyebrow. He didn’t mention that she’d been nervous about his speech.

“Canwee go to youur office?” He said, his words running together. He frowned at the sound of his own words. What was wrong with him?

Brackett eyebrows knotted over his nose at the distorted speech. This was not good. He’d need to set up some tests to see what was going on with the boy.

“Sure we can,” he replied, heading for the door. He poked his head out and spotted another nurse. “Margaret, can you please get me a wheel chair?” He requested.

The older woman nodded and went in search of one. Brackett waited until she returned, pushing the chair ahead of her. He stepped aside and let her enter. He returned to the bed and helped Tommy to his feet.

The boy staggered slightly as his feet hit the floor and Brackett quickly grabbed him to keep him from falling. He swept the boy up in his arms and set him in the chair. He glanced at the nurse with a worried frown.

“Set up an X Ray and EEG for Tommy,” he ordered quietly as he pushed the chair past her.

The nurse nodded as they left the room and headed toward the elevators.

Dr. Brackett pushed his office door open and rolled the wheelchair to his desk. He went around and settled into his own seat.

“So Tommy; what is it you wanted to talk about?” He asked seriously. Sensing whatever was on the boys mind, it was important.

Tommy’s eyes lifted to meet Brackett’s. “I heard John…ny talkinto Roy an Joanne earlier,” he admitted, his words slow and running together.

“About what?” Kel asked warily, frowning in concern at the muddled speech.

“Bout me...I heard him tell em I only ha a few wees left,” Tommy replied. He frowned at his own inability to articulate his thoughts and his chin quivered with the words but he kept his eyes locked with the doctors.

“I see,” Kel sighed. “I’m sorry Tommy. He should have been more careful…,” he began, but the boy shook his head negatively.

“No…’m glad he did cuz I’d bemad if Johnny lie tome,” he assured the doctor unsteadily.

Brackett sighed; John had told him the same thing. He boy was more mature for his age than most but then, like Johnny, he’d been through a lot in his young life that had forced him to grow up fast.

“Okay; so what do you want to know?” He asked thinking the boy wanted to find out if he’d be in pain, or Heaven forbid, he’d want to ask him the tough questions he’d asked of Chuck Miller. He just hoped he could answer them if he did.

“How do I give my heart to Andy?” He asked point blank.

Kel’s blue eyes widened in shocked surprise. “Andy?” He questioned in confusion.

“The boy immy room,” he explained haltingly.

“Oh. Well Tommy it’s not quite that easy,” he explained, shifting uncomfortably at having this kind of conversation with a child, though he was impressed by the boy’s willingness and courage to discuss so delicate a subject.

“Why?” He pressed.

“Well, because we’d have to be sure you’re a proper match for Andy.”

“How?”

“Well…We’d have to check your blood type and do a cross match to be sure your organs and his will be compatible.”

“Does it hur?” Tommy questioned worriedly.

Kel shook his head. “No.”

“Kay…Can you do tha?” He asked, reaching his hand up to press against his temple, wondering again at his slurred speech.

“I’ll have to ask Mrs. Gwinn and Mr. Frey Tommy. They’re your guardians,” he explained.

“Kay,” he agreed, figuring the two strangers wouldn’t care one way or the other. He wondered fuzzily about Johnny. Would the young paramedic be upset or proud? He wasn’t sure but he knew he wanted to do this. It would be his only chance to help others even in death.

Kel stood up as he noted the pinched frown and the small hand rubbing at the back of his head.

“I think this is enough for today Tommy. We need to get you some medication and I want to get another X-Ray.”

“Yeah…Hea hurs,” he mumbled as his head suddenly seemed to swim with wavering lines. Blackness crowded in.

Brackett gasped in shock as the child suddenly slumped over in his chair. His frozen surprise only lasted a moment before he shot from his seat and scooped the child up in his arms; he ran for the door and bolted down the hall.

“Carol,” he bellowed at the pretty black nurse. “Get X ray down here; I’ll be in three,” in yelled disappearing into the empty room.

Carol turned and grabbed the phone.

Kel slumped in his office chair an hour later. Tommy’s X-rays still glowed from the light panel across the room. Kel could clearly see where a blood vessel had burst from the pressure of the tumor. He knew it was only a matter of time until others began to do the same as it grew and cut off the circulation.

He rubbed a hand tiredly over his face. He needed to call Mrs. Gwinn and Mr. Fry. He had two reasons. One; they had to be told of this development and two; Tommy had made a selfless request and he needed their permission to continue to look into it.

He scrubbed a hand through his dark hair as he thought of the other person who had to be told. Johnny would be devastated by this. It meant that Tommy’s time was shorter than they’d first thought. He’d seen the reaction he’d had when he’d first told him and he’d been very concerned. He’d never seen John do that before and he didn’t know what had caused it but he didn’t want a repeat.

He sighed heavily. He couldn’t put it off. The boys guardians had to be told but Johnny…Johnny could wait until tomorrow. He’d been exhausted this morning and he needed to rest to function his best as a Paramedic.

Kel leaned forward and picked up the phone.

Mrs. Gwinn and Mr. Fry were escorted into his office an hour later and settled into the comfortable chairs across from Brackett.

“So what can you tell us Doctor,” Mrs. Gwinn asked without mincing words.

Kel sighed. “Tommy had an episode this morning,” he began gently.

“What kind of episode?” The older lady asked with a frown.

“He was in a great deal of pain and he was suffering from aphasia,” he explained.

“What is aphasia?” Mr. Frey questioned, looking confused.

“An inability to speak clearly,” he said simply.

“Oh; and what exactly caused that? Mrs. Gwinn asked, seeming unconcerned by the situation.

Kel grimaced, wishing these people would at least pretend to care about the child. “The tumor is growing and it’s unfortunately cutting off the blood circulation in portions of Tommy’s brain. It caused one to burst this morning. He passed out in my office,” Kel said matter of fact.

“Oh dear,” she said with a sigh. “And what can be done about that?” She asked, hoping it wouldn’t be something they’d have to take before a Judge again.

Kel shook his head sadly. “There really is nothing much that can be done. We’ll Keep him on the medication and hope it begins to work, but so far it’s not showing any sign of helping. The tumor is aggressive and it’s growing faster than we expected,” he said matter of fact.

“I see,” she replied casting a glance toward Mr. Frey. At least there were really no decisions to be made then. It was simply a waiting game now. She began to climb to her feet, thinking the conversation was at an end, but Kel stopped her.

“Hold on ma’am. I need to talk to you both,” he said raising a hand in a ‘stop there’ gesture.

She froze momentarily before resettling in her seat. “What is it?” She questioned curiously.

“Tommy made a request today and I told him I needed to talk to you both before we could proceed with it,” he explained.

“What was the request?” Mr. Frey asked, thinking it would be simple and easy. He and his associate were shocked as Brackett continued.

“A young boy named Andy was admitted to the hospital a few days ago. He was placed in Tommy’s room when he was released from the ICU.”

“My goodness what’s wrong with him?” Mrs. Gwinn asked with a frown.

Brackett ran his hand through his dark hair. “He has a heart defect ma’am,” he replied. “He needs a heart transplant,” he told her with a frown.

“I see,” she murmured, not understanding where this was going, and not even positive what that meant exactly, she’d never heard of such a thing. “What has Tommy got to do with it?” She asked.

“Tommy made a very selfless request Mrs. Gwinn; Mr. Fry,” he said casting a serious glance between the both of them.

“And that request was what?” The older woman pressed.

Kel pursed his lips; his dark eyebrows knotted over his nose for a long moment. “He understands that he’s dying Mrs. Gwinn. He knows he doesn’t have a lot of time.” She nodded for him to continue. “He wants to donate his heart to Andy,” he finally informed them point blank.

Mr. Frey’s eyes widened in shock while Mrs. Gwinn gasped in horror, her hand flying to her mouth while shaking her head… How could he suggest such a barbaric thing as cutting this poor child’s heart out and giving it to someone else?

Mr. Frey was a bit calmer. He had heard of the procedure but Dr. Brackett spoke first cutting off his reply.

“It’s a fairly recent type surgery; It’s only been done here since the late sixties, but it has been done quite successfully many, many times since then,” he explained.

She shook her head adamantly.  “That’s horrible…horrible. You can’t do that,” she said, suddenly imaging the surgeon as Dr. Frankenstein.

“I’ve heard of the surgery,” Mr. Frey interjected, patting the woman’s arm comfortingly. “But Tommy is a ward of the state and I don’t believe they’ll allow him to do that,” he added. Mrs. Gwinn sighed in relief at his words.

“I see” Kel said gloomily. Tommy would be very disappointed and it had been a wonderful, unselfish gesture from the child.

“I will ask our superiors of course,” he assured the doctor, earning him a glare from Mrs. Gwinn.

“Mrs. Gwinn,” Kel began softly. “Tommy wants to save another child’s life. It’s an incredibly brave request from an eleven year old,” he told her gently.

“Maybe to you,” she huffed in annoyance. “To me it’s positively uncivilized,” she added primly.

Kel sighed and looked to the older man. “You will check with your superiors won’t you?” He pressed. “Tommy will be very disappointed if he can’t do this,” he added. “He wants his death to mean something.”

Mrs. Gwinn rose from her seat. “It’s bad enough that an eleven year old has to die. Cutting him up is unthinkable,” she shot back as she spun on her heel and left the room.

Mr. Frey stood a bit more slowly. “Can’t say I like the idea much better than she does but I will ask,” he promised, reasonably sure what the answer would be.

Kel slumped in his chair as the door closed behind them. He hoped the answer would be positive for Tommy’s sake and that Johnny would understand the child’s request.

Johnny had spent the next morning with Roy and Joanne. He’d had an early breakfast and helped Roy out with his ‘honey do’ list before he gave them both a parting wave and headed for the hospital.

He figured he’d drop by the base station before he headed upstairs to see Tommy. He’d barley made it through the ER doors before he saw Dixie’s keen blue eyed gaze lock on him. He frowned suspiciously at the worried frown that creased the pretty, blonde nurse’s forehead.

She waved him toward her and grabbed the phone simultaneously. John walked slowly toward her and arrived at the desk just as she set the handset in its cradle.

 “Hey Dix,” he greeted warily, eyeing the phone and wondering why she was giving him such an almost evasive look.  “What’s goin on?” He pressed worriedly.

Dixie reached out and took his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as she blinked back tears at the pain she was about to inflict on her young friend.

Dixie had long suspected that the young man she’d grown so fond of had endured a lot of pain in his young life, though it had never been confirmed. She loathed what she and Kel were about to tell him.

Kel thought it might be easier for him to have Dixie present as he knew the pretty nurse was unusually fond of the dark haired paramedic and that Johnny thought of Dixie like a big sister and might allow the woman to offer the comfort he’d never a let the doctor give.

“Johnny; Kel and I need to talk to you.”

“About what?” He asked guardedly.

She sighed. “Tommy.”

John’s brown eyes widened fearfully. “What happened? Is he okay? I need to go up there…,” he began as he started to turn away.

“Johnny wait,” she stressed, refusing to release his hand.

John stopped but he didn’t turn back. He stared at the floor and his hand tightened involuntarily around the blonde nurses.  “Dix…He didn’t… die?” He whispered apprehensively

He blew out a relieved breath at her reply, but it was short lived. “No sweetie, but we need to talk to you. Can you come with me to Kel’s office,” she requested, giving him a gentle tug toward the office where Kel was waiting for them.

John swallowed heavily but nodded and followed her down the hall to the doctor’s office, his mind playing over a half dozen scenarios of what they wanted to talk to him about. None of them were even close to what they wanted to discuss.

Dixie pushed the door open and peeked in. Kel glanced up and sighed. He wasn’t looking forward to this. He’d grown quite fond of the young paramedic as well, though he’d never admit it. He also knew what Dixie only suspected; that Johnny had been abused in his past and he was very concerned about John’s reaction when he’d first told him that Tommy was ill. He wanted to watch him closely and in private in case it happened again.

“Johnny here?” He asked un-necessarily. He could tell from the look on Dixie’s face that the young paramedic was most likely right outside the door. She nodded resignedly. “Bring him in,” he said softly.

Dixie pushed the door wider and swept her hand toward the interior. John gave her a worried glance and stepped inside. “Morning Doc,” John greeted with a frown.

“Good morning John. Have a seat,” he invited.

John nodded and slid into the large, brown leather chair in front of his desk.  Dixie closed the door and sat in the one next to him.

John shot her a sideways glance and shifted nervously before folding his hands in his lap. “So what’s goin on?” He asked bluntly.

Kel locked his eyes with John’s dark brown orbs and pursed his lips for a long moment before he began to speak. “Johnny…There’s been a new development with Tommy and I wanted to speak to you about it before you go upstairs to see him,” Kel began.

John licked his suddenly dry lips. “What kind of development?” He questioned warily.

Brackett sighed. “Tommy experienced a small brain bleed yesterday.”

John’s face paled. “How bad?” He asked in a bare whisper.

“He passed out in my office while we were talking. We did an X-Ray and determined it was a sentinel bleed.”

“Is he okay?”

“He was pretty out of it last night but the last scan showed it had stopped bleeding for the moment.”

“For the moment?” He pressed.

Brackett nodded. “The tumor is growing and it’s starting to cut off the blood supply. The pressure built until it ruptured.”

“Damn,” John breathed out with a hitched breath. “Is he conscious? Is he in pain?” He asked.

“He’s been drifting in and out and he’s being given heavy pain medication. He was suffering from aphasia yesterday just before he collapsed. He’s doing a bit better this morning though he’s pretty confused about what happened yesterday. He doesn’t remember much but that’s to be expected with an aneurism.”

Johnny nodded sadly. “What can you do about it?” He asked worriedly but he already knew the answer.

Kel rested his clasped hands on the desk. “There isn’t much we can do Johnny. Were giving him blood thinners but eventually it will happen again and he’ll lapse into a coma. The brain function will decrease and eventually cease,” Kel said a gently as possible.

John blew out another soft, stuttered breath and began a slow rock in his chair. Kel sat up straight in his seat as Dixie frowned worriedly and reached out to take John’s hand.

The young paramedic seemed to snap out of it even as he shook Dixie’s hand from his. “No don’t,” he whispered brokenly.

“Johnny…Sweetie; look at me,” Dixie said urgently, concern at his reaction showing in her soft blue eyes.

The rocking motion ceased as John focused his attention on her; he seemed to regain control and heaved a deep breath. “I’m okay…I’m fine,” he murmured, trying to give her a reassuring look and nod of his dark head.

She slowly reached out and gripped his hand once more. John tensed but managed to refrain from pulling his hand free or batting hers away. She squeezed it gently. He felt the humiliating burn of tears building behind his eyes and he just wanted to go somewhere away from everyone to think and regroup…To lick his wounds in private until he could deal with this new pain in his heart and yet another pending  loss of someone he cared for.

John started to stand but Kel held up a hand to stop him. “Wait…there’s something more,” he said, not wanting to let the distraught young paramedic out of his sight. He’d caught the reaction; the same thing he’d done before only a much shorter duration this time. He seen that blank wall come down however briefly and wondered what had just happened. He’d never seen this before and it worried him.

John slowly sank back into his seat. “What is it,” he rasped, trying to keep control.

“Before he passed out, Tommy asked to speak to me about a rather delicate subject.”

Johnny’s curiosity was peaked. “What was that?” He asked warily.

Kel shifted in his seat, worried about how John would react to the request the boy had made. He worried his lower lip with his teeth for a moment. “He wants to donate his heart to the young boy in his room.”

John’s eyes widened in shock as he processed this last statement. He couldn’t believe an eleven year old would even think of such a thing but then this was Tommy…The child he’d come to know so well that wanted nothing more than to be a hero; to save lives. Tears began to pool in John’s eyes at the child’s courageous spirit, but he quickly reached up to wipe them away before they could fall, tensing as Dixie tried to pull him into an embrace.

“I’m okay,” he murmured, embarrassed that he’d cracked and allowed that tough fireman façade to slip in front of the older nurse and the crusty doctor.

Dixie understood better than he thought she would. She knew these guys had a rough and tough persona to keep up. She sat back and squeezed his hand instead.

John shot her a grateful glance, knowing he’d have fallen apart and thoroughly humiliated himself if he’d let her embrace him right now.  He’d been raised to believe that crying was a weakness and he had to be strong no matter what but this was just so hard to contemplate. He thought it was an incredibly brave sacrifice but at the same time, understanding that in order to achieve the requested goal, Tommy would have to die and he wasn’t ready to handle that yet, though he knew it wasn’t really in control of that either.

“Ahem,” he cleared his throat before he continued. “I see…and uh…what did you tell him?” He asked with a hitch to his voice.

“I explained that it wasn’t just as simple as that. That he’d actually have to be a match, but that isn’t the main problem right now,” he added with an annoyed twist of his lips.

John frowned. “What is then?”

“His guardians; I told them what Tommy wanted and Mrs. Gwinn was dead set against the idea, he admitted. “Mr. Fry was shocked by it and thought the courts would refuse to allow it,” he explained.

John sat silently for a long moment. He was just as floored by the request, but he also understood the boy and his desire to help others. If this was the only way for the child to achieve his dream then dammit…John would do everything in his power to help him do so, even if he had to go to the court and fight for the young boys right to give one final selfless act for someone else.

John looked up at Brackett and gave Dixie’s hand a small, reassuring pat that he was okay now before he stood up. “If that’s what Tommy wants to do then I’ll find a way to help him,” he vowed.

“Mr. Fry was going to ask his superiors,” he explained.

John nodded. “Let me know what they say doc,” he said quietly.

“I will.” John turned and headed for the door. “Johnny?” The young man turned back questioningly. “He’s a special boy,” Kel added admiringly.

“Yeah…Yeah he is,” Johnny agreed with a small half smile.

“Takes after his hero,” Dixie asserted, giving John a wink.

“Thanks,” he replied, turning and leaving the room.

Dixie glanced at Kel. “Well, he handled it better than I thought,” she said, looking at the dark haired doctor.

“Yeah…Just took him a few minutes to come to grips with it.” He glanced up at Dixie. “Have you ever seen him react like that before?”

“You mean that rocking?”

“Yeah.”

“No,” she replied thoughtfully. She’d never seen John lose control like that before. He hid his feelings behind a wall of indifference most of the time, and though she saw the emotions reflected in his eyes occasionally, he seldom let them out for the rest of the world to see. She suspected Roy was the only person who may have actually seen the real John Gage, but he’d never betray John by telling them his secrets, not to mention the fact that he played his own cards close to his chest.

Dixie frowned. She remembered having read something about that particular behavior and she’d dealt with similar symptoms while serving in Korea. John sometimes showed the signs of PTSD and she’d often wondered about his past. She glanced at Kel, wondering if he knew more than he was willing or able to tell her. Patient/Physician privilege taking precedence over doctor/ nurse relationship, she mused sourly wishing she could get the answers.

She’d have to try and remember what and where she’d read about this. “Have you seen him do that before?” She questioned.

Kel hesitated uncertainly before he nodded. “Yes, once before…when I first told him Tommy had a brain tumor,” he admitted.

“Any idea what caused it?” She pressed, hoping Kel knew what the cause was, but he shook his head.

“No…I wish I did. We just need to keep an eye on him until this is over,” he replied. “Maybe I can ask Roy.”

Dixie grinned and shook her head. “Don’t bother Kel…Even if he knew, he’d never tell,” she told him

Brackett gave her a sardonic half smile of agreement but the issue still bore watching. He’d have to do a bit more research, he mused.

“Let’s get back to work nurse,” he teased, rising from his chair and heading for the door. He held the door for Dixie to precede him from the room.

Johnny pushed the door to Tommy’s room open. The boy was asleep and an oxygen mask covered the lower half of the boys face.

Carol glanced up from Andy’s bedside as John moved to the boy’s side. Left her son coloring on his bed and moved to stand next to the young fire fighter.

She gently rested her hand on John’s arm. John tensed but managed to avoid pulling away from the woman. He glanced toward her and saw the compassion reflected in her eyes and his throat tightened. He swallowed heavily, refusing to crack and let his emotions show.

“I heard he had a setback yesterday,” she admitted softly, her own blue eyes swimming with tears.  “I’m so sorry,” she added.

“Thanks,” John rasped, still fighting back his own grief.

“Did they tell you what happened?” She asked worriedly. They refused to tell her anything more than he’d had a new development.

John nodded. “The tumor has grown and it’s squeezing one of the blood vessels that supplies the brain. He had what they call a sentinel bleed,” he explained.

“Oh my God,” she whispered sorrowfully. “What can they do about it?”

John shook his head. “They’re giving him blood thinners but there really isn’t much more  they can do,” he explained sadly.

She brushed at the tears that trickled down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry…If there’s anything I can do?” She offered.

John shook his head. “Thanks but I’ll be fine and Tommy’s a tough kid. He already knows what he wants,” he said reassuringly, not giving away the child’s request and getting the woman’s hopes up in case the courts ruled against them and it didn’t happen.

She nodded her head and gave his arm another pat before she turned and went back to her own son.

John sat in the chair next to Tommy’s bed and watched the boy for a long moment. The child shifted restlessly beneath the covers and Johnny suddenly remembered Roy’s hand gently brushing the hair from his forehead when he’d been injured not too long ago and how soothing that feeling had been. His face flushed with color at the memory but he thought maybe Tommy would feel that same sense of comfort.

He reached up to gently rest his hand on the boys’ head, his long fingers gently sweeping the dark brown hair from the child’s furrowed brow.

The restless churning ceased and his brow smoothed out as John continued the gentle stroke across his forehead. A moment later the boy’s eyes began to flutter open. After a long moment they lifted blearily to meet John’s. A small half smile twitched at the corners of his lips and disappeared almost before John noted it.

“Hey kiddo,” John greeted the boy quietly.

“Hi,” he whispered back.

“How are ya feelin?” John asked, still stroking the boy’s forehead.

“Nah so good,” he murmured, his speech still having a slight slurring.

“I bet,” John teased.

Tommy’s eyes turned to the paramedic. He wasn’t sure exactly what had happened in Dr. Brackett’s office or how long it had been since it had occurred, but he knew Johnny would tell him and not pull any punches.

“What ha…happen?” He questioned.

John sighed. Tommy obviously remembered that something bad had happened. John hated scaring him but the boy already knew the worst and Johnny wouldn’t lie to him now.

“You had a small bleed on the brain,” he explained gently.

The boys eyes widened fearfully, afraid he was about to die any moment without knowing whether they’d let him donate his heart.

“Whaddar they gonnado?” He asked fuzzily.

“They’re giving you blood thinners and um…well; that’s really all they can do right now,” he admitted miserably.

Tommy grew silent for a long moment before giving him a nod that told John that the boy understood that his time was short. “Did Dr Brackett…tell ya…,” he began tremulously, his eyes shooting toward Carol and Andy across the room.

John caught the glance and correctly interpreted the look. “Yes…That’s a tremendously um… brave thing to uh…to want to do,” he interrupted, trying hard to keep his own voice from trembling.

Tommy tried a smile but his mouth quivered with fear.

John saw it and hesitated. He was out of his league, not knowing how to soothe the child. The memory of Roy sitting at his beside once again flitted through his mind. He remembered his own nightmares and his fear and how Roy had held him in his arms. He remembered the comfort he’d felt in that moment.

He reached out and drew Tommy gently into his arms and felt the boy begin to shake as the façade of bravery crumbled and the eleven year old boy reemerged to weep against John’s chest.

The young paramedic held him and rocked him gently, feeling his own sense of comfort in the motion.

Across the room, Carol swiped at the tears that trickled down her face while she studiously kept her attention on her own son to give the pair some privacy and a chance to grieve this turn of events together.

Tommy finally began calm and his breaths evened out as John stroked the dark hair gently. Neither spoke but they didn’t need to. They both know nothing they could say would ease the pain or the fear or the sense of foreboding they were both feeling. They both knew their time together was running out and they needed to hurry if Tommy’s wish was to come to pass.

“Did they…say itted be o…kay,” he asked, barely audible.

“Well…Not exactly…They uh, they said they’d have to check with the court,” he hedged, glancing away from the boy.

Tommy might have been unwell but he saw the evasive look. “And?” He pressed.

Johnny sighed. The boy was simply too attuned to his mannerisms. “Well…they don’t think the court will let you do that and Mrs. Gwinn didn’t like the idea so she may not fight too hard for it,” he admitted.

Tommy’s eyes welled with tears. They’d deny him the only chance he’d ever have to be like Johnny…It wasn’t right. “Why? That’s na fair,” he slurred, wiping at the tears.

John’s heart broke at the sight of the tears trickling down the child’s cheek and reached out to pat his hand. “I know it isn’t and I’m sorry, but I promise…I’ll do everything I can to help you do this if it’s really, really what you want?” John questioned uncertainly.

“It…Is,” the boy hiccupped brokenly.

John bit his lip for a long moment before he nodded determinedly.  He didn’t know exactly how he’d do it. He didn’t know anyone in the court system, not even a lawyer, he mused.

Then he had an idea…He did know someone who did know those people. He hated asking her for anything but he’d make the exception for Tommy. He’d wait and see what their answer was first but if they came back with a negative response he’d know who to go to for help and hoped she’d be willing, after all she already knew how much Tommy meant to him.

He didn’t have long to wait. Mrs. Gwinn called Dr. Brackett later that morning to tell him the decision. As a ward of the state, they didn’t feel that it was acceptable to allow them take the boys organs and donate them.

She hadn’t fought very hard to change their opinion on the matter and Mr. Fry had simply deferred to her disapproving stance on the matter.

Brackett had sighed, knowing how disappointed Tommy would be but he had no option…He had to defer to their wishes. He headed toward the elevators to go break the news.

Kel stopped at the door to Tommy’s room. He wasn’t looking forward to telling the child that his dream wouldn’t be realized or at seeing the look of disappointment that would be reflected in the boy’s face but he had no choice.

He pressed the door open. Johnny glanced up from his chair where he was keeping vigil over the boy while he slept.

“Hey Doc,” he greeted quietly so he wouldn’t wake the child.

“Johnny,” he acknowledged with a grim smile. He glanced toward the other bed where Carol sat reading a story to her son. She gave Dr. Brackett a smile of greeting before turning back to her son to continue reading.

Kel returned his attention to Johnny. “Can I talk to you out in the hall?” He questioned with a short head jerk toward the door.

John frowned at the look on the doctor’s face, but he nodded and rose to his feet, casting a quick glance toward Tommy to be sure he was still sleeping and then followed the doctor into the corridor.

“What’s goin on?” He asked the scowling physician worriedly.

Kel sighed. “I just got off the phone with Mrs. Gwinn,” he began disconsolately.

John felt his stomach shrink a bit at the tone. “They said no go on the donation idea huh?” He finished for him.

Kel nodded resignedly. “Yeah,” he affirmed sadly.

“That’s not fair,” he muttered, knowing how disappointed Tommy was going to be. Didn’t these people understand that it was the boys dying wish…Didn’t it matter that it was what the child wanted to do? It just wasn’t right.

“I know it isn’t but I don’t have a choice John. They are his guardians and it’s their decision.”

“Yeah but technically it’s the state’s decision,” he argued.

“Yes, they said the State had made that decision.”

John’s mouth tightened. Kel recognized the stubborn set to the younger man’s jaw and almost chuckled. He pitied Ms Gwinn and Mr. Fry if John intended to argue their decision. “There’s nothing I can do John,” he explained, reaching out to rest his hand on the young paramedics shoulder.

John tensed a bit but refrained from pulling away. “Yeah…Well there may be nothing you or I can do but there’s plenty more someone else can do,” he said determinedly.

Kel looked at him curiously. “Who’s that Johnny?” He pressed.

John shook his head. “I’ll be back in a few Doc. I gotta make a call,” he explained as he headed for the bank of phones near the nurse’s station.

Johnny swallowed heavily as he heard the woman’s voice on the other end of the telephone. “Hi Aunt Rose,” he began hesitantly. Man he hated having to beg for help with anything.

“Hi sweetie,” her cultured voice replied worriedly. John seldom called her, it was usually the other way around so she wondered what had induced her recalcitrant nephew to pick up a phone and give her a call. She figured it wasn’t for casual chit chat.

“Um...Aunt Rose; I uh…I need a…I mean can I ask a favor? I know I don’t uh… call enough and it’s not cool to only… ya know, call when I need…”

“John Roderick; I’ll take a call from you for any reason but you know I hate it when you beat around the bush,” she admonished.

“Uh sorry,” he mumbled.

“And I hate it even worse when you mumble at me so what is it I can help you with sweetie?”  She pressed, ignoring the fact that her nephew wasn’t a child anymore. He’d always be her beloved brothers child and therefore dear to her.

 “Yeah…um sorry. Aunt Rose it’s about Tommy.”

“Tommy?” She questioned.

“Yeah…the boy I rescued a few months ago… remember?” He prompted.

“Oh yes…Are you still seeing that boy?” She questioned worriedly, afraid he was still on the adoption kick.

“Uh yeah…Look Aunt Rose,” he hesitated trying to decide how to tell her. He figured the best way was point blank. “Tommy has a brain tumor,” he said bluntly.

He heard the shocked gasp on the other end before she spoke. “I’m so sorry John,” she almost whispered.

“Yeah,” he muttered, still a bit miffed at this whole situation.

“How bad is it?” She questioned hesitantly, hoping he just needed financial aid to help the boy and it was something they could cure.

“He’s um…He’s dying,” John answered with a slight hitch to his softly spoke reply.

Tears sprang to Rose’s eyes as she heard the grief in her nephew’s voice. John so seldom showed any emotion and for a long time now had buried them so deep she wasn’t sure he’d ever find them again, but now she heard it and it broke her heart.

“I’m so sorry sweetie. What can I do to help?”

“Um…he’s uh; He’s asked to donate his heart to another child here,” he explained.

“Oh my!” She exclaimed in shock. “That’s such a difficult decision for a child,” she added after a long pause.

“Yeah…for anyone really, but Tommy’s special Aunt Rose; he’s a really great kid and he just wants to help people and now this is the only way he can; but the real problem is that he’s a ward of the state and they won’t let him do this.”

“I see,” she replied softly, beginning to get the gist of John’s problem. “I can’t force them to change their minds John,” she added sadly.

“No…but you do know people who may be able to get me in to see a judge.”

“There’s procedure’s to follow John,” she explained.

“They take time Aunt Rose; Tommy doesn’t have that. He’s already had a brain bleed and his time is running out. His guardians don’t want to let him do this and they’ll hold it all up till it’s too late. He needs this now…Please Aunt Rose,” he pleaded, willing to swallow his pride and grovel for Tommy’s sake.

Rose sighed. She understood in a way. She doubted she’d be able to make that decision for someone she loved either, but she’d do almost anything for her nephew and he needed her help. She couldn’t refuse him. “Alright sweetie;  I’ll call my Attorney…He’ll know who to call,” she promised.

John well remembered the man; Dennis Chillingsworth. He’d met him several times as a teenager and he had no doubt the rather imposing lawyer would know what to do.

“Thank you Aunt Rose,” John said with a sigh of relief.

“I’ll call him right away and let you know as soon as possible.”

“Thank you,” he breathed out gratefully.

“I love you sweetie,” she said softly, hoping someday he’d be able to say it back.

There was a long pause before John replied as he always did. “I know you do.”

She sighed in disappointment. “I’ll call you back soon,” she added before hanging up.

John resumed his seat by Tommy’s bedside. He picked up the discarded newspaper and continued his reading, knowing Brackett would contact him if Rosemary called back.

It was a long while later when Tommy’s eyes fluttered open. He glanced over to where John was sitting…his long legs propped in a chair opposite him as he watched some inane game show on the television. From the faraway gaze, the child suspected he wasn’t really paying much attention to it.

“Hey,” the boy mumbled tiredly to get John’s attention. John sat up, jerking his feet from the chair to spin around and face the boy.

“Hi kiddo,” he said, trying his best to sound cheerful.

“Waz hap..nin?” he questioned blearily as he looked toward the TV before squinting painfully.

John looked over and shrugged before picking up the remote and shutting it down. “Nothin important; just killing time till you woke up,” he assured the boy. “Are you hurting?” He asked worriedly.

Tommy shrugged. “Gettin use toit,” he slurred.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny said with a frown.

Tommy closed his eyes against the glare of the overhead lights and gave another resigned lift of his shoulders. His head hurt but he didn’t want Johnny to feel bad about it. There wasn’t anything he could do but get him more medication which would knock him out and Tommy didn’t want to sleep away whatever time he had left.

He remembered the conversation he and Johnny had had earlier and his lids lifted heavily so he could see John again. “Did ja heer anything?”

John sighed. “Yah kiddo…I did.”

“Waddid they say?”

John shook his head. “They um…They said no,” he began.

A mutinous look settled over Tommy’s face even as tears welled to slither in wet trails down the boys pale cheeks. “Not fair,” he whimpered.

“I know it isn’t and I’m not done yet okay? I made a phone call to someone I know to try to get me in to see a judge so I can ask them to change their mind.”

Tommy swiped at the tears and nodded. “Doya thin it’ll help?” He questioned.

“I’ll do my best to make them understand how important this is to you okay?”

Tommy nodded again and sighed as the door opened to admit his nurse. She held a tray with several syringes full of medications. He knew he needed them but he didn’t want to sleep despite the pain in his head. 

“Doa wan tha one,” he said nodding toward what he knew was morphine.

“Now Tommy,” Elaine said admonishingly.

“Jus for a lit…le while. I wan…na talk to Johnny,” he explained with a pleading look.

“I dunno,” she replied hesitantly.

“Just give us an hour,” John requested softly, wanting as much time with the boy as he could as well.

Elaine finally nodded. Brackett might be unhappy over it but she couldn’t resist the two pairs of eyes gazing at her with such hopeful looks. “Alright…For an hour,” she warned.

They both gave her a grateful smile while she emptied the contents of the other syringes into his IV port and left.

John resettled back into his chair and let the child talk. It was slow and hard to understand but they both relished every moment, knowing that soon, Tommy would be unable to communicate at all as the tumor continued to grow.

The boy’s eyes were closed against the glare of the overhead lights as he spoke and an hour later his words grew slurred and intermittent until John realized that he’d fallen asleep.

 Tommy drifted in and out throughout the evening and John stayed by his side. Neither spoke again about Tommy’s desire to donate his heart since Carol was in the room and they didn’t want to build up her hopes for her child only to be disappointed if they couldn’t turn the state’s decision in his favor.

John waited for his aunt to call him back hoping that she wouldn’t take long to reach someone that could help them.  The clock hands ticked slowly round without his hopes coming to fruition.

He left soon after Tommy had had his dinner and meds for the night and had drifted off to sleep. He headed for Roy’s to tell him what was happening, hoping his best friend would support whatever he had to do for Tommy.

He hated asking for help but he wasn’t sure he could get through this ordeal alone, especially when it involved fighting for the child’s right to die on his own terms.

John knocked softly on the door of the DeSoto home, hoping they wouldn’t be too upset at his uninvited appearance on their front doorstep, especially this late in the evening.

The door opened and the curious look of his best friends face softened into welcoming lines as he saw young partner standing in the pale yellow glow of his porch light. The sorrowful dark eyes evidence enough of his need to talk about whatever was weighing on his heart.

“Hey Junior, c’mon in,” he invited, stepping back and letting the younger man in out of the cool late February evening.

“Thanks,” he murmured, slipping past his friend and into the inviting warmth of partner’s home.

Joanne was seated on the couch and the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted to him. Joanne saw the longing look toward the pot and grinned at her husband’s best friend.

“Hi Johnny,” She greeted, leaning forward to grip the coffee urn’s handle. “Would you like some coffee…it’ll take the chill off,” she questioned, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah; that’d be great,” he agreed with a grateful smile. “Oh and I’m sorry to show up uninvited,” he added hesitantly, casting a worried look at his partner and then back to Joanne.

“Don’t be silly Johnny; you’re always welcome,” Jo soothed as she poured the young fireman a steaming cup of coffee.

John’s mouth quirked up in a half grin of appreciation. “Thanks.”

“So what’s up Junior?” Roy asked, giving his young friend the invitation he came here for.

John thought about it for a minute and decided his aunt’s method was best. He didn’t beat about the bush; his dark eyes lifted to meet Roy’s blue. “Tommy had a brain bleed yesterday,” he said point blank.

Joanne gasped her cup stopping halfway to her mouth in shocked horror. Her eyes flooded with tears of sympathy. She’d really liked the child the few times she’d met him and she knew what he meant to John; her heart broke for her young friend. She knew how she’d feel if it were her child. She didn’t even know if he’d survived…Roy beat her to the question.

Roy’s mouth dropped open in surprise as well but he recovered quickly. “Is he alright?” He questioned, sitting down next to his partner in case he needed him.

“For the moment,” he said sadly. “The tumor is growing faster than they anticipated,” he added, looking beaten.

“I’m sorry Johnny,” the older man commiserated, his hand coming to rest on John’s arm, giving it a light pat.

The dark head bobbed in acknowledgement of the sympathetic gesture and he swallowed hard against the lump in his throat, blinking back the threatening tears.

“They have him on blood thinners but they don’t um…they don’t think he has uh…much time,” he said so quietly they had to strain to hear the raspy whisper, his dark eyes dropping to stare at the floor dismally to hide the embarrassing tears. 

“I’m sorry sweetheart,” Joanne said, setting down her cup and reaching over to grip the younger man’s hand comfortingly. “Does he know?”

He nodded and continued. “He um…he knows. He uh…he wants to donate his heart to the little boy in the bed next to him,” he continued, glancing up at the two stunned faces now staring back at him.

“Wow,” Roy said after a long moment.

“That’s so brave of him,” Jo finally replied after the shock of a child making such an adult request had worn off. That was sometimes a tough decision even for a grownup, much less an eleven year old child.

“So did Brackett say okay to that?” Roy asked curiously.

 John nodded. “Yeah…but; his guardians are against it. They don’t think the state will allow it.”

Roy and Jo both frowned. “That’s not fair,” Jo said indignantly.

“I know. He wants to save lives and this is the only way he has left,” John explained dismally. He glanced up and Roy saw the younger man’s jaw set in what he’d come to recognize as pure stubbornness.

“So what are you gonna do now?” Roy asked, seeing the look of steely determination settling on John’s face.

“I called my aunt. I asked her to pull some strings and see if she could get me in to see a judge…Someone to listen to Tommy’s side of this,” he told them.

Roy nodded; proud of his best friends resolve to get the child’s last wishes honored whatever it took. “If you need me to go with you or anything,” Roy began supportively.

John gave his best friend a relieved smile. He’d been hoping Roy would go with him but hadn’t wanted to ask, after all it wasn’t his fight, and he’d been against his involvement with the boy in the first place and now he was in it to his eyebrows, he mused.

“I was hoping you’d come along for moral support,” he said gratefully.

“Anything you need Junior,” he reassured his young partner.

John set his cup down. “Thanks; guess I should get going. Thanks for the coffee Jo,” he said giving the pretty auburn haired woman a smile before turning to his friend. “Thanks Pally,” he added, trying to sound upbeat and falling short.

“Anything Junior…Anytime,” he promised.

John nodded and headed for the door. He left for home hoping his aunt would call him back soon.

John woke early the next morning. He rolled from bed and headed for the bathroom for a shower and shave. 

Twenty minutes later he stood in his kitchen brewing coffee before he headed for the hospital to visit Tommy.

He had a few errands to run along the way. He hadn’t sent any of his uniforms to the dry cleaners and he only had one clean one left. He hadn’t vacuumed or done any grocery shopping. The food in his refrigerator was beginning to grow fur in some of the containers. He needed to clean that out too but for now it would have to wait until he had more time to spend at home. Tommy was his only priority right now.

He pulled open the bread box and pulled out two pieces, sniffing them cautiously to be sure they were still good despite the slightly dried texture. He decided they were still edible and dropped them into the toaster.

A knock on the door interrupted his preparations. He went to pull the door open, curious at who would be visiting him this early in the morning. He was a bit surprised to find his Aunt Rosemary standing there.

“Uh hi,” he said brilliantly.

Rose was well used to her nephew’s lack of social skills and smiled tolerantly at him. “Good morning sweetie,” she greeted.

John continued to stand in the doorway in confusion. He’d been expecting her to call not to show up. She’d actually only been in his apartment once and that was on the day he’d moved in. “Oh… um mornin Aunt Rose,” he added.

“Can I come in John or do you intend to keep me standing out here while we talk?” She questioned with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh uh…sorry…c’mon in,” he said hurriedly stepping back out of the way.

“Thank you,” she replied walking past him into the foyer.

“Would you like some coffee?” He asked, finally regaining his manners.

“Thank you, that would be lovely,” she replied, stepping into his small kitchen and slipping into a seat at his table.

“I uh…I’m just making some toast…You don’t want…I mean the breads not…,” he stopped, not wanting to admit that he was actually eating week old bread, and definitely not wanting to offer her the same.

“No thank you sweetie; I’ve eaten but you go ahead,” she offered.

The toaster popped behind him and John plucked the bread from the machine, buttering it quickly before he poured another cup of coffee for Rosemary and set it before her. He joined her a moment later with his own sparse breakfast.

He took a bite of toast. “So what are ya doin here?” He asked around the mouthful.

Rose sighed and shook her head, not only by the bad habit of talking with his mouth full but the bluntness of his question.

“I believe you asked for my help John Roderick,” she said tartly.

John flushed at the subtle rebuke with the use of both of his names. He swallowed, taking a sip of his coffee to wash it down and clear his mouth. “Sorry,” he murmured. “So um what did you find out?” He asked cautiously.

“The LA Family court will see you on Thursday. They will be contacting his guardians to be there as well so they can hear what you have to say. The rest is up to you John,” she warned the young man across from her.

“Thank you Aunt Rose,” he said sincerely, nervous now that he knew he was going to have to appear in a court but still determined to fight for the boy’s right to die on his own terms.

She nodded. “It’s at 10:00 AM, Judge William Arnold,” she advised. He nodded. It didn’t give him much time to prepare anything but then, it would probably be better if it just came from his heart. Still…he didn’t want to sound stupid so he’d have to come up with something to make them understand how much this meant to Tommy.

“This will mean a lot to Tommy,” he promised his aunt.

“Good,” she replied somberly. “Are you going to see Thomas today?” She asked curiously.

“Yeah…I’m going in a little while,” he told her.

“Can I come along? I’d like to meet this young man, he sounds very special,” she requested.

“He is. He’s made me think about doing the same thing if something should happen to me,” he said, giving her a sideways glance.

“Oh?”

He nodded. His Aunt was his next of kin and it would have to be her that they contacted to get permission to remove him from life support should that time ever come. “You’d have to agree to that,” he warned her.

Her face went pale. “Oh Ha’kéta,” she whispered. “Don’t ask me to make that decision,” she pleaded. “You know how dear you are to me,” she added. “I just couldn’t bear to just…just let you go.”

John’s face flushed in embarrassment. He knew she told him she loved him but his upbringing made it difficult for him to believe that anyone could possibly love him the way she claimed to and he never quite believed her, but he knew she cared about him just because he was her beloved brother’s only child. He sighed and nodded. “Okay Aunt Rosemary,” he murmured, balked but not dissuaded. He’d have to think of something else so she’d never have to make that decision.

He finished his coffee. “Are you ready? We can head to the hospital. I just gotta drop off my dry cleaning on the way,” he said.

“Let’s go then,” she replied, standing up and handing her coffee cup to John.

They headed out to their cars a few minutes later; Rosemary followed John to Rampart.

Rosemary entered the room with John a while later. Her heart broke at the sight of the eleven year old boy in the bed. He was asleep but his face was pale and slightly pinched as if even in sleep, he was in pain. His tousled brown hair was close in shade to her nephews.

Her eyes shot to the woman sitting close to the other bed in the room. Carol glanced up and gave Rose a polite smile and nod of the head.

She smiled back looking to the child in the bed briefly before following John toward Tommy’s. “What’s wrong with him?” She whispered, giving a small head tip in Carol’s direction.

“Needs a new heart,” John replied softly. “He’s the one Tommy wants to um…donate his heart too,” he finished.

Rosemary gasped in shock.  “Does she know?” She asked in a low voice.

John shook his head. “No; we didn’t feel that we should even mention it until we uh…knew for sure they’d let him do that when the uh…when he um…Ahem…when the time came,” he answered brokenly.

“I see,” she sighed, looking at Tommy with both sorrow and astonishment that a child this young had so much courage. She was once again impressed. He reminded her of John. She knew John had been through a lot; he’d never told her exactly what but she’d known it was bad, but he’d never whined or cried or complained and he’d never quit, never given up. She was so proud of the man he’d become and she wondered if John had rubbed off on the boy. Rosemary patted John’s arm gently as the pair lid into the seats near the bed.

 The sound of their conversation had penetrated Tommy’s drugged sleep and the boys eyes began to flutter.

John noted the movement and slid forward in his chair, reaching out to rest his hand on the child’s arm as his light brown eyes opened, focusing on John for a long moment before moving to Rosemary. A slight frown marred his forehead as he tried to figure out who the lady was. John caught the confused look and grinned.

“Hi kiddo,” he greeted, giving the child’s nose the familiar tweak as he always did.

“Hey,” he mumbled back tiredly, the constant levels of pain medication keeping him groggy and drained of energy. He hated it, but knew the dull throb in his head which had become a constant condition over the past few days would be unbearable without it.

“How are ya feein?” Johnny asked sympathetically.

“Tir’d; my head hurs,” he slurred unhappily.

“I’m sorry kiddo,” the paramedic commiserated. He’ had a few injuries himself and understood completely, though his had been temporary and Tommy’s would only get worse he mused sadly.

Tommy shrugged. He didn’t want John to feel bad; he’d been so good to him and had been there for him since he’d met him six months ago, and knew he’d stick with him to the end. His eyes turned once again to the pretty lady sitting next to his friend.

John smiled. “Tommy; this is my Aunt Rosemary,” he said, appeasing the child’s curiosity.

The boy did his best to smile at the lady as she leaned forward to take the boys hand in her own and give it a gentle shake.

“Pleased to meet you Thomas,” she greeted the boy.

Tommy’s nose crinkled at the formal moniker and John snorted with laughter, well used to his Aunt’s proper use of names. The boy’s eyes shot back toward John and caught the grin, He stuck his tongue out at his tall friend before he remembered his manners. “Uh hi ma’am,” he replied.

Rosemary noted the interplay between her nephew and the child and her heart seemed to skip a beat, wishing she’d tried harder to find a way to have John named as his guardian. They were good for each other even though she knew in her head that John wasn’t ready to be a father.

“She’s the person I said I was going to call to help us,” John explained. “She wanted to meet you,” he added.

“Can ya?” He asked simply.

Rose gave him a soft smile. “Yes. John is going to talk to the Judge for you on Thursday,” she assured the boy.

“Thanks,” he murmured as the door opened and his nurse came in.

John and Tommy both sighed knowing that as soon as she gave Tommy his medication he’d nod off again; the down side of keeping the child pain free and comfortable.

“What is it?” Rose asked, hearing the frustrated breaths.

“Meds,” Tommy groaned in reply. “I’m sleeping my time away,” he muttered unhappily.

Rose looked shocked that a child this age was so frank about his condition. “I’m sorry,” she murmured sympathetically.

Tommy gave a slight shrug as John’s long fingers swept the dark hair off the child’s forehead. “I know you hate it but you’re in pain,” he said, noting the squinted eyes and the lines furrowing his forehead.

“I know,” he mumbled resignedly as his nurse set down her tray and picked up the BP cuff. She gave John and Rosemary a small smile as she quickly took his vitals and then emptied the syringe into his IV Port.

She patted his arm gently despite the boys’ slightly sour glare. She left the bedside, turning her attention to Andy and Carol on the other side of the room.

Tommy gave John and his aunt a mutinous scowl, the only protest he had left to being kept groggy or asleep most of the time. He didn’t enjoy the miserable headache’s, but he wanted to spend time with Johnny too, not that he was a great conversationalist anymore; the tumor had left his thoughts slightly muddled and his speech slurred now. He sighed in frustration as he felt the beginning effects of the medicine and knew he didn’t have much time before he nodded off once again.

“Iwas nice ofya ta helme,” he said to Rosemary.

“I hope it works…,” she began before realizing her wish was that this boy would be able to donate his organ after he died. How could she hope his dream came true when it would mean his death? She glanced at John and saw the sorrow in his dark eyes and wondered how he was dealing with this after he’d already lost so much in his short life.

She hoped his friend Roy would be able to help him through. She wished he’d be here today so she could have met the man who’d befriended her sensitive, young nephew. He’d obviously been a good influence in his life.

She gave Tommy a small half smile even as the boy’s eyes closed. She turned to John. She saw the moisture in his eyes as he watched to boy drift off and knew he was fighting hard to hide the pain he was feeling. He’d never let her see what he considered a weakness even though she’d never think less of him for it. It had been drilled in by his grandfather for too long.

She reached over to cup his cheek, turning his face toward her. “I’m here if you need me Ha’kéta,” she assured him, leaning down to kiss his reddening cheek, embarrassed that he’d almost cracked in front of her.

She saw his jaw tighten and the chocolate colored eyes blinked away the telltale tears before they could fall. “I’ll um…I’ll be fine,” he managed to grind out between clenched teeth.

He sighed in frustration that her brothers only child couldn’t trust her with his feelings even after all this time. She knew he’d been hurt too many times and could only hope that one day he’d believe in her and her love for him and let her in.

“I better go,” she finally said, sweeping the dark bangs from John’s forehead.

He nodded. “Thanks for coming and thank you for your help,” he added. “Sorry I had to drag you into this,” he mumbled red faced. She knew he hated asking for anything.

“I don’t mind sweetie; you know you can ask me for help anytime,” she assured him, cupping his chin and tilting his face up toward her.

“Thanks,” he said again, his face flushing a bit in embarrassment.

“I love you sweetie,” she added picking up her purse.

“I uh…I know you do,” he replied.

Rose sighed in defeat as she headed for door. Hoping Somehow…someday he’d be able to say those words.

She waited at the elevator. It finally gave a ping as the door opened and a tall blonde man stepped out of the elevator. She gave him a cursory glance and a small polite smile as they passed each other. The man nodded back but moved on up the hall as the doors closed in front of her, unaware that she’d been just minutes away from having met the man that had befriended her nephew and made a difference in his life.

John had barely resettled into the chair when the door opened again and his partner and best friend stepped into the room.

John gave him a slight smile of greeting as the tall blonde crossed the room and came to stand beside the chair. Roy shot a light head bob to Carol to acknowledge her presence before glancing toward Tommy.

“How’s he doin?” He asked quietly.

Johnny shook his head. “Not good. He’s in pain all the time, his speech is slurred. He hates the pain meds because they make him fall asleep, but he has to have them. He feels like what little time he has is being stolen from him,” he added with a sigh.

Roy laid his hand on John’s arm comfortingly, wishing he had the answers for his young friend. “So did your aunt call?” He finally questioned.

“No she uh…she just left. You probably passed her in the hall,” he said nodding toward the door.

Roy had a fleeting memory of the tall, elegant looking woman that had stepped into the elevator as he’d exited. “I think I saw her,” he agreed. “Tall, attractive, brunette?” He asked.

“Yeah; yeah that’s her,” he said.

“So what did she say?”

“I have to be at court at 10:00 in the morning on Thursday,” he told him, hoping Roy would still be agreeable about going with him.

“I’ll pick you up if you want?” Roy offered, letting John know he still intended to go with him without making his young friend ask for his help.

John shot him a sideways glance; the dark eyes sad and haunted. “Thanks,” he replied so softly Roy had to strain to hear it. The older man understood the reticence…After all they were going there to argue for the child’s right to give his organs to another child…not exactly a day in the park.

Roy heart went out to his young partner and he could see the hurt and pain and the father in him rose up. He wanted to pull John into a comforting embrace but he knew John would be totally humiliated by the gesture, even though he’d held him once before as he’d told him of his abusive past. John had been embarrassed and ashamed by it and Roy was uncertain how he’d react to it if he gave in to the whim. He reached out and laid his hand on his friends shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

John didn’t look up, but Roy saw the short, grateful head bob of appreciation of the gesture. “You want some coffee junior?” He offered, trying to get the younger man away for just a few minutes to clear his head and regroup.

“Sure,” he answered huskily as he rose to his feet. “Uh Roy…Can I ask a favor?” He began hesitantly.

“Sure Junior,” he replied, looking at him questioningly.

“I was wondering if you would um…,” he began, stopping for a long moment before he shook his head. He worried his lower lip with his teeth. He’d been about to ask him to take that responsibility that his aunt had refused how could he ask that of someone he’d only known such a short time? Put that burden on his partner?  He couldn’t…It wouldn’t be fair to do that to someone who wasn’t family even though

he thought of Roy like a brother; he had no idea how Roy felt about him and whether he would be angry or feel obligated and he didn’t want that. “Never mind…It’s too much,” he said finally.

Roy gazed at him for a long time before he decided not t press him for whatever it was that was bothering his young friend. “He once again laid his hand on John’s shoulder and then tentatively reached out to gently grip his young friends chin, turning his face toward him.

Roy knew Johnny was still a bit insecure about where he stood in Roy’s life. He didn’t understand it himself sometimes but  he cared about the kid and his heart broke at what had happened to him and he wished he could change it and now this…He knew he wouldn’t hesitate to do whatever it was John asked, he wished he could tell him how he felt, but he didn’t know if John would believe him or not; not to mention that Roy wasn’t that demonstrative and he had his own problems communicating his feelings to anyone but Jo…No…better if he just waited and let him make the decision on his own. “When you’re ready junior…You can ask me okay?” He assured him.

John’s dark eyes lifted to meet his and he nodded hesitantly, still uncertain of just how much he could ask of his friend and partner. He had no idea how fond Roy truly was becoming of the young man who’d wandered into his life and his family. The half man, half waif that had snuck past his own defenses to become the other half of his soul, Roy already knew most of the humiliating things about him and his past; things that had been done and said, even though he hadn’t told him the details or the worst of it.

John had never had anyone as close as Roy was and didn’t want to scare him off by becoming drain on him and his family and he wasn’t sure about piling on more responsibility, more potential personal problems onto his friend. He needed to think about it.

“Okay,” he agreed.

Roy nodded and pulled the door open to let John precede him down the hall.

John spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon with Tommy but the boy was alternately sick and in pain or sleeping from the pain meds. He finally left around dinner time. He had to work in the morning and the child was going to be sleeping anyway. He hated leaving him but he had to be fresh to do his job and Tommy wouldn’t know whether he was there or not. He sighed at the dilemma he was in but finally headed for home.

It didn’t help much, he tossed and turned all night anyway while he tried to come up with what to say to the court on Thursday.

He finally got up and took a shower. He poured himself a cup of coffee and grabbed a book off the shelf. He vaguely remembered a quote from a book he’d read not too long ago. He flipped slowly through the pages until he found it.

He jotted it down and then began to write what he hoped would touch the heart of the judge and make him see that Tommy’s only chance to achieve his dream was through his desire to save Andy Carson and who knows…maybe a few others as well. After a few restarts and burning through an eraser he finally had a draft he hoped would achieve that purpose.

He finished his now cold coffee and heard his alarm begin to sound off in his bedroom down the hall. John glanced at his watch and realized he’d been at it for over two hours. Well...at least he was dressed and ready to go.

He returned to his bedroom to shut off his alarm before he grabbed his keys and headed for the station.

Johnny beat the rest of the crew in for a change and was already seated at the table with a fresh cup of coffee when the others arrived.

“Hey Gage,” Marco greeted.

“Morning John,” Mike added as he passed.

“Gage,” Cap said, looking a bit surprised to see his youngest crew member there before the rest of them as the young man usually slid in just under the wire, vying for last man in with Chet Kelly.

“Hey guys; Cap,” he added with a small half smile.

“Mornin Junior,” Roy said from the doorway as he entered with a couple of members of the departing C shift who’d just returned from an early morning run.

“Mornin,” John replied, giving the other two a brief nod of greeting.

Roy glanced at his watch thinking it must be later than he thought. He seemed surprised to realize that he had arrived at his usual early hour.  “What are you doin here?” The senior paramedic questioned as he headed for the coffee pot.

“Couldn’t sleep. Too much on my mind,” he explained.

Roy turned to face him with the coffee pot in hand. “Tommy?” He questioned worriedly.

Johnny nodded. “Had to try and think about what to say to the judge tomorrow,” he explained.

“What Judge?” Captain Hammer asked in concern.

John gave Roy a glance knowing he’d have to explain to his captain, crew and C shift as the rest of the group filtered in along with Chet Kelly.

Cap gave them a nod of greeting before returning his attention to Johnny. “What Judge?” He asked again.

The rest of them looked to their youngest crew member curiously. John sighed.

“I told you Tommy only has a short time left,” he reminded his crew.

They nodded while the crew of C shift glanced around at the others. “Is that the kid you brought in here a while back?” Captain Hookrader questioned.

John nodded. “Yeah…He uh…He has a brain tumor,” he told them bluntly. John was anything but subtle as they had all learned quickly. He didn’t talk often but when he did he was usually point blank about what he did have to say.

The look of surprise on their faces had barely registered before John continued. “Anyway,” he began again. “He’s decided he wants to donate his organs…well specifically his heart,” he amended, ignoring the gasps of shock from the others at this information. “But his guardians won’t give them permission so I have to go to court tomorrow and try and make them understand that this is the last chance Tommy has to help other people; it’s all...,” he hesitated briefly to draw a breath. “It’s all he’s wanted to do since I met him. To be a hero…to matter to someone,” he finished softly.

There was silence for a long time as the others exchanged glances. A myriad of emotions played over their faces; Shock, amazement, horror and sorrow.

Hammer cleared his throat. “What a great kid,” he said, sounding a bit hoarse. He had a son of his own and he couldn’t imagine him having to make that kind of decision.

Hookrader also recovered quickly from his shock. “You must be very proud of that boy Gage,” he said gruffly.

John gave him a glance of incredulity before he realized the man was correct. There was grief and there was sorrow but there was also pride that this eleven year old would make such a difficult decision and to face what most adults couldn’t with such courage.

“Yes sir; yes I am,” he agreed.

“Well then good luck tomorrow,” he added as he stood up. “C Shift…you’re dismissed,” he added.

They took the hint and rose to their feet. Most of them giving John’s shoulder a pat as they passed behind him.

“Good luck John,” the engineer said softly.

“I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow,” another added.

“Thanks,” he replied as they filed out.

Roy sat in the empty seat next to his young partner. “I know that was tough junior,” he said softly, laying his hand on John’s arm.

The younger man nodded sadly. “Anything else you need me to help you with?” He asked.

John shook his head. “No…Just knowing you’ll be there is enough.”

“Anything we can do?” Mike asked quietly.

John again shook his head. “No thanks Mike…This is something I have to do on my own.”

“If you change your mind amigo,” Marco said softly.

“Yeah…We’re here if you need us Gage,” Chet added sincerely.

“Thanks.”

The toning of the station control unit broke the somber mood. “Station 51…Vehicle accident.”

The crew rose from their seats and ran for their rigs.

Thankfully there were only minor injuries at the accident site. John and Roy accompanied them to Rampart but weren’t required further and made their way to the base station where Dixie and Kelly Brackett were going over a chart.

The pair glanced up as they approached. “Hey you two,” Dixie greeted with a smile.

“Hey Dix,” Roy replied, trying to sound more cheerful than he felt for John’s sake.

The smile fled Dixie’s face as she looked toward the younger member of the team. John gave her a bleak nod as the corners of his mouth rose briefly and then returned to the somber look he’d been wearing for the last two weeks.

“How’s Tommy this morning?” He asked quietly.

“He was in pain this morning. Barely took three bites of his breakfast,” Dixie informed him.

John glanced at his partner. “I should go up to see him,” he said, turning toward the elevators.

 Kel reached out to grip his arm. “He’s asleep,” he told him quietly.

John sighed. “Poor kid,” he mumbled. “That’s all he ever does now.”

“It’s better John. He’s in a lot of pain when he’s awake,” he advised.

John nodded. “I know…Doesn’t make it easier on him though. He hates it.”

Kel nodded. “So have you decided what to do about his guardians?” Kel asked, changing the subject.

John nodded. “I’m going to court tomorrow to ask a judge to allow Tommy’s decision to be adhered to,” the young paramedic told him.

“How did you pull that off?” Brackett questioned in surprise.

“Pulled a couple of strings with someone I know,” he admitted, not giving him any more detail.

The dark haired doctor accepted the explanation without prying further. “Do you need me to come along for a medical opinion?” Kel offered.

John shook his head. “I think I can handle it. I think he just needs to hear what Tommy wants…what he needs,” he amended.

Kel nodded. “If you change your mind let me know?” He added.

“I will,” he agreed as the pair headed for the doors, pleased that he had so many standing behind him and Tommy right now. He just needed to be sure the judge was at the end of the day.

The pair returned to the station. Roy and Captain Hammer made it a point to keep John busy between runs until evening. Roy suggested Johnny turn in early; he had a very important appointment the next day.

They only had one run in the early morning hours but it turned out to be a small restaurant kitchen fire with no injuries. The crew returned to the station and climbed gratefully back into their beds, dropping off to sleep, all except Johnny who lay awake for several hours worrying over the next day’s proceedings and what to say.

Problem was he’d never been in a court room and had no idea how it all worked and what to say. All he knew was what he’d seen on TV and he knew that was probably not how it all really worked.

He sighed and turned over on his stomach in frustration, finally nodding off in the wee hours of the morning.

He woke with the others only a couple of hours later as the station tones called them to all too sleepy awareness.  They rolled from their beds and began to pull on turnouts, snapping suspenders into place as they shuffled their way to the kitchen.

Roy turned back when he realized Johnny was still sitting on the edge of his bed. He made his way back to his young partner and waited till the tired dark eyes lifted to meet his.

“You look exhausted,” the older man observed.

John nodded. “Been thinkin about this mornin,” he replied quietly.

“You get any sleep at all junior?” he questioned.

“Couple hours maybe,” he mumbled.

“What’s the problem?”

“I’ve never been in court before and I’m not sure what I’m gonna say exactly. I mean I think I do; I wrote down some stuff,” he said with a shrug.

“Don’t worry Junior, I’ve been in one a couple of times. It’s no big deal and they’ll explain it as they go.”

John nodded. “Kay,” he acceded.

“Good, now c’mon junior, let’s get some coffee into you and then you can head home and change “

“Thanks,” he muttered grasping the proffered hand and letting his older partner pull him to his feet.

Twenty minutes later they headed for home.

“I’ll be by in a few minutes,” Roy called.

John threw him a hand wave as he pulled out in his old camper.

True to his word the older paramedic pulled into the parking lot at nine O’clock. The younger man was waiting impatiently for him when he turned in despite the fact that Roy hadn’t given him a specific time. Roy knew his partner was anxious and obsessing and hoped he’d keep be able to keep his composer no matter what happened today.

“Hey,” he greeted his friend as John climbed into the car.

“Hi,” Johnny replied softly. “Thanks for coming along and picking me up,” he added as he slid into Roy’s classic Porsche.

“No problem junior, I’m behind you all the way with this,” he assured his partner as he pulled out and headed for the court house.

The pair were ushered into the courtroom just before 10:00 AM and had a seat in the gallery to wait their turn. They heard the door open behind them and several more people came in, but no one they knew so they turned back toward the front. Must be other people who had to appear before the judge this morning, John mused silently.

He looked toward his partner who was apparently studying the tips of his shoes. The surrounding area didn’t lend much toward conversation since you could most likely hear a pin drop in the soundless room.

John glanced around the room curiously. He noted the rather austere paneling decorated only with a plaque depicting a set of scales. The high bench from where he assumed a judge would set to look down upon the proceedings.

Two tables with several chairs behind each were facing the bench. Another small table sat before the bench and to the right of the bench a small box like structure with a seat. He glanced toward the right of the room where a long double row of chairs stretched and swallowed a bit heavily, glad that at least he didn’t have to face a jury in this proceeding, but all in all it looked pretty much like what he’ seen in TV.

His musings were interrupted as the door once more opened behind him. He turned around to see Mr. Fry and Mrs. Gwinn enter the room. They walked toward the front and slid into the seats across the aisle from him. Mrs. Gwinn shot him a dark look, unable to believe this man who had claimed to care so much about this young boy was now quite willing to allow his small body to be cut open…It was beyond unthinkable she thought crossly. She turned her shoulder to the paramedic and stared ahead, ignoring his presence.

John sighed. Did she really believe he was enjoying this? That he wanted Tommy to die? He didn’t like it either but it’s what Tommy wanted and that’s all that mattered right now.

The door in front of them opened and a uniformed officer stepped inside. His gaze swept the room and he snapped to attention. “All rise,” he intoned somberly, waiting briefly while the people of the room climbed to their feet. “The family court of Los Angeles is now in session, Judge William Arnold presiding,” he concluded.

The tall, gray haired judge stepped into the room and climbed the stairs to his seat. His black robe making a soft swishing sound as he settled into the chair. He pulled out a pair of glasses and set them on the bridge of his nose. He glanced at the docket sitting on his desk before he looked up, letting his gaze sweep around the room.

“Good morning,” he greeted the room at large.

There was a muffled retort from the room as they returned his welcome.

“Be seated,” he instructed.

Everyone sank back into their seats and waited while he shuffled his papers about. He finally looked up.

“This is a family court and not a criminal proceeding; No jury will be necessary,” he advised. Everyone nodded. “The first case is the State of Los Angeles VS John Gage in the matter of the disposition of a terminally ill eleven year old child’s final wishes after his death?” He questioned, looking a bit surprised by the case. He glanced around. “Are all the interested parties present?”

“We are your honor,” Mrs. Gwinn replied standing. Mr. Gwinn followed suit.

John licked his suddenly dry lips but climbed nervously to his feet, casting an uneasy look toward his partner. “Uh…Yeah…I am too,” he answered.

“Your honor,” Roy whispered from behind him.

“Oh yeah…Uh Your honor,” he added belatedly.

The judge almost smiled at the obviously anxious young man. It was evident that he’d never been in a court room before. “Very good,” he replied before he glanced toward his Bailiff.

The man nodded and waved the three toward the front. “Can you all please come forward?” He instructed waving them to the tables at the front.

They complied. The man seated Mrs. Gwinn and Mr. Fry on the right before escorting John to the other table.

After they were settled he consulted the papers before him. “Your Honor; the State is represented by Evelyn Gwinn and Robert Fry. The plaintiff; Thomas Masters is being represented by John Gage.” He added.

The judge nodded. “Ms. Gwinn,” he began, waiting briefly as she stood up. “State your case,” he said without further ado.

“Yes your Honor. Thomas Masters is a child with a terminal brain tumor. Mr. Gage is here to argue for you to allow an eleven year old boy to make a very adult decision to donate his heart to another child. A decision that I suspect that he put him up to. “

John opened his mouth to argue that he hadn’t, but Roy touched his arm drawing his attention. John looked at him and caught the negative head shake. “But I didn’t…,” he began in a bare whisper.

“You’ll get your turn just don’t say anything right now,” Roy mumbled softly.

John nodded and turned to concentrate on the proceedings at the front.

“I think that’s a very mature choice to make,” Judge Arnold interjected.

“He’s a CHILD,” she stressed shrilly. “He isn’t old enough to make that decision,” she countered.  “He’s dying and confused and scared…He’s in constant pain and kept half sedated most of the time. He can’t make a rational decision,” she argued. “Besides; it’s barbaric,” she added primly.

The judge managed to refrain from shaking his head at her outdated thinking. He’d heard of great progress in transplantation and thought this young man was making a very practical and adult decision under extreme conditions but if young Tom Masters was being pressured by an outside influence he’d have to reconsider.

He glanced at the young man seated across the aisle next to a tall blonde man and returned his attention to Mrs. Gwinn. “And who exactly is Mr. Gage to Mr. Masters and why is he involved?” He questioned.

Mr. Fry stood up to handle this part. “Four months ago Thomas snuck away from  his foster parents home and went to play in a condemned building with some of his friends. The building collapsed and Thomas was caught inside,” he explained. He nodded toward the two young men. “Mr. Gage and his partner there responded to the incident and rescued Thomas. The boy was very impressed by the uniform and the rescue efforts and decided he wanted to be a fireman like him. Tommy was influenced by a case of hero worship for his rescuer,” he said bluntly. “Mr. Gage took him under his wing and they formed a friendship,” he added grudgingly.

“I see and so you believe he’s influenced the chil-d’s decision?” The judge pressed.

“Well yes Your Honor. An eleven year old boy wouldn’t have come up with this on his own,” he replied knowingly.

The judge could argue that. “Did you allow this relationship?” He questioned.

“Well yes sir. We saw no harm in it and it kept Young Thomas out of trouble.”

“He was in trouble often?”

“Yes Your Honor. Skipping school, running off, failing grades.”

“And that changed after Mr. Gage came into his life?” He asked.

“Yes; Thomas wanted to become a fireman like his new hero here,” he said sounding a bit scathing. John flushed a bit but said nothing as the man continued. “And Mr. Gage told him he needed good grades and so he started studying harder and then Mr. Gage started taking him places and it kept Thomas from misbehaving so we allowed it to continue. He also let us know that his foster parents were treating the child poorly so we were able to remove him from that situation. Then of course Thomas became ill and was diagnosed with a brain tumor.”

“And Mr. Gage was still at his side?” He questioned with an arch to his graying eyebrow.

“Yes your Honor; he’s barely left his room since the diagnosis.”

“Admirable,” Arnold said briefly before he gave John a glance, impressed that he’d become so involved with this child who needed a friend. He nodded for Mr. Fry to resume his seat. He wanted to hear what the young paramedic had to say. “Mr. Gage,” he intoned with a wave of his hand for the tall, dark haired man to come stand before him.

John rose from his seat, picking up a thin sheath of paper and giving Roy a glance and short, nervous, blowing out of his breath before turning his attention to the judge.  He walked over to stand at the short podium and set the paper down. He shifted anxiously from foot to foot as he waited for the judge to address him.

“Mr. Gage?” He questioned finally looking up.

“Yes sir,” he replied softly.

“According to Mr. Fry and Mrs. Gwinn you are here to petition the court to allow Mr. Masters to donate his organs, specifically his heart after his inevitable and regrettable passing is that correct?”

“Yes sir,” he answered quietly, the dark eyes sad and haunted by the prospect.

“Did you at any time pressure him into this decision?” He inquired, his own eyes boring into John, seeking the truth not only from his answer but by the expression on the young man’s face.

“No sir; this is Tommy’s idea. It’s what he told me he wanted to do and I thought it was a very unselfish thing to want to do for someone else. In fact…I told my aunt that I wanted to do the same thing if something happened to me,” he added.

“See your Honor,” Mrs. Gwinn interrupted. “This had to be his idea. Where would an eleven year old get such a horrendous idea?”

“Mrs. Gwinn; please sit down. You had your turn,” the judge said sternly.

She sank slowly into her seat, shooting a glare at John. “Yes sir,” she replied glumly.

Judge Arnold returned his attention to John. “Can you tell me where he did come up with this idea?” He asked.

John nodded. “Yes sir. There’s a young boy in the bed next to him. He has a heart defect and the only thing that will save him is a heart transplant. When Tommy found out he asked the doctor if he could give him his. The doctor said he’d have to get his guardians permission. When they refused he asked me to help him.”

“And you agreed?”

“Yes sir.”

“Why?” Arnold pressed.

John was ready for this. He glanced at his notes knowing he had to make the judge understand. “Your Honor; I only met Tommy a few months ago but in that time I have found him to be more mature than most kids his age. He had to grow up fast because he lost his parents so young. I guess we formed that bond because I understood. I lost both of my parents before I was twelve,” he explained.

“I’m sorry,” the judge replied softly, seeing the pain in John’s face as he answered.

“Thank you sir. Anyway; I wanted to adopt Tommy but everyone said there was no way a court would let me do that because I’m single and my schedule is so erratic,” he continued.

The Judge nodded. “Sadly they were most likely correct,” he agreed.

John nodded. “Anyway, Tommy wanted to be a fireman. He’d made it clear that was his goal and I wanted to help him,” he added with a shrug.

“Because he wanted to be a hero like you?” The judge questioned.

John’s face colored at the description. “I don’t think of myself as a hero sir,” John protested.

“But Thomas does.”

“I guess but as far as I’m concerned Tommy is the real hero here. He’d come so far before this tumor brought him down,” John added. “It’s all he wanted…It was his dream.”

“Thomas is a CHILD not a hero,” Mrs. Gwinn growled.

John glanced at the woman before returning his attention to the Judge.

“A hero’s heart can’t be seen in his age or his size or even by the coat he wears. It’s seen by the strength he finds in himself when faced with overwhelming obstacles,” The young paramedic told the judge, his voice plaintive, determined and cracking with emotion.

He turned once again to the man and woman sitting at the table across the way for a brief moment before turning back to the man behind the bench. His coming comments obviously aimed at all of the people in the room. He glanced at the papers on the podium.

“Someone once said, *‘Do not let your fire go out…Spark by irreplaceable spark. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved but will never be able to have. Check the road and nature of your battle…The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours’,” he stressed. “Please Mr. Fry…Miss Gwinn, don’t take away the only chance Tommy has to achieve that dream for himself …Please,” he pleaded, giving the austere couple his best pleading look.

There was a subtle softening of their hardened features, but neither seemed moved to change their minds, and speak in his behalf.

“A…hem,” the Judge interrupted, clearing his throat and swallowing back the sudden lump in his esophagus. “Thank you Mr. Gage; I’ll speak to Mr. Masters later today, and give him a chance to tell me what he wants to do. I’ll take everything into consideration at that point and give all of you my ruling in the morning,” he added, banging his gavel before rising and stepping down off the platform.

“Thank you your honor,” John replied softly to the retreating figure.

He turned and pushed his way through the gate that separated the gallery from the front. He hesitated briefly next to his best friend and paramedic partner, Roy De Soto, who’d stood by him through this whole ordeal the last few months.

The blonde paramedic stood up and stepped out to join him. He reached out to lay his hand on his young partners shoulder. “You did great Junior,” he said gently. “That was beautiful.”

John’s dark eyes welled with tears. “I want him to have his dream,” he choked out. “And now this is the only way it’ll happen,” he added, trying to regain control of his emotions. He hated being weak.

John cast a glance at the couple from the other table as they went past; their faces once again hard and uncompromising. Johns hopes that they’d changed their minds sank bit.

Roy frowned and laid his arm over John’s shoulders comfortingly. “Let’s get outta here,” he said, turning his friend toward the door.

John reached out a hand as they left the room, stopping Roy and tugging him to the side. “I uh…Thank you for coming with me today,” he mumbled.

“Sure thing Junior,” he said. “Anytime okay? I’ve got your back and I’m here for you.”

“Yeah…You mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

“Um…I wanted to ask you but it might be too much,” he waffled.

“Just ask junior…If it’s too much; I’ll tell ya so.”

John worried his lower lip briefly and then drew a deep breath and blurted it out in a rush. “I told ya that I wanted to do what Tommy’s doing and I asked my aunt to promise me that she’d make that decision if the time came, but she said she couldn’t do that and so I was uh…wondering if you wouldn’t mind being the one to do it for me if that ever happens,” he said without drawing a breath. The dark eyes lifted hesitantly to meet Roy’s blue.

It took Roy a few moments for his mind to catch up with the rather abrupt request and a moment longer to process what he was asking for.

“Wow junior,” he murmured softly. Roy was sincerely flattered, but John had come to mean an awful lot to him. Could he make that promise and keep it? His blue eyes searched John’s face. Did the younger man understand what that would entail?

John saw the hesitation and thought he’d overstepped the level of their relationship. “Look; I know it was a lot to ask…I’m um… sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry Johnny. I just want to be sure you understand that would mean you’d have to designate me your next of kin…”

“I know…I know it’s asking a lot of you so I’d understand if you didn’t wanna,” he waffled. “I mean we hardly know each other really and…”

“I’d be proud to Junior,” Roy interrupted what was promising to become a lengthy Gage elucidation, pleased that Johnny had come this far in their friendship that he could ask this of him.

“You…you would?” He asked hesitantly.

“Yeah…but just remember; sometimes it happens in the field and there wouldn’t be time,” Roy reminded him, hating to even think about it.

“Yeah I know but… if you can…I mean if it came to that,” he hesitated, not wanting to think about living without brain function, dependent on a machine until his body shut down.

Roy nodded. .”Then I’ll stand by your wishes; I promise,” he said sincerely.

“Thanks,” he said, looking slightly shocked that Roy had actually agreed to it. He’d expected him to be taken aback and refuse so he wasn’t sure how to proceed. “Um…so like…what do I have to do to do that?” He asked, flushing in embarrassment that he hadn’t thought that far ahead.

“We’ll talk to Cap in the morning. He’ll have the form we need to make it official,” he explained.

John finally gave him an almost shy smile. “Thanks,” he said again.

Roy hooked his arm around John’s shoulder. “C’mon Junior; let’s go get some breakfast.”

Tommy’s eyes blinked open as someone gently shook his shoulder. He focused blearily at Dr. Brackett and another older, gray haired man dressed in a dark suit; his glasses resting partway down his nose as he gazed at the boy in the bed.

“Tommy?” Brackett questioned, making sure the boy was wide awake and comprehending what was happening around him.

“Hi Doahter Brac..kett,” he slurred sleepily.

Brackett glanced toward Tommy’s visitor. “His speech has been impaired by a brain bleed but he’s able to understand what you’re saying,” he assured the man.

“Alright,” he agreed with a worried frown.

“Tommy; this is Judge Arnold. He wants to talk to you for a minute, would that be okay?”

“Sure,” he murmured, giving the man a shy smile.

The man settled into the seat while Dr. Brackett slid the curtain closed and retreated into the corner of the room. He glanced toward the other bed where Andy was sleeping and thankfully Carol had stepped out to go and get some coffee. He hoped she wouldn’t return for a bit as he didn’t want her to hear this part of the discussion, since it likely had to do with Tommy donating his heart.  If she returned they may have to bring Tommy to his office to finish the conversation.  He returned his attention to the pair as the Judge began to speak.

“Good morning Thomas,” he began.

Tommy wrinkled his nose at the formal form of address but replied anyway. “Moornin,” he mumbled.

“Thomas; you do know that there was a hearing about you held this morning?” He inquired cautiously.

Tommy nodded. “Bout my haart?” He asserted.

The judge gave him a small head bob and seemed to relax now that they had established that it wasn’t something he didn’t know about. “Yes, about your heart. I have a couple of questions to ask, would that be okay?”

“Kay,” he agreed.

“Did you ask Mr. Gage to speak to the court about your wishes?”

“Yes.”

“And is it your wish to donate your heart to another person should your life… end?” He questioned hesitantly.

“When…Yes,” Tommy said softly.

“Pardon?”

“When my lifend,” he clarified.

The judge swallowed hard. “Yes…When,” he acceded unhappily, wishing he didn’t need to have this conversation with an eleven year old. “Uh…Thomas; did Mr. Gage ask you to do this? Did he pressure you in any way to make this decision?”

Tommy’s eyes widened in surprise. “Nnno,” he replied with a small headshake. “My i...dea.”

Judge Arnold nodded. “How did you hear about organ donation?”

Tommy glanced toward the closed curtain. “Mz Carol,” he answered.

The judge frowned and Kel stepped in. “The boy in the next bed has a bad heart. His mom spoke to Tommy about it before she knew that he was terminal.”

“So does she know what you want to do?”

“No,” Kel answered for him. “We didn’t mention it in case they wouldn’t allow it or that he isn’t a match for Andy,” he explained.

“I see. Well as your guardians, the state of California pulls more weight than what Tommy wants but, I think I can get around that should I decide in Thomas’ favor.”

“How?” Kel asked curiously.

The judge pursed his lips thoughtfully. “I could make Mr. Gage his guardian, then he would have the legal right to make that decision. Would that be okay with him do you think?” He asked Tommy with a small smile.

Tommy grinned. “I thin so,” he replied.

“Good,” he answered, standing up, prepared to leave. Brackett headed for the door. “I can’t promise anything but I’ll check all the legalities and let you all know my decision tomorrow,” he vowed, knowing the boy had little time left for him to think about it too long.

“Wait!” Tommy said suddenly. Both men stopped and turned. “Can I tawk to the Judge?” he asked.

Brackett shot a glance between the two. “I’ll wait out here,” he said, his dark eyebrows knotting with curiosity, but he sensed the boys need to talk to him alone.

Judge Arnold waited patiently until the door closed behind Kel. “What is it Mr. Masters?” He questioned.

Tommy’s eyes locked with the judge. “I have a favorta ask,” he managed.

The judge emerged several minutes later. Dr. Brackett was waiting, leaning against the wall with his arms folded.

“What did he want?” He inquired.

Arnold smiled. “It was a private matter doctor,” he said simply.

Kel frowned but didn’t press further well aware that the judge would be as close mouthed as a doctor was about privileged conversations.

He shook the Judges hand. “Thank you for coming and hearing him out,” he said quietly.

“Quite a tragic situation but I’m very impressed by how the boy is handling it,” he admitted sadly. “It’s quite a brave thing” he added with a shake of his head.

Brackett nodded in agreement. “He may be young but he’s just as much of a hero’s heart as any adult I’ve met,” he declared. He didn’t say anything to the Judge but he was just as proud of how John Gage was handling the situation as well, he mused sadly.

The judge nodded. “I’ll let Mr. Gage and his guardians know my decision tomorrow as well,” he promised.

“Thank you again” Kel said again as the judge headed toward the door.  The dark haired doctor pursed his lips and watched him leave, wondering what it was that Tommy had asked of him.

John sat at the De Soto’s kitchen table sipping a cup of coffee. Roy and Joanne watched him from across the table. The sadness in the dark eyes was unmistakable as he stared off into space, wondering for the

hundredth time if he was doing the right thing.

His musings were cut short as Roy reached over and touched his arm. Johnny jumped but his chocolate brown eyes swiveled over to look at his friend. “Sorry; I’m not being great company am I?” He murmured quietly.

Joanne gave him a gentle smile. “That’s okay sweetheart, we understand don’t we honey?” She questioned her husband.

Roy frowned at the endearment she aimed at his young partner even as the red of embarrassment crept up to color Johnny’s cheeks at the endearment. He felt the usual twinge of jealousy at how close his wife had grown to John. It was one thing for him to have a bond with his friend but quite another for his wife too, he pondered unhappily.

He didn’t distrust either one exactly but he had a certain proprietary attitude for both of them individually. He shook off the feeling. He knew Joanne loved him and had loved him from the time they’d first met when they were nine and she’d be hurt and angry if she thought he didn’t trust her. He knew she’d never betray him and he didn’t seriously think John would either but he still wished she wouldn’t be quite so familiar with Johnny. He shook off the annoyance before he answered.

“Sure Junior,” he agreed, turning his attention back to John, sure his wife was just showing motherly sympathy for the young man’s wounded heart.

"I wonder how long it'll take before the judge lets us know what he's decided?" John asked somberly.

"Well; he said tomorrow.”

“Yeah I guess, but …do you think he already talked to Tommy. He said he was gonna. Maybe I should go to the hospital,” he suggested.

Roy shook his head. “Maybe you should just stay away so the Judge doesn’t think you’re pressuring Tommy into doing something he doesn’t want to do,” the older man suggested.

John sighed and nodded. “I guess you’re right. Guess I should just head for home and take care of all the chores that have been piling up over the last few weeks,” he said, thinking about the un-vacuumed carpets and the floors that needed to be washed and a bathroom that needed cleaning, along with the pile of laundry overflowing the hamper.

He’d been spending every moment he could with Tommy and neglected the rest. Now would be a good time to catch up and he could visit the boy tomorrow after the Judge made his ruling. Tommy would want to know what the decision was regardless of which way it went.

“Good idea,” Roy replied as John pushed himself away from the table and rose to his feet. “Don’t forget to call me when you hear from the judge okay?”

John nodded, sketching a small wave at Joanne and his partner.

“Bye sweetheart,” Jo called as John left, closing the door behind him.

She sighed and glanced at her husband. “My heart breaks for him honey. I wish there was something more I could do to help, I just don’t know what to say,” she said sadly, thinking of her own children and how she’d handle the idea of losing them.

“Me too, but all we can do is be there for him. He just tends to hide his feelings so often it’s hard to know when he needs a helping hand or if he’ll accept it,” he said ruefully.

Jo rubbed her hand over her husband’s back. “Thankfully you seem to know what he’s thinking,” she teased. “And that he’ll confide in you,” she added remembering that night not too long ago when John had told Roy about his past.  Even the little she’d heard had knocked down all the remaining reservations she’d had about John and her husband’s partnership. They needed each other and she’d never get in the way of that.

“Most of the time anyway,” He answered with a grin. He kissed the small hand that rested on his shoulder. “You know he asked me to be his ‘next of kin’,” Roy told her sounding a bit proud that gotten that far with John’s trust.

“He did? What about his aunt?” She asked.

“I guess he asked her to promise that she’d donate his organs if it came to that and she said she couldn’t do it, so he asked me,” he replied.

Jo gave him a knowing smirk. “Would you be able to make that decision for him?” She asked doubtfully.

Roy frowned at her, knowing it would be hard but also knowing he’d keep his word. “It wouldn’t be easy but I’ll respect his wishes,” he said before he grinned. “But let’s hope I never have too,” he added as he climbed to his feet and headed off to start on his ‘honey do’ list.

Joanne’s gentle laughter followed him.

Johnny puttered around his apartment. It was looking much better without the fine layer of dust over the coffee table. The carpet was freshly vacuumed and his bed linen changed. His washer was churning away with the former overflowing pile of laundry and he figured he’d make himself a sandwich for lunch before he tackled the bathroom. He had latrine duty at the station so often that he always made this hated chore the last thing he did.

His musings were interrupted when the phone rang and even though he’d been waiting for it, the sound made him jump. He snatched the handset up quickly, fumbled nervously with it for a moment before getting it to his ear. “Hello?” He finally snapped out.

“John Gage?” A voice at the other end questioned.

“Yes…This is me, uh yeah; this is John Gage,” he affirmed nervously.

“This is Deputy Clark from Judge Arnold’s office,” the voice said, sounding amused.

“Uh…yes, yes sir,” he stuttered.

“The Judge has asked that you return to the courtroom at ten thirty tomorrow morning,” he informed the young fireman.

“Oh…uh thanks; I’ll be there,” he assured the man. He hung up and immediately called Roy to tell him, hoping his friend was still planning on accompanying him in case he the judge said no. He was afraid he’d need the moral support.

“He said um…tomorrow at ten thirty,” he told the older man worriedly.

Roy heard the hesitancy. “Pick me up at ten junior,” he said qualm.

John breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks,” he said, hanging up. He stood staring down at the now silent instrument for a long moment, wondering what the decision would be. He finally sighed, knowing there was nothing he could do now but wait. He turned around and headed for the bathroom. He still had work to do.

Dr. Kelly Brackett stood at Tommy’s bed side early the next morning. The child’s face was pale and pinched with pain.

“Good morning Tommy,” he greeted the child softly.

“Mor…in,” he slurred back, the right corner of his mouth drooped a bit.

Brackett frowned at the weak sounding voice and muddled response. “The nurse said you had a bad night?” He questioned.

Tommy’s shoulder lifted in a weak shrug. A thin thread of saliva trickled from the corner of the child’s mouth. Kel plucked a tissue from the box and gently cleaned it away before he pulled his penlight from his coat pocket. He checked the child’s eyes before he gently picked up the boys hand.

“Can you squeeze my fingers Tommy?” He asked with a deep frown puckering his dark brows.

A feeble squeeze was his response, the light brown eyes watched him with a mixture of fear and realization and Kel’s heart gave a skip of sorrow, knowing the boy was well aware of his deteriorating condition.

Brackett gave the boy a gentle pat in his hand and a resigned half smile. He pushed the button beside the bed. He’d order an X Ray and an EEG for the young boy but he was pretty sure what he’d see.

The young nurse Elaine poked her head into the room. “Yes doctor?” She questioned with a smile.

“I want an EEG and X ray for Tommy?” He said. “I also want neuro checks every two hours,” he instructed.

Elaine’s face paled a bit; she’d been with Tommy throughout the night and had alerted the doctor to his condition early this morning. She knew what this meant and her heart ached. This was the hardest part of being a pediatric nurse. Losing a child was the most difficult part of nursing.

She nodded sadly, throwing a quick glance at the pretty woman sleeping in the chair next to the other occupant of the room. It was only a matter of time until she went through this with Andy too unless a donor could be found. She backed from the room and headed for the desk.

Kel’s blue eyes followed her gaze but his thoughts winged into a different direction. The judge would soon be making the decision that could prevent this for the child in the next bed and maybe even for a few other people as well. He just wished this child didn’t have to be lost for that to happen.

He gave Tommy a reassuring smile and went quietly to the door, his thoughts on Johnny and the grief the young man would go through when he found out about this new stage in the boys illness.

Johnny and Roy were settled in the gallery seats of the court room at ten twenty the next morning.

Across the aisle Mr. Fry and Mrs. Gwinn were giving him occasional irritated looks combined with a certain smugness that made John’s stomach flip a bit in wary suspicion that they already knew what the Judge had decided but weren’t telling him.

Across the Aisle Mrs. Gwinn and Mr. Fry were thinking the same thing. Both were positive that the judge would see things there way and that they were the child’s legal guardians and had the right to make the decision for him. They were just waiting for the judge to make that clear.

The door opened and the Bailiff stepped into the room. Judge Arnold followed behind him as the first man spoke the familiar “All rise.”

Everyone in the room came to their feet in respectful silence until the Judge had settled himself in his seat.

“Be seated,” the Bailiff intoned.

They quickly resettled and waited while the Judge Arnold settled his glasses on the bridge of his nose and shuffled through the paper before him.

He glanced up and peered at the older pair in the front row and then shifted his gaze to John.  “Mr. Fry, Mrs. Gwinn and Mr. Gage…would you approach the bench please?” He asked,, phrasing it as a question but the order behind it plainly understood.

John gave Roy a small nervous look before he stood and moved hesitantly down the narrow aisle to the front of the courtroom.

 Roy leaned forward in his seat, his elbows resting on the chair in front of him, his finger clasped and held tensely beneath his chin as he waited for the outcome. He knew John and Tommy would be crushed if it went against them.

John waited for the older man and woman to join him, shifting anxiously from foot to foot while he awaited the decision.

Judge Arnold looked up, noting that all interested parties were present. “Good morning,” he greeted the group with a serious tone, showing no hint of his verdict.

“Good morning,” Mr. Fry and Mrs. Gwinn replied almost in unison.

“Mornin,” John almost whispered, already sure by the Judges stern expression that he’d lost the fight.

“I have studied both sides of this very difficult argument and spent the evening researching all the legal ramifications. It is a very difficult decision to make and the subject matter is sensitive to say the least. I spoke to Mr. Master’s yesterday afternoon and his desires were made obvious, as was his assurance that this choice was his idea and Mr. Gage had nothing to do with his decision,” he informed them.

Mrs. Gwinn’s mouth tightened in disbelief at that statement but she remained silent as the Judge continued.

“It is the states contention that allowing an eleven year old boy to make an end of life determination should be disallowed because of his age. In my discussion with this young man, I found him to be of unusual maturity and that he showed a complete understanding of his current condition and its eventual  conclusion,” he finished sadly.

He steepled his fingers before him and gave each of the three adults before him a long look. “I think some adults could learn from his unselfish example. “

John gave the judge a small, poignant smile while Mr. Fry and Mrs. Gwinn frowned at the comment, afraid it was being aimed at them.

Arnold continued. “It is my conclusion that the legal guardians of the boy are the ones holding the authorization to make the decision on whether or not to allow Thomas his final wishes.”

John’s heart sank while the older couple shot him a look of triumph. In the gallery, Roy closed his eyes in disheartened resignation for both Tommy and Johnny and the disappointment they’d be feeling after this. He was a bit disgusted as well that they would actually be allowing multiple people who could potentially use this child’s sacrifice to save the lives of their own loved ones to be wasted.

“Thank you your honor,” Mrs. Gwinn began, but stopped as the judge held up his hand in a ‘hold it there’ gesture. The older woman clapped her mouth shut and waited patiently for the Judge to tell Mr. Gage that he had no case.

“It is therefore my decision to award guardianship of the minor child Thomas Adam Masters to John Gage until the moment of Mr. Master’s death with all the rights pertaining thereto,” he finished.

Four pairs of eyes widened in shock. Roy’s grin split his face as he realized John had won.

John gasped as Mrs. Gwinn opened her mouth to protest. “Wait just a moment…,”

The younger man’s dark eyes shifted toward her worriedly but the judge again halted her words with a small gesture. “This decision is not open for debate Mrs. Gwinn. I have listened carefully to all the arguments as well as the child’s wishes which were succinct and well considered. My ruling is within the law and is final.” He said flatly, picking up his gavel. He banged it one the small block. “This matter is closed,” he added turning his attention to John.

“Thank you sir,” John said softly.

“Thank Tommy Mr. Gage. He made it very clear what he wanted and how much it meant to him to do this final sacrifice for another. He also made it clear how much he thought of you,” he added quietly.  “You should be very proud of this boy and the difference you have made in his life,” he concluded.

John blinked back a burning sensation and the sudden rush of tears. “I am, thank you.”

“Good, then go and do what you have too to make this happen for him,” he said huskily, fighting back his own emotional response. “I’ll have my secretary call the hospital and authorize it. Please let the court know when it happens, the state will cover the funeral as he is still a ward of the state.”

John cast the two older people a final glance, hoping they’d accept the decision and not fight it further and perhaps stop it from happening but both of them were well used to the legal system and its inner workings to know that it would most likely be useless. Once the judge had ruled it would take longer than Tommy had left to fight it.

They threw John and the judge an angry look before turning and walking away. John caught only a few words of the woman’s angrily muttered words. “Unthink***…cutting up a…****less child,” she sneered at him as she brushed past.

John shook his head… didn’t she understand? This wasn’t what John wanted. He wanted the boy to live…to have the life he’d dreamed of but he also knew it wasn’t going to happen barring a miracle. He wanted Tommy to have the only dream he had left to him…To help someone else. To save their life if he couldn’t save his own.

“Thanks again,” he said to the judge before he turned and rejoined Roy.

The older man shook his hand and clapped his shoulder gently. “Congratulations Junior,” he said happily.

“Thanks…I guess I need to go and tell Tommy,” he suggested quietly.

Roy saw the somber look and understood. John had won but it was a hollow victory. Tommy was now in his custody but only for the few days or weeks he had left. John had wanted to adopt the child and now all he’d have is a few brief and sorrowful days and not the lifetime they’d both hoped for.

“Let’s get going then,” he said softly.

“You want me to come with you to the hospital Junior?” Roy asked his young friend as they left the courthouse.

John was still unsure about the strength of his friendship with Roy. He knew the older man had things to do at home and he didn’t want to infringe on his partner’s time or Roy and Joanne might not want him around, besides; he’d already done enough for him the past two days.

“”I think Jo’s got a list of thing for you to do,” he said, trying to sound light and teasing about it.

“Nothing that can’t wait if you need me,” he replied quietly.

The dark eyes locked hesitantly with blue. He could really have used the support but that old uncertainty about being a burden in other people’s lives was too ingrained in his soul. He finally shook his head. He’d started down this path against Roy’s advice; he didn’t feel right about dragging him into his problems.

He shook his head.  “Guess I’ll just head home and change and then go to the hospital,” he replied with an unenthusiastic sigh.

Roy nodded. He’d really like to have stayed with John. He knew the young man needed someone but he wouldn’t push him if he didn’t want his help. John was a loner and it would take time to break down those walls.

“If that’s what you want,” he replied.

They climbed into John’s old camper and headed for Roy’s house.

Kelly Brackett glanced up as John made his way slowly toward him. He’d already received a call from Judge Arnold’s secretary and she had promised to telex the paperwork to him before the end of the day.

Brackett was pretty sure he knew what Tommy wanted and what Johnny was prepared to do but he still required the young paramedic’s permission before he began any kind of testing. He was very grateful for the rapid decision. Tommy wasn’t doing well and Kel knew from the tests this morning and experience that the boy’s time was running out.

John glanced up as he walked down the hall toward the base station. He caught sight of Brackett and gave him a small smile laden with mixed emotions. He’d won the fight but it felt hollow with what he was about to set into motion.

“Hey Doc,” he greeted the dark haired surgeon.

“Johnny,” Kel replied.

“Did um…did the Judges secretary call you?” He asked hesitantly, worrying about how he’d get the ball rolling if she hadn’t since he didn’t have any proof of the Judge’s decision with him.

“Yes she did. I just had to wait for you to sign the forms before we can begin,” he said gently.

 “Yeah,” John agreed softly, looking a bit depressed.

“I know this isn’t easy Johnny, but it is the right thing for Tommy,” he assured the younger man.

John nodded despondently. “Yeah…I know but thinking about losing him…Well…,” John said with a shrug, unwilling to discuss his feelings openly with the Doctor. He had only ever bared his soul with Roy and even then, he hadn’t told him EVERYTHING; he couldn’t bear remembering all that had been done to him.  It was too painful; too humiliating. Even what he had shared was embarrassing enough.

“It hurts,” Kel said softly. He didn’t know anything about John’s past but he did know that Johnny was an orphan and that he’d been abused. He didn’t know the particulars and he wouldn’t press as he and the young fire fighter had only just recently established an uneasy truce.

John nodded. “So where do I start?” He finally asked, staring at his feet as he twisted his toe nervously into the white linoleum covered floor.

“Let’s go to my office. I have the papers ready there that will authorize the tests to find out if he’s compatible with Andy, and that give us permission to harvest his…” Kel stopped at the woebegone expression on the younger man’s face. “Well…you know,” he finished lamely.

John nodded again. “Okay…Maybe I should talk to Tommy first…Be sure he hasn’t changed his mind,” he added forlornly.

Kel pursed his lips. “You can do that of course but…”

John gave the doctor a suspicious look. “But what?”

“Well; I just want to warn you that Tommy’s um...,” he hesitated. There was no easy way to say it. He saw John’s face tighten uneasily with his reluctant pause. He pushed on. “Tommy’s had a mild stroke Johnny. He’s in a lot of pain today and we’re been keeping him pretty well sedated,” he explained.

John’s face paled a bit. “What does that mean exactly for Tommy?” He pressed.

Kel glanced at the floor and folded his arms over his chest. A gesture John recognized that whatever he was about to say was matter of fact and probably not good. He was right.

“Tommy’s in the last stages Johnny. He hasn’t got much longer. His ability to communicate is failing and his cognition is worsening,” he said honestly.

John rocked slowly in his chair and swallowed heavily, blinking back tears. He caught himself quickly and stopped, giving the doctor an uneasy glance that he’d caught him doing that yet again. John himself didn’t know why he did it but it only happened when he was extremely upset.

“Okay um…I’ll just run up there for a minute. Just to see how he is. I’ll be back soon,” he promised, almost hoping the boy would have changed his mind and he wouldn’t have to make this decision, but he knew Tommy wouldn’t give this up.

Kel nodded understandingly “Alright. I’ll be in my office unless something comes up,” he told him nodding toward the base station meaningfully.

“I’ll be quick,” he promised.

Kel nodded as John walked toward the elevators. He felt a presence at his elbow and glanced over to find Dixie standing at his shoulder. She stared after the young Paramedic as the lift doors closed in front of him.

“What’s going on?” She asked the man at her side.

“John’s going up to visit Tommy,” he told her solemnly.

“He looks so sad. I thought he won in court this morning,” she questioned.

“But what did he win Dix?” He asked gently, thinking of the young man’s difficult position.

Dixie’s blue eyes filled with tears and she nodded understandingly at her young friend’s broken heart, sure in her own heart that John had suffered enough pain in his young life and wished he didn’t have to go through anymore.

Johnny stepped into Tommy’s room. The boy appeared to be asleep and John’s dark brown eyes swiveled to where Carol sat next to Andy. The child seemed weak but he smiled at his mom as she pretended to drive a car up and down his arms and over his small belly.

She giggled softly until she looked over at John. Her eyes moved to the boy in the bed before they returned to the tall dark haired man. She gave him a gentle, understanding smile. She’d heard the quiet talking of the doctors and nurses this morning and she knew the boy was fading fast. Her heart broke for both the child and the young fireman that had befriended him.

John gave her a small nod and went to the bed. He reached out to take the small hand that rested unmoving on the bed. The boys face was pale and his expressive mouth turned down at one corner but his eyes fluttered open at John’s touch.

The left side of the bow mouth turned up briefly in greeting before the light brown eyes closed once more. “Wha hap…ned?” He breathed out, barely audible.

“We won Tommy,” he answered, immediately understanding what the boy wanted to know. “They gave me guardianship,” he said reassuringly.

A fleeting smile once again curled the mouth before disappearing. Tommy was glad that the nice judge had come through for him and he hoped he’d keep his word for the rest of what he’d asked of him.

Johnny squeezed his hand. He had to ask. “Tommy…They want me to sign those papers,” he hesitated for a long moment. “Tommy; are you sure this is what you want? You can still change your mind.”

The eyes blinked open to lock with John’s. Tommy gave him a slow deliberate shake of his head before his lids drooped tiredly closed.

John sighed and nodded to himself. “Then I’ll take care of this; I promise,” he assured the child.

Tommy gave the barest head bob before he dropped off to sleep.

John swallowed back the threatening tears. He turned away and caught Carol’s eyes on him. “I’m sorry,“ she murmured softly.

She had no idea that this could be her own child’s salvation and John couldn’t tell her without knowing that Tommy could actually donate his heart to Andy. John threw her a sorrowful smile. “Thanks,” he mumbled before he fled out the door to avoid disgracing himself completely.

He headed for the elevators to meet with Brackett and keep a promise he’d made.

Carol glanced up twenty minutes later as a nurse she’d never seen before came into the room. She gave her a polite nod before she went to Tommy’s bed. She drew the curtain closed and set down the small basket she was carrying.

She plucked a syringe from the carrier and several small vials and set to work. Ten minutes later she whisked the curtain back and without a word to Carol, left the room carrying her precious prize. She’d been told by another nurse what the boy wanted to have done and she hoped for the sake of both children in this room that it would all work out.

Carol returned her attention to Andy, wondering what that had been about. Poor child, she mused to herself. He was going through all this and they still had to be constantly poking and prodding at him. She figured there must be a reason but she wished they could just let him alone for whatever time he had left.

Her thoughts were interrupted as John came back into the room. His dark eyes were red as if he was fighting back tears. Well she could well understand that, She’d shed enough over her own child over the last couple of weeks.

John avoided looking at her, embarrassed by the evidence of his own emotions that he couldn’t conceal. That had been the hardest thing he’d ever done he reflected. Sitting at the desk with Dr. Brackett and Dixie signing the papers that would allow them to take this child’s organs and give them to another.

Another child or maybe even others as the good doctor had explained that would get the chance to live and achieve the dreams Tommy would be denied. It just wasn’t fail, he pondered for the hundredth time. Why did Tommy have to die? Why couldn’t he live out those hopes and dreams?

John swiped angrily at the tears that spilled over his cheeks. He wouldn’t cry he told himself. There was no point. It wouldn’t change anything, he reminded himself as had so many times before in his youth when he’d lost what he held so dear to him. His parents, his home, his dignity, his horse Windsong, killed by his spoiled cousin Joshua, the fire captain in San Gabriel, his friend Jim and now Tommy. It just never paid to love anything or anyone. He’s only ended up losing it.

 He remembered his grandfathers admonishing voice. ‘We are men of strength. We do not cry. Crying is for children and old women.’ And then he thought of Roy not too long ago telling him it was okay. It was confusing but he’d held his emotions in too long to let them have free reign. He had to prove he was strong…had to stay that way for Tommy.

He settled into the chair next to the child, prepared to stay until morning. He had to be at the station and he’d already lost too many days over the last couple of weeks to take off. Money would be tight and as much as he’d rather stay with Tommy, he still had bills to pay. He had to work.

John had been sitting at the boy’s bedside for several hours. He wondered how long the tests would take before they knew if Tommy could help Andy. He knew he’d be able to help someone else regardless, but it had been Tommy’s wish to save Andy’s life

His stomach growled annoyingly interrupting his musings and he was irritated with himself that he could think of food when this child was here slowly growing weaker and possibly slipping away from him forever.

He was contemplating just running down to the cafeteria when the door opened. Dr. Brackett entered the room with another doctor that John recognized as Andy’s Doctor. Someone named Martinez. Two orderlies followed.. He pointed at Andy’s bed. “Room 301,” he instructed.

Carol rose to her feet. “What’s going on?” She questioned fearfully.

Brackett and Martinez turned back to her, holding out a hand in a halting gesture to stop her frightened words. “We’re moving Andy to another room.”

“But why?” She questioned worriedly throwing a glance toward Tommy, afraid they were going to tell her that the child’s death was imminent and they didn’t want her there.

Johnny looked toward Brackett and received the subtle nod of the dark head. Tommy was a match. He smiled poignantly.

“We have a donor match for Andy,” Martinez informed her. “It could be a few days yet but it’s a definite match,” he added.

Carol smiled happily but then a confused frown creased her pretty face. “A few days?” She asked.

“The um…the donor hasn’t passed away but it is…unfortunately imminent,” he said with a no nonsense clinical tone.

John’s heart turned a small flip and Kel frowned at the less than tactful physician “Can you go with Andy?” Brackett suggested.

Martinez scowled at the dark haired doctor but took the hint. “I’ll see he gets settled,” he said brusquely before turning and heading out the door.

John glared at his retreating figure before returning his attention to Carol and Dr. Brackett. “I don’t understand?” She pressed. “Why can’t Andy just stay here?”

John rose from his seat and cast Brackett a glance. “Do you want to tell her?” Brackett questioned softly.

The younger man nodded and walked slowly toward her. She looked at him in confusion for a moment before the eyes filled with horror and understanding. “No,” she whispered brokenly.

John nodded. “Yes…Tommy um…wanted this for you… and Andy,” he said with a choked sound to his voice. “He asked specifically… that when he um… passed that he could give his heart to Andy,” he finished, swallowing back his own grief.

Tears rolled from the woman’s eyes to run in small rivers down her cheeks. She was grateful that her son now had a chance but at what price? This other child she had grown to care for was going to die…soon. She had hoped for a miracle far both children and now only Andy would receive it.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, knowing John’s heart had to be breaking. “But thank you,” she added before walking quickly to Tommy’s bed. Tears dripped onto the child’s face as she leaned down to kiss the pale cheek. “Thank you Tommy. We will always be grateful,” she said softly, stoking the dark hair from the boy’s forehead.

Tommy sighed in his sleep but didn’t stir. She turned and ran for the door fighting to hold the sobs of gratitude and sorrow in as she stepped into the hall and walked quickly down the corridor to her son’s room.

Brackett turned to John. “I know that was hard,” he began but Johnny stopped him with a shake of the head.

“Not now doc,” he whispered miserably, turning around and heading back to Tommy’s bedside.

Kel nodded, wishing there was something he could say that would help ease the pain the young man was feeling.

John spent the rest of the day with Tommy. The boy slept most of the time but even when he was awake he was quiet and pale. The pain meds weren’t doing the job anymore and Brackett was keeping him sedated more and more often.

The small stroke had left his speech almost unintelligible and his right side partially paralyzed. The tumor had grown and pinched off the oxygen supply to the left side of the child’s brain. When he was awake, the light brown eyes held an alternating mixture of childish fear, mature understanding and sorrowful acceptance.

The young paramedic held his hand and stroked the boy’s brow until he’d nod off again under the gentle reassurances. “I’m here Tommy and it’s gonna be okay.” The child would sleep and John’s heart ached knowing it was a lie. It wasn’t okay and never would be.

He fell asleep in the chair hoping and praying for a miracle.

The sun was creeping through the orange clouds lightening the sky when the early morning routine of the nursing staff woke him. He sat up stiffly in his chair and glanced at Tommy.

The boys eyes were open and watching him. “Mornin Kiddo,” he greeted the child.

“Morn,” he slurred.

“How are you feeling? Are you in pain?” He questioned anxiously.

Tommy squinted up at him. “Hea hurz,” he mumbled.

“I’ll get the nurse,” he said but Tommy gave a tiny negative head shake.

“Wan awake,” he managed. John understood. “Wan sun,” he added.

John frowned. “Sun?”

The boy’s head turned toward the window. John’s stomach turned a small flip. Tommy hadn’t been out of the hospital for a month besides a couple of quick trips to the garden in his wheelchair. The boy knew he was failing and wanted to see the sun.

“You got it kiddo,” he replied as he headed for the door. He snagged an available wheelchair and pushed it into the room. John lifted the boy out of the bed and set him in the chair. He grasped the IV Stand and pulled it around so he could push it along beside the chair.

He opened the door and propelled the chair into the hall. The nurses glanced up as he passed. “Where do you think you’re going?” One snapped at the young paramedic.

“Tommy wants to see the sunrise,” he replied without hesitating. He had no intention of letting anyone stop the boy from doing what he wanted.

“You can’t take him out, he’s…” She was halted by a hand on her arm. Elaine stood next to her shaking her head.

“He’s his guardian…He can do what he wants,” she informed the older woman. “Besides; what harm can it do?” She asked with a raised brow.

The older woman’s mouth snapped shut. Elaine was right. The boy was dying, why not let him have what he wanted. She nodded, not that it mattered; John had no intention of denying the eleven year old anything at this point

They went down in the elevator and out into the garden courtyard. Stone benches lined a smooth walkway. Shady trees over hung those offering shade while the gentle breeze caused the flowers to wave gently in their beds.

John parked the chair and started to sit down but Tommy waved his left hand weakly and patted the bench. “You want to sit here?” He questioned.

Tommy nodded tiredly. John lifted him from the chair and sat near him while the pinched, pale face lifted to meet the first warm rays of sunlight. He sighed and leaned against the tall paramedic. John slipped his arm about the thin shoulders, holding him securely against him.

Tommy’s eyes drifted closed with a sigh of contentment. “Luv ya…dad,” he sighed, as he slipped into slumber.

John’s eyes burned and swiped at the tears that pooled there. “Back at ya kiddo,” he whispered, unable to utter the words he didn’t truly understand.

Brackett and Dixie stepped out of the elevator and walked dejectedly down the hall. Their hearts were breaking for John and this child he’d taken into his life. Both of them suspected that John Gage had suffered more losses, more pain in his short life than most people his age, though John never spoke of his past.

If anyone knew for certain it would be Roy but they knew he’d never tell them unless Johnny okay’d it. He’d never betray his young friend.

They pushed the door open and stopped short; the bed empty. They retreated into the hall and headed for the nurse’s station.

“Where is Tommy Masters?” Kel barked, afraid something had happened to the boy and no one had told him.

Elaine glanced up from her charts and quailed a bit at the brusque tone. “Johnny uh…took Tommy out to the garden.”

“He what?” Kel barked. The boy was in no condition to be hauled around the hospital grounds.

“He wanted to see the sunrise?” She explained.

“He can see it from his room,” he snapped following it with an abrupt “Ouch” as Dixie rapped his arm with her fist. “What was that for?” He growled.

Elaine smothered a laugh and turned her head away quickly to avoid Brackett’s wrath.

“Really Kel? You can be so clueless sometimes,” she growled.

He frowned at her angry tone. “The boy is dying,” he retorted sharply.

“Exactly,” she said with her hands coming to land on her hips. “And he doesn’t want to spend his last days trapped in a sterile hospital room surrounded by machines,” she huffed angrily.

Kel’s anger drained with his sudden understanding. “I get it Dix,” he said softly. “Let’s go make sure he’s okay,” he added.

The pair headed for the elevator and rode in silence down to the first floor. They stepped into the garden and Kel heard the brief mewl from his usually cool, down to earth nurse.

Tommy lay wrapped in John’s arms. His head pressed against the young man’s chest. Both of them had their faces lifted toward the sun with their eyes closed, enjoying the warmth and the moment.

Tears slid down Dixie’s face as they watched John’s long fingers smooth the dark hair of the boy’s head in a soothing gesture.

“Must have leaned that from Roy,” Kel quipped.

Dixie sniffed back her tears knowing Kel was probably right. She’d seen that gentle gesture used on Johnny more than once by the older paramedic.

They moved to stand close to the pair. “Johnny?” Kel questioned.

The dark eyes opened and met two pairs on concerned blue. “He’s okay,” John reassured them. “He just needed to be outside for a bit,” he told them.

Kel nodded, not letting him see the concern he’d felt in his eyes. “Let’s get him back inside Johnny. You have to get to work and Tommy needs his meds and his breakfast,” he added.

John lifted the boy in his arms and set him down in the chair.  A sigh of pleasure slipped from Tommy’s lips but he didn’t stir.

“We’ll take him back up if you’d like,” Dixie offered,

John gave the dark, ruffled hair a gentle tousle and nodded. “Tell him I’ll see him later and um…You’ll call me if ya know…anything happens,” he said softly.

“Promise,” Kel vowed.

John walked slowly into the locker room. His heart was heavy and he hoped he could keep his mind on his job. Being a paramedic was his whole life and he’d never want to jeopardize that. He needed to be sure his head was in the game and he could remain professional and cool headed.

One thing was for sure; from now on he would listen to his partner and his training and never again allow himself to get involved with a patient. He wasn’t sure his heart could stand it.

He’d allowed Roy into his heart and his life and had opened the door to being hurt, something he’d promised himself years ago that he’d never do and here he was again. He never learned, he mused with a sigh.

Roy and Chet were both in the locker room when he entered. Roy was just sliding his shirt on and glanced up to see his partner standing there. The exhausted look in his eyes stopped him from his task.

“Are you alright?” The worried older man asked his best friend.

John nodded as Chet turned toward him curiously. “What’s eating ya Gage?” He questioned, prepared to give his friend a hard time if it was nothing serious.

John shot him a glance but answered his partner instead. “I spent the night at the hospital with Tommy,” he said sadly.

“Did you sign the papers?”

“Yeah,” he replied.

“What papers?” Chet pressed.

“The judge gave me guardianship of Tommy.”

Chet smacked his head in self deprecation that he’d forgotten something that important. “I forgot,” he muttered, resting his hip against the shelf in his locker.

“Forgot what?” Marco asked as he walked into the middle of the conversation, Mike already in uniform was close behind.

“Gage’s court case about the kid,” he answered.

“Oh yeah,” Marco murmured giving the young paramedic a worried glance.

“How’d it go?” Mike asked in concern.

“The judge gave me guardianship of Tommy,” John answered.

“So now what?” Marco asked.

“I signed the uh…papers yesterday that would um…that would allow um,” he hesitated.

“For organ donation,” Roy finished for him, sensing John’s distress.

“Oh wow,” Marco muttered.

“I’m sorry Johnny,” Mike added sadly.

“It gets worse,” John added looking miserable.

Roy stepped closer to his unhappy looking partner. “What is it?” He questioned quietly.

John’s dark eyes lifted to meet his friends. The heart wrenching look in them made Roy’s stomach sink. “Tommy had a small stroke yesterday morning,” he told them.

“Oh God Junior; I’m sorry,” Roy said resting his hand on John’s shoulder.

Johnny tensed at his touch, something he hadn’t done in weeks since he’d opened up and told him the truth about his past. Roy was afraid that John was closing himself off from the pain by putting those walls back in place to hide his feelings and his grief. Roy wasn’t about to let that happen.

“How bad,” he pressed.

John’s mouth tightened and his teeth tugged at his lip to stop the slight tremble from being evident. “He’s dying Roy,” he whispered with a hitch in his voice.

The other three members of the crew gasped in horror as Roy’s fatherly side kicked in. “Oh God Johnny,” he commiserated as he reached out to grip his friend’s shoulder, intending to pull John closer to offer comfort …It was automatic and without hesitation,  but John back pedaled out of reach.

“No,” he breathed out, his hand rose to ward off his friends well meaning action. “Please,” he added. knowing he’d completely humiliate himself in front of the others if he let Roy show him any pity.

The older man stopped in understanding. He’d promised the younger man he’d never embarrass him in front of the others with those brotherly or paternal gestures but this was different. John needed to let this out. He was just sorry that this had happened here instead of somewhere private where John could just let go, but he knew his stubborn partner too well to think pressing the issue would help.

He’d just get angry that Roy had given the others the ammunition to harass him with later, though Roy doubted they’d be crass enough to do that; most of them anyway, he amended, looking to Chet Kelly.

Chet cast a slightly bemused look at Roy’s glance but turned his attention back to Johnny. “Anything you need partner. Any place, any time,” he added sincerely.

“Thanks Palley.”

“Same here John…whatever you need,” Mike said including the other two with a head nod. They both bobbed their heads in agreement.

“Thanks guys,” he said sadly, touched at their offer. He’d never had the support of his other crews the way this team gave. It meant a lot even though it scared him a bit to let others past his walls.

Captain Hammer stuck his head into the locker room. “You guys planning on staying in this room all day?” He barked.

The snapped order broke the mood and they all began to finish up and head out to the apparatus bay. Roy would fill Captain Hammer in later and in the meantime, he’d be ready to offer Johnny any support he needed.

Roy gave Joanne a call shortly after he finished with Captain Hammer. “Hey babe,” he greeted her slightly breathless greeting.

“Hi Honey; what’s up?” She questioned curiously.

“I just wanted to let you know what’s going on with Tommy,” he said softly.

There was a long pause. “Is it bad?”She asked worriedly.

“Yeah Honey; it’s very bad. Tommy had a small stroke this morning,” he explained.

He heard her indrawn breath as she choked back a sob. “Oh my God,” she squeaked. “Is there anything I can do? Does Johnny need us?”

“Not that he’ll tell me, but I don’t intend to let him go through this all alone,” he vowed.

“Me either. You know what? I’m going to the hospital to stay with Tommy while John is working so he won’t be worried that he’s there all alone.”

“Good idea but what about Chris and Jen?”

“That’s no problem, Deb will watch them. She said anytime.”

“Thanks Jo; Johnny will appreciate that.”

The Station Control Unit began to tone. “Station 51…Vehicle accident with injuries. 405 Freeway at East 32nd street  bound. 405 Freeway at East 32^nd Street…Time out 9:25,” Sam Lanier’s voice intoned.

“Gotta run babe,” he said briskly.

Joanne had already heard the tones. “Be careful,” she replied as the phone went dead.

She hung up and headed upstairs to get the kids ready before she called Deb and headed for Rampart.

Johnny and Roy pulled up at the scene. There were four cars involved and one was smoking but no flames showed.

Hammer stepped down from the engine and began calling instructions. “Kelly; Lopez get those lines on that red car,” he yelled, waving the linesmen toward the smoldering vehicle while Mike stepped from the cab and began to work his magic with the dials.

John and Roy slipped into their turnouts and began grabbing their equipment. Both sets of eyes were scanning the scene to determine where they might be needed first.

The red car was smoking bit the driver was out and standing on the shoulder of the road. He held some kind of bloodied cloth against his forehead but he seemed okay. “I’ll take the white car,” he told his partner.

“I’ve got the green truck,” Roy added, seeing the driver wobbling unsteadily in the seat while he attempted to extricate himself.

The other vehicle involved appeared to be empty and a quick assessment gave Roy the impression that it had been parked in the breakdown lane and probably been abandoned while the driver walked somewhere to call for help. Probably the luckiest breakdown he or she would ever have, he mused as he grabbed the drug box and the bio phone and headed for the truck.

It didn’t take long for the pair of linesmen to get the fire under control while John and Roy got the injured treated and ready for the ambulances. Thankfully only two were badly injured. The others didn’t require more than a splint or bandage here or there. “I’ll go in with them,” Johnny said, gathering up the debris from their efforts.

“Why don’t I go,” Roy argued.

“Why?”

“Then you can run up and see Tommy,” he suggested with a smile.

John smiled his appreciation. “Thanks; that would be great,” he said sadly.

Joanne had dropped the children off with her neighbor and headed for the hospital. Tommy shouldn’t be alone and Johnny had to work, the least she could do was take up the slack for this child. It’s what she’d want someone to do for her own child if something were to happen to her and Roy.

She rode the elevator up to his floor. She walked unchallenged into his room; a tall man with dark hair and glasses sat by the bed where the boy was lying. Tommy appeared to be barely awake as the man read to him from the Bible.

He glanced up as she came inside and gave her a smile. “Good morning,” he greeted the pretty auburn haired woman.

“Good morning,” she returned.

“Can I help you?” He questioned.

“I’m Joanne De Soto.  His guardian is my husband’s partner,” she explained.

“I see,” he replied.

“I’m a friend of Tommy’s as well,” she added, giving the boy a gentle smile.

Tommy tried to return it but only one corner of his mouth twitched.

A worried frown wiped away the smile and she made herself busy, putting her purse down and checking the blankets to hide her reaction. The boy’s face was pinched with pain and pale; almost gray. Jo swallowed back the lump in her throat. He looked terrible to her eyes and her heart broke for both Tommy and the young man that had so gently edged his way into the lives of her family. This would tear John apart and the young man had already lost so much. She knew Tommy didn’t have much time left and she didn’t know what to say to him. Jo noted the Bible in the man’s hands and turned her attention back to him.

“You’re reading the Bible to him?” She questioned with a smile.

“I’m the Chaplin here. “Pastor Chuck Miller,” he introduced himself, standing up to reach out a hand in greeting.

Jo shook it. “I’m pleased to meet you and glad you’re here. I was afraid Tommy was alone.”

“No; I visit every day. We’ve been reading together right Tommy?”

Tommy tried to nod but couldn’t seem to muster the energy and finally blinked his agreement. Even that seemed to take a toll and the pale brown eyes slid closed.

Pastor Miller smiled sadly and ruffled the dark hair. “I’ll leave you two alone,” he said.

“Oh you don’t have to leave,” she demurred.

“I have other people to see,” he assured her.

“Oh; well okay.”

He left just as the nurse entered into the room.  Jo gave her a nod as she came over to begin a vitals check. “Good morning,” she greeted the young nurse.

“Good morning ma’am,” she replied with a sweet smile. “I’m Elaine. I’ll be Tommy’s nurse today.”

“I’m Joanne De Soto…,” she began.

“Oh; you’re Roy’s wife,” she interrupted.

“You know my husband?”

“Oh yes ma’am…I see him and Johnny down in emergency all the time,” she explained.

“Ah…Well I just wanted to come be with Tommy while John was at work.”

“That’s very nice of you,” she replied, looking sadly toward the boy.

Jo glanced to the empty bed, remembering that there had been another child; Andy in the bed. That this was the child that started Tommy thinking about donating his heart in the first place.

“Where is Andy?” She asked nodding toward the bed, hoping that he’d gone home and nothing bad had happened to thwart that dream as well.

“They moved him to another room since um,” she halted and glanced toward Tommy.

Tears filled Joanne’s eyes as she understood. They didn’t want the emotional attachment that would make it harder on Andy’s family than it already would be to actually know the donor that would save their child’s life at the expense of his own.

Elaine gave her a tender smile of understanding. “Why don’t you go get some coffee while I check Tommy over,” she suggested.

“Thanks; I won’t be long,” she assured the woman.

Elaine gave her a nod as Jo headed for the door and turned back to Tommy. She noted that the boy’s eyes were open but seemed clouded and unfocused.

“Tommy?” She questioned softly, reaching out to touch his shoulder. There was no response. “Tommy?” She said again, giving his shoulder a shake. Nothing… She tried a sternal rub. There was a flicker of reaction before the boys eyes rolled up in his head and he began to shake. His back arched in a rigid posture that Elaine instantly recognized as a seizure.

She pressed the nurse call before she reached out to snap a tongue depressor from her tray. She pressed it between the boy’s teeth to keep him from biting his tongue.

The door behind her opened and another nurse ran in. She took in what was happening. “I’ll get Brackett and Carsten’s,” she barked before she turned and ran for the base station.

Elaine didn’t respond as she held the boy down, hoping they’d get there quickly.

Johnny entered the emergency room shortly after Roy had disappeared inside with the two victims of the auto accident.  He headed down the hall to the base station to see if Dixie could give him an update of Tommy before he went up to see him.

She was there with Joe Early going over a patients chart. He was about to interrupt them when Brackett’s door opened down the hall and the dark haired doctor ran from the room. He ran down the corridor without a glance toward them and disappeared into the elevator. He pressed the buttons and the lift doors began to close.

John , Dixie and Joe all exchanged a worried look, wondering what was going on. A nurse stepped from the treatment room. “Dr. Early? We need you in here,” she told him, drawing their attention away from the elevators.

“Gotta run,” he said ruefully walking rapidly away from them to treatment one.

“Wonder what that was about?” John said worriedly as he glanced back toward the elevators.

“Nothing to worry about Tiger,” Dixie teased the younger man. “He has a lot of patients,” she assured him.

John grinned wryly. “Yeah, and we keep bringing him more,” he replied with a nod to the treatment room.

She smiled in relief that John’s sense of humor was still working, “Go see Tommy,” she suggested.

“That was the plan. Let Roy know I won’t take long,” he promised.

He headed for the elevator but the Handy Talkie began to tone. “Squad 51, what is your status?”

John sighed. “Squad 51 available,” he replied, turning to run back to treatment room one where Roy was still inside helping Dr. Early and Dr. Morton.  He pushed the door open. “Roy; we got a run,” he said urgently.

Roy nodded. “You got it doc?” He questioned.

“Go,” Joe replied.

Roy took off for the door and the pair raced down the hall toward the doors.

Kel burst through the door to Tommy’s room just seconds behind Dr. Carstens had arrived. Elaine was standing at the child’s bedside taking his pulse, while Carsten’s and the other nurse, Jackie were checking his heart rate and his eyes.

“What is it?” Kel snapped, rushing to the boy’s bedside.

“He’s had a seizure Kel,” he replied, shifting the bell of his stethoscope to listen.

“What are his vitals?”

“Heart rate depressed, Pulse is weak and thready.

“There is almost no pupillary response,” Elaine and Jackie replied in tag team fashion. 

Kel’s heart sank.  His gut instinct told him what no test could. This was it. “I want an EEG and a skull series,” he barked at Elaine.

“Right away doctor,” she said as she turned and fled the room, almost knocking Joanne over as she ran through the door.

Jo took in the women’s harried state and he face paled. “What is it? What’s happening?” She questioned, trying to move past her into the room.

“You can’t go in there Mrs. De Soto,” she said sternly, pressing her back from the door.

“WHY?” Joanne almost yelled.

“He’s had a seizure…Please I have to get neurology,” she said quickly, brushing past the frightened , auburn haired woman. She ran for the desk and snatched up the phone.

Joanne stood frozen in horror, staring at the closed door. “God…Oh God,” she whispered as tears trickled down her cheeks. She didn’t know what to do. Should she try and call Johnny or should she wait until she knew for sure what was happening?

Elaine gently pushed her aside a few moments later as a technician exited the elevator and pushed his cart up the hall. He disappeared inside.

Joanne stood in indecision for a few more moments before she decided Johnny needed to be here no matter what. She turned and walked down the hall toward the bank of phones.  She quickly dialed the number of the station. The phone rang and rang but there was no answer. They must be out on a run.

She hung up the phone and turned her attention toward the closed door up the hall. She’d try again in a few minutes, she decided before walking to the small waiting room up the corridor.

Kel and Dr. Carsten’s stood close together reviewing the strip of EEG readout. Carstens’ sighed and frowned at the dark haired doctor. They turned toward the X-Ray which clearly showed that the tumor had grown and blocked the blood supply to Tommy’s brain. The EEG readout gave them the rest of the bad news. Tommy’s brain activity was minimal.

“There’s nothing more to be done Kel,” Carsten’s said softly. “I’m sorry,” he added sadly, knowing that the doctor had a personal stake in this…His friendship with the young paramedic that had befriended the boy.

Kel nodded grimly; his lips tightened. “I know. I uh…I guess I need to call Johnny,” he replied dejectedly. “He needs to be here with him.”

“Yes. I’ll uh contact the transplant team and have them on standby and the Carson’s will have be told so they’ll be prepared.”

Kel nodded. “I’ll call their doctor and have him talk to them.” It would be hard on Carol since she’d befriended the child but it had to be done.

He opened the door and stopped as he came face to face with Joanne De Soto. He worried blue eyes searched his face fearfully. “How is he Dr. Brackett? How’s Tommy?”  She questioned anxiously.

Kel looked down at the highly polished, white tiled floor, unable to meet her eyes while he pulled his thoughts together. He took a deep breath before looking up and locking eyes with the obviously distraught woman. He reached out to grip her shoulders before he answered. “I’m sorry Jo.”

Her face paled. “He’s dead?” She squeaked in shock.

“No…No but he’s in a coma. The tumor has blocked his blood supply to the brain. It burst the Vertebrobasilar artery in the brain.  It’s the major artery that feeds the posterial portion of his brain and his brain stem Jo,” he explained.

“Oh God,” she whispered.

He nodded. “I need to call Johnny,” he said matter of fact.

“I tried…There was no one at the station.”

His lips pursed worriedly. “I’ll call the fire department. They’ll know where he is and get him in here as soon as he’s free.”

Jo nodded. “Can I stay with him?” She asked.

He nodded. “There’s a nurse with him. She’ll be there until he…,”he halted in mid sentence.

“Dies,” Jo finished softly.

“We have to call the transplant team the minute it happens,” he explained.

“I understand,” she whispered.

Kel gave her a short head bob and headed for the elevator as Jo pushed the door open and stepped inside the room.

The faint beep, beep, beep of the heart monitor shattered the silence and the hissing vent tube caused the thin chest to rise and fall, defying the abnormal stillness of the child in the bed. Elaine glanced up and gave Jo a poignant smile. Her own heart ached as she’d also come to know and like the boy over the last few weeks. “I’m sorry,” she told the distressed woman.

Joanne sank into the chair next to the bed and hesitantly reached out to grip the boy’s hand. It was still and cool to the touch, the fingers lax and unmoving. His face was a pale shade of gray and she knew Johnny needed to hurry. The only good thing was that it was no longer pinched with pain. She drew a shuddering breath as she realized that he could no longer feel anything.

“Tommy; Tommy it’s Joanne De Soto sweetheart. I don’t know if you can hear me but I want you to know that I’m here…I’m here and Johnny is coming. Hang on sweetie…Just hang on.”

The engine and squad backed into the bay almost simultaneously. It had been a bad fire and thankfully no one had been injured but they’d had a hard time getting it under control and they were exhausted.

They shuffled into the day room and began to pour themselves some coffee. They’d just settled in when the phone began to ring.

Captain Hammer sighed and rose to his feet. He snapped the offending instrument up. “Station 51, Captain Hammer speaking.” He listened for a moment and his face grew still and resigned. His eyes shifted to his crew for a brief moment before he answered.  “Yes; I’ll send him right down there,” he promised the unknown person on the other end. He hung up.

The five tired men watched him curiously as he returned to stand at the table. His hand came down on John’s shoulder and the dark haired paramedic glanced up tiredly. “What’s up Cap?” He questioned.

“That was headquarters John…It’s the boy. It’s Tommy. He’s had another stroke.”

John’s face paled and his hand shook. Roy reached over and grabbed the coffee cup before it dropped from his fingers.

“How bad,” He asked fearfully, not even noticing Roy’s preventative action.

Hammer’s face said it all. “It’s bad John; He’s in a coma.”

John stood frozen in shock. He’d known this would happen but he’d thought he had more time but he was wrong. It was happening and he had to deal with it. He wasn’t sure he could.

“Oh God,” Mike whispered empathetically, thinking of his own son.

“I’m sorry man,” Chet murmured as Marco crossed himself.

“You need to get down there,” Roy said as he rose to his feet to rest his hand on his stricken young Partner’s shoulder.

The dark eyes turned toward his best friend. “I have to um…I have to be there…I,” he stuttered, rocking slightly.

The crew thought it was grief. Roy didn’t; he’d seen it before. He gripped John’s shoulders and gave him a light shake to snap him out of his fugue.

John looked at him blankly, the grief and shock warring for equal time. “What am I gonna do?” he whispered brokenly.

“You’re going to get yourself down to that hospital and be with that kid Gage,” Hammer told him. “Go change and get out of here, headquarters is sending a replacement.”

The dark eyes turned to Roy. He wasn’t sure he could handle this alone. He needed his friend right now and he hated to ask for help. “Roy?” He began, but Hammer knew what was coming.

 “I’m sorry John: I can’t spare both of you. They are sending a replacement in here but I I don’t know if they can get another one. I’ll try though,” he said seeing the fear in the young man’s eyes.

“Go John…I’ll get there as soon as I can,” Roy urged, even though John hadn’t spoken the request out loud.

Johnny nodded and finally seemed to regain control of his thoughts. “I gotta go,” he said turning and half running for the door. Roy followed him.

John sat on the bench in front of his locker. He kicked off his uniform shoes, his mind was spinning. He’d lost his parents already. He’d even sat by his dying mother as she’d drawn her last breath but this…this was different.  He wasn’t sure he could handle this. God he wished Roy could come with him.

He felt a presence behind him and turned to look up at his partner. Roy stared down at his distraught partner. “Will you be okay?” He asked worriedly.

John wasn’t sure but he knew Roy couldn’t leave right now and he didn’t want him to feel bad, besides, this wasn’t his dilemma. John had started this journey; he had to finish it…alone. He couldn’t drag his partner into it, but God…how could he do this on his own?

John looked away and began to strip his shirt off. “I’ll be fine Roy,” he answered unconvincingly.

“I’ll get there as soon as possible,” he promised.

“You don’t have to,” John replied.

“Yeah Junior…Yeah I do,” he said simply.

John glanced up. “Why?” He asked hesitantly.

Roy gently rubbed his shoulder. “We’re family Junior; remember?”

John felt the sting of tears behind his eyes and quickly turned away; still unable to believe anyone could care about him, except maybe Tommy who was an orphan like him and now he was leaving him too.

“I have ta go,” he said, abruptly rising to his feet. He snatched his shirt and jacket from the hook and ran from the room.

Roy watched him go. He’d seen the hesitancy to trust again, the pain of loss, fear of even more loss and the realization that he was about to face just that in his eyes and his heart ached. His jaw set with determination. He’d get through to his young partner eventually… he just needed to be patient and keep trying until John trusted their friendship enough.

Johnny bolted from the elevator and down the hall at Rampart. He shoved the door open to Tommy’s room and stopped in surprise when he spotted Joanne sitting next to the boy’s bed. Roy had mentioned that she’d planned to stop in to see him but he’d been unaware that she’d still be here.

She stood up as he came in and stood waiting as he slowly approached the still figure lying in the bed. “Hi Joanne,” he said softly without taking his eyes from the boy.

“Hi sweetheart,” she replied quietly. Her eyes flickered toward the child. “I’m so sorry Johnny,” she added.

“Yeah,” he answered without emotion. He reached out to touch the still hand of the child in the bed. “Tommy?” He called out softly. There was no response. His trained eye scanned the heart monitor and he frowned worriedly. It was bad…very bad. He noted the ventilator that hissed away, breathing life into this child. He sank into the chair that Joanne had just abandoned.

She returned to sit next to him but she stayed quiet, not interrupting his silent musings until he turned his attention to her. “How bad?” He asked in a bare whisper.

“He’s in a coma.” John nodded. He knew that already. “Dr. Brackett said the verta..vertabr…,” Joanne stammered with the medical term.

“Vertebrobasilar Artery,” John supplied the term.

“Yes…He said it ruptured because of the tumor.”

John’s face paled even more. This was it then, there would be no recovery from this. Hope drained from his heart with that information. He turned his attention back to the boy in the bed without saying anything more. He settled down, prepared to wait as long as it took.

Chuck Miller pushed open the door to Tommy’s room. Kelly Brackett had called and told him what had happened. He wanted to go and be with Tommy and the young paramedic that had taken him under his wing and fought so hard for this precious child’s dream. It was about to come true, though he doubted John could appreciate that at the moment. He prayed he’d be able to help him.

The young man in question sat at Tommy’s bedside. His long fingers gently held the boy’s as the other hand made a gentle sweeping motion over the child’s forehead.

He glanced aside to the young woman he’d met earlier. She gave him a sad half smile in return.

“How is he?” He questioned quietly, nodding toward the child in the bed.

Jo shook her head. “He’s in a coma,” she whispered back.”There’s nothing they can do.”

He nodded. “And John?”

“He’s not so good either,” she replied sadly.

Pastor Miller nodded and walked slowly over to rest his hand on John’s shoulder. The young Fire Fighter tensed at his touch and glanced up into the kind face looking back at him.  “Hello John; do you mind if I visit with you and Tommy for a bit?” He questioned.

John shrugged. “If you want to,” he mumbled turning away from the tall man.

Chuck nodded and slipped around the bed to stand near the boy. He reached out to gently touch Tommy’s shoulder before he closed his eyes and prayed quietly.

John watched with hooded eyes, his mouth turned down unhappily until he finished. Chuck opened his eyes and saw the almost angry look in John’s. He understood. “Are you okay John?” He questioned.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled. “What did you pray for?” He challenged.

Jo’s eyes widened in surprise at John’s tone, but Chuck seemed unfazed by the rudeness of the young paramedic’s voice.

“For peace John…I prayed for peace, for Tommy…For God’s will to be done here.”

John snorted angrily. “God’s will…Is it God’s will for a child to die?” He snapped.

“John?” Joanne snapped, giving Chuck an apologetic look.

He shook his head and waved away her objection. “It’s okay Mrs. De Soto…I understand,” he assured her.

“I wish I did,” John growled.

Chuck came around and sat in the chair next to the young paramedic. “John; it’s never God’s will for his children to suffer and sometimes it’s hard to understand why these things happen, but I also know that dying is a part of life; everyone will eventually die, as a paramedic, I know you know that.”

“Hmm,” John grunted.

“John, even Jesus suffered. He even warned us it would come,” he said, opening his bible. “He said in this world there would be suffering but he also assured us that he’d overcome the world and someday there would be no more of it.”

John’s dark eyes brimmed with tears but he brushed them away. He wouldn’t crumble…not here, not now in front of this man, Joanne and especially Tommy, not that he’d know at this point, but still…

“I can’t tell you why this has happened, but I can tell you that very soon he won’t be suffering. He’ll be in Heaven and he’ll be at peace.” John didn’t respond so he continued. “Tommy understood this and we prayed together. Would you like me to pray with you?”

“Why…I already did; it didn’t do any good,” he said bitterly. “He didn’t answer it.”

“You think that because he didn’t answer in the way you wanted John, but he did answer.”

“Really? Because Tommy is still dying; he didn’t get his dream did he? He’s gonna die and all he wanted to do was help people; to save lives…Was it such a bad thing that God wouldn’t let him have that dream?” John barked, still fighting back tears.

“Oh but he did sweetheart,” Jo argued, moving closer, squatting next  to the younger man.

John looked up in surprise and Chuck smiled at Jo and her understanding of the situation. “She’s right. Tommy wanted to save lives, to help others.” John nodded. “And a child down the hall will live because of Tommy and how many others because of his sacrifice John? Because of Tommy, someone will soon be able to see, someone will have a new live, a kidney. I don’t  know how many lives he may soon touch but I do know He is saving lives…He will be a hero to those people and he’ll live on in them,” Chuck reminded him.

John looked away, chewing his lip as he mulled those words over. “He’s still going to die,” he whispered.

Chuck nodded. “Yes and it will be painful for you, for the rest of us who were blessed to have this child in our lives for such a short time and we were blessed. Our lives are changed and we were challenged to follow his example, at least I know I was,” Chuck added, thinking of the papers he’d signed a few days ago that would make him an organ donor.

John shot him a sideways glance. “I did too,” he mumbled, giving him a rueful smile.

“And so somewhere down the road his legacy will live on through us too,” he reminded him.

John nodded, still feeling glum but understanding a bit better. “I guess,” he whispered.

“Just remember that through adversity we grow and we’re challenged to dig deeper, to trust God more, to grow in faith and I promise you John…No one is truly dead to God,” he added with a smile.

He looked over at the pastor. His heart still ached but now there was at least a glimmer of peace. He’d been raised on an Indian reservation, but his father had taken him to church whenever he was at home, and though his grandfather had forbidden it after his parents has died, John had still had the foundation laid. He knew in his heart that the pastor was right but right now it still hurt too much.

He did at least give Chuck a nod of understanding as his resentment melted away and a look of embarrassment at his attitude colored his face. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

“I’m here for you John. If you ever want to talk…Just let me know. My office is down the hall from Dr. Brackett’s. And by the way,” he said, rising from his seat and laying his hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “God understands when we’re angry too, and he knows your pain and his spirit grieves with you and he forgives.”

John gave him a grateful smile. “Thank you…I hope he does.”

Chuck patted his shoulder. “Just don’t forget to repent,” he teased as he headed for the door, giving Joanne a reassuring smile as he passed.

John’s mouth opened in surprise before a small giggle escaped his lips. Joanne patted his hand gently returned to her seat and reached out to grip Johnny’s hand. He didn’t look at her but he did give her a bob of his dark head and didn’t shake off her gesture of comfort.

The morning crept by with a succession of doctors and nurses hovering over Tommy’s bed, running tests but mostly just being sure he wasn’t in any pain.

John watched anxiously as they ran each test only to be disappointed as they shook their heads at the results.

Tommy hadn’t stirred or opened his eyes since John had arrived and if anything his face had paled even more and John knew they wouldn’t reopen; He knew in his heart they’d said their goodbyes this morning in the garden and wished he could have told him how he felt. 

 John’s eyes scanned the monitors as the readings continued their erratic peaks and valleys, but just moments ago they’d dropped dangerously low. John’s breath caught in his throat as Elaine pressed the call button. “Get Brackett,” she snapped at the nurse that answered her call.

Kelly Brackett and Carsten’s both responded, and a while later John stood with fists clenched nervously  as they examined the newest strips from the EKG and EEG. They exchanged a worried glance and a head shake.

Brackett moved to John’s side as Carsten’s headed for the door. “What is it?” Johnny asked timidly, afraid he already knew.

Brackett gave him a sad smile. “The brain wave is almost flat John,” he answered truthfully.

“Oh God,” he gasped.

“I’m sorry John…It um; it won’t be long now,” he told him. “Dr. Carsten’s has gone to alert the…transplant team,” he warned after a moment’s hesitation.

John felt the breath freeze in lungs, as if a giant hand had squeezed out the oxygen. He heard Joanne’s gasp of grief behind him and her hand came to rest on his back. Pain rocked through his heart as if it were being torn from his chest.  He’d seen so much pain and suffering in his life and his career but this was tearing his heart apart. He never learned not to let people into his life. Why didn’t he learn?

He slammed the old walls down…He had to be strong; he couldn’t break. ‘Feel nothing,’ his mind screamed but his body wasn’t listening. It hurt…oh God it hurt.

He sank into the chair as Joanne wept behind him, rubbing his back gently.

His dark head drooped onto his steepled fingers as he leaned forward and began a slow rock. He felt the grayness that had troubled him all his life close in around him. He wanted to let it claim him but he needed to be here for Tommy. He forced his mind to hear the sounds around him…to feel Joanne’s consoling hand on his back. So he wouldn’t slip away.

The heart monitor began to beep a warning as the line of arches crossing it grew smaller and weaker. John sucked in his breath…He knew…He knew. He reached out grip Tommy’s hand. He squeezed it gently. “I’m here,” he whispered in anguish. “It’s okay kiddo…you can go now,” he added.

There was a long moment  of small beeps and the vent continued its morbid hissing even as the monitor flat lined. A high pitched whine began to fill the room. Elaine quickly cut it off.

Joanne began to sob quietly. “Johnny…?” She began.

He shook his head furiously. “Not now…not now,” he whispered.

She nodded. “I’ll be in the hall sweetheart,” she murmured uncertainly. She didn’t want to go but felt as if he needed this time. She stepped from the room, leaving him to his grief.

Brackett stepped back and waved Elaine away. He wanted John to have this time alone with the boy. “Call the team,” he said in a low voice after they’d left the room. “Tell them it’s over. We need an orderly to get him to surgery.”

Elaine blinked away tears. She’d grieve later. “Yes doctor,” she replied as she turned and hurried from the room.

John heard the door open behind him. He heard the murmur of soft conversation. He heard the soft patter of Brackett’s shoes on the hard floor. Felt his presence beside him but he couldn’t let go of the boy’s hand.

“Johnny?” Dr. Brackett said gently. “Johnny you have to let go now,” he pressed.

John nodded but didn’t release the small hand. He wished things had been different. That he could have told Tommy how he felt, but that ability had been stripped away by his family and the years of abuse, but he wished…he wished.

 “Johnny…They’re here to take him,” Brackett pressed. He gently pried the long fingers loose. He held onto his hand even as he waved the orderly forward. “They’re waiting in ER three,” he whispered.

The orderly cast a single glance at the man in the chair. The dark head was bowed and he hadn’t moved. He couldn’t see it but the brown eyes were squeezed shut as he fought back the tears; desperately trying not to feel…not to break.

He heard the slight rattle of the gurney as the orderly unlocked the wheels and began to roll it toward the door. The gray walls were again trying to close in. He began to rock gently.

The door opened before the orderly got there as someone else entered the room. He heard Jo’s gasp and her voice. “Oh Honey,” she wept.

“Thank God,” Brackett muttered as rapid footsteps crossed the floor.

“I got it doc. Could you and Jo give us a minute?”

“Sure Roy,” he said to the tall, blonde paramedic who had just arrived.

John felt a strong hand close over his own.. “Hey Junior,” he heard the deep, familiar voice.

The rocking stopped as abruptly as it had started. “He’s gone Roy,” the younger man whispered.

“I know. I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner,” he said softly.

John shrugged. It wouldn’t have changed anything. His body began to shake as the moment of shock wore off and grief set in. He struggled against the sting of tears, he wouldn’t cry. He couldn’t… but his partner knew…he always knew.

He felt the strong arm reach around his shoulders to pull Johnny’s head against his chest. “Let it go junior,” he murmured. The dark head shook in the negative. “It’s okay John…Don’t shut me out,” he urged. The strong hand brushed through the sable hair tenderly…it was the last straw.

The young face crumbled, the slender shoulders shook uncontrollably and a soft, choked sound slipped from his lips. John felt the rush of held back flood of tears roll down his cheeks and he couldn’t stop it from happening. He tasted the salty wetness and heard the soft sound of Roy’s voice soothing his broken heart.

“Just let them fall,” he urged, rocking his young friend softly.

Roy wasn’t sure how long he stood next to Johnny and he didn’t care; he’d have stayed there all day if Johnny had needed him but finally the shaking began to subside, and hitched and broken breaths replaced the sobs of grief.

The dark head lifted. Roy saw the red rimmed eyes and the cheeks still wet from the tears. “I’m sorry,” John murmured.

“For what?” Roy asked in surprise.

John drew in a hitched breath and waved at his own face that was now coloring with the hot flush of embarrassment. “For the deluge,” he said with a watery hiccup.

Roy gave him a gentle smile and a soft chuckle. “I asked for it,” he reminded him. “Besides…never apologize…”

“For feeling,” John finished, remembering Roy’s admonition from a few months ago.

“That’s right. It’s perfectly normal. I know we’re supposed to be tough, macho fireman. It’s what they expect us to be but we’re not. You’re not a robot Junior…You’re human like the rest of us. You’ve gone through a terrible loss and believe me…I understand,” he assured him, knowing if it had been Chris or Jen he’d have been a basket case.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, still a bit red faced. He wiped his face on his sleeve.

Roy sighed and plucked a tissue from the box on the bedside table. He handed it to Johnny. “Here junior, try using this,” he suggested.

John gave him a scowl but it didn’t last long.”I can’t believe he’s gone,” he said softly.

“I know.”

John looked up at him. “I held him in my arms this morning Roy…He uh…he told me he um loved me…he called me…dad,” he told him brokenly. “I couldn’t say it back,” he almost whimpered.

Roy felt his own heart skip a beat and gritted back tears of his own. “He knew Junior…No one would do what you did if you didn’t love him,” he reminded him.

John flushed a bit…Emotions were all still very new to him, he’d buried them for so long, he’d forgotten what it was like to have them. “God… I hope so,” he whispered, angry at himself for not being able to utter those three simple words. “So what do I do now?” He questioned brokenly.

“We call Judge Arnold. He told us that they’d handle the funeral because Tommy was still a ward of the state even though you were named his guardian,” he reminded him.

John nodded dismally. “I want to plan something nice for him Roy…I want him to have a fire fighters service,” he insisted.

“We’ll tell the judge that,” the older man promised.

“Okay,” he agreed.

 Roy noted the exhausted look in his young friend’s eyes…more emotional than physical, but there none the less. “Come on junior…there’s nothing more we can do here. It’s time to go.”

John nodded and rose slowly from the chair. He staggered slightly and Roy’s hand shot out to grip his elbow. “I’m okay,” he assured the older man.

“Yeah sure; I think you need a nice long rest Junior,” he suggested as he urged him toward the door. Roy knew Johnny had been running himself ragged over the last few weeks between work and spending most every day with the boy at the hospital, sleeping in uncomfortable chairs next to his bed; Interrupted nights at the station. He needed rest and plenty of it. Roy intended to see that he got it.

Jo was waiting in the hall when they came out. Her own eyes red rimmed from weeping. Carol and Mark Carson stood next to her. It was obvious from her appearance that she had shed a few tears of her own.

Carol turned to John; she reached out to gather the young fire fighter into her arms. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered against his shoulder.

John stood frozen, unsure if he could maintain his composure. He swallowed heavily before he patted her back. “Thank you. I uh…I hope Andy’s okay,” he mumbled woodenly.

“Thank you,” she replied turning back to her husband.

He reached out to shake John’s hand. “I don’t know how to thank you,” he said sincerely.

John smiled at the couple. “Just make sure he has a long, happy life,” he said quietly.

“We will, and we’ll tell him about Tommy when he’s old enough to understand,” she promised.

John nodded, swallowing back the lump that formed in his throat. “Let’s get out of here,” he said, turning back to Roy.

The older man sent the couple an apologetic glance but they weren’t upset… they understood completely, knowing how they’d felt about the possible loss of their own child.

Roy gathered Joanne under his free arm and the threesome walked down the hall and disappeared into the elevator.

Johnny slept off and on for the next two days. Roy and Joanne gave him his space and kept the children from harassing him too much, understanding when he needed to talk or just needed time to reflect or grieve privately.

Judge Arnold had promised John that he’d handle everything as soon as the hospital released the boy for burial. By the third day they were ready.

John had done a lot of soul searching and finally come to a sense of peace with his loss. He would always miss the eleven year old, but he knew Tommy was in a better place and he hoped that one day he’d see him again. He hoped, he mused to himself with a frown… He wanted that same peace in his soul that Tommy had had. He needed that assurance but wasn’t sure how to get it.

Pastor Miller had agreed to do the service and the entire crew of Station 51 was present in their dress uniforms…Tommy would have loved it, he reflected. He threw them a small smile of gratitude.

They nodded back. Their hearts ached for their youngest crewmate, knowing he’d been heartbroken from the loss but they were grateful that he seemed to be handling it pretty well, most likely because of the presence of their senior paramedic and his wife who were standing at his side.

John acknowledged the Judge along with Mrs. Gwinn and Mr. Fry as they walked past him into the building.

The older woman refused to look at him but Mr. Fry at least gave him a nod of his head. The judge shook his head at the woman’s behavior and shook John’s hand. “I’m sorry for your loss,” he said sincerely.

“Thank you,” he replied.

Kelly Brackett and Dixie arrived. She gave him a small hug and Kel shook his hand regretfully. “I’m sorry John,” he said softly. John nodded and embraced the pretty blonde nurse as she reached up to hug him gently.

“Sorry tiger,” she added, kissing his cheek.

John drew a deep breath and managed to retain his composure. He gave her a short nod of his dark head.

His crew walked past, shaking his hand as they entered the building. They’d promised to carry the small casket for him and had traded shifts to be sure they could be here to do this final task for the brave child that had touched so many lives with his last sacrifice.

They surrounded the white coffin and in unison lifted it and carried it inside. John and Joanne followed behind and waited until they’d settled it in place before they sat and waited for Chuck Miller to begin.

John’s eyes burned with tears as he gazed at the small white coffin covered in flowers. The red fireman’s hat sat on a small pedestal. He felt Joanne’s hand squeeze his own and he gave her a tremulous smile.

The crew took a seat in the row behind him as Joanne and Roy slid in beside him in the front row.

Chuck Miller stepped to the podium. “Good morning,” he greeted.

There were a few soft responses.

“We’re here to celebrate the life of Thomas Aaron Masters,” he began.

John stopped hearing, his mind was winging back as he remembered his first encounter with the frightened boy trapped between the walls of a collapsed building. He remembered the boy’s words when they’d gotten him safely out.

“I’m gonna be a fireman when I grow up,” he said. John had gently tweaked the small nose and nodded.

He remembered the ball games, go Karts, and Disneyland and the joy on the boys face when they’d visited the station; His wish that Johnny could be his dad. ‘l love you.. dad.’ His final whispered words before he’d closed his eyes for the last time.

He fought back the rush of tears and tried to focus on Pastor Miller as he continued the service.

“In his life, Tommy Master’s touched the lives of all he came in contact with,” he told them. “In his death he changed the lives of a dozen people who were blessed to receive the organs he fought so hard to donate. He will always be a hero to them.”

Mrs. Gwinn seemed to soften a bit at that and brushed a tear from her cheek.

“He touched my life in many conversations I had with him in the hospital and I learned much from him…courage, self sacrifice, his ability to love others,  the true heart of hero,” he said looking at Johnny. “Just like the man he tried so hard to emulate.

John brushed at the tear that spilled over his cheek and bit his lip hard to stop the trembling. Roy reached over and touched his arm.  John gave him a short head bob to let him know he was okay.

“John; He loved you and he knew you loved him,” he said softly. John blinked in surprise as he continued. “He spoke of you every time we talked and he was proud to be your friend. We had many chats Tommy and I. He came to know God and Jesus and he found peace in that. He drew his strength to face what lay ahead from it and knew he’d be going to heaven. I hope you will as well.”

John sat stiffly. He tried to smile but it fell a bit flat. Roy again squeezed his arm.

Chuck read several passages from the bible before he closed with John 11:25. I am the resurrection and the life, he that believeth in me shall never die.”  There was a brief hesitation before he finished the passage with the question that Jesus had asked Martha at the tomb of her brother Lazarus. “Do you believe that,” He asked, looking directly at John.

The young man sat stone still for a long moment considering that question before he gave him a small nod of his head. He did believe that and he was sure he’d see him again. It still hurt and it would for a long time but he knew could let Tommy go now.

It was a small procession that left the chapel. Chief Hayes had agreed to allow them the use of an older, out of service engine to carry the small coffin. They loaded it on board and John and Roy stepped up the rear bumper…acting as the child’s honor guard. John smiled ruefully. Tommy would have loved this.

They slowly made their way to the graveyard and once again his shift mates stepped up to lift the small casket down from the engine and carry to the open grave, currently shrouded by a green carpet. They sat down as Pastor Miller began the age old Litany taken from Genesis.

“For as much as it has pleased almighty God to take out of this world the soul of Thomas Master, we therefore commit his body to the ground. Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust,” he intoned.

John struggled to hold it together.

“From the dust were you created and to the dust shall you return.”

Roy squeezed John’s hand as he felt the slight tremble. The younger man gave him a small nod. “I’m okay,” he whispered.

Chuck continued for a few minutes more before he closed the service. Everyone rose to their feet for a final prayer as they lowered the small casket into the grave. John bit his trembling lip…This was it…is was so horribly final, he mused sadly.

The crew began to file slowly away, their hearts aching for their young friend and at the tragedy of such a young life ended too soon.

Judge Arnold stopped by John as he waited for the others to move on. John gave him a sad smile. “I wanted to thank you again for what you did,” he said huskily. “It meant a lot to Tommy,” he added poignantly.

“You meant a lot to Tommy. All the boy wanted was to make you proud,” he told straightforward.

John gave him a tremulous smile. “I just wish I could have given him what he really wanted.”

“What was that?” The judge asked, already suspecting that he knew the answer.

“For me to adopt him,” John murmured.

The judge smiled as Chuck Miller joined the small group. “Well, as to that John, I had a long talk with Thomas about what he wanted before I made my ruling. I couldn’t manage to swing an adoption through in the little time we had left, but I did give him the next best thing,” he explained.

John gave him a look of confusion, while Jo and Roy exchanged a bemused glance wondering what the judge meant.  The Judge tossed a smile at Pastor Miller and stepped around the grave and grasped the green carpeting that covered the new headstone the Judge had had rushed through. He flipped it back to reveal the inscription.

THOMAS A MASTERS – GAGE

Beloved Son

May 15, 1962  -  April 8, 1973

John felt the rush of scalding tears burn behind his eyes. They pooled and rolled slowly down his cheeks.

Roy and Jo weren’t much better. She had her face buried against her husband’s chest while she wept. Roy’s hand patted her back comfortingly even as he felt a warm wetness spill down his own face.

John stifled an embarrassed sob and brushed the moisture from his face. “Oh my God,” he whispered before turning to the Judge. “Thank you,” he choked out with a grateful smile half tinged with sorrow. “I wish he could see this.”

“He knew…I told him I’d make it legal, but I didn’t get al the paperwork through in time. I’m sorry…he wanted to surprise you.”

“It…It’s okay,” John said with a slight hitch to his voice. “This is enough,” he added.

“Good…I’m truly sorry for your loss John,” he replied sadly, shaking the young mans hand.

“Thank you.”

Chuck held out his hand as well. “I better be going too John. Tommy was extremely lucky to have you in his life,” he said sincerely.

“I was lucky too,” John answered with a poignant smile.

Chuck smiled and patted his shoulder as he moved past to shake hands with Roy and give Jo a hug of condolence.

He started to walk away with the judge but John’s voice stopped him. “Pastor Miller?” He called.

Chuck turned to look at the young paramedic. “Yes John?”

“Can I uh…Would it be okay if I come talk to you?”

“I’ll be in my office in the morning,” he informed him with a smile.

“I’ll be there,” John promised.

“Good…Good. Tommy would like that…So will God,” he said with a teasing smile.

John grinned back before he turned away to where Jo and Roy stood waiting. Both of them had gone to look more closely at the headstone;John joined  them . They stood gazing down at it for a long moment in silence before the younger man reached out slowly to lay his hand on the smooth stone.

“I guess this is goodbye Tommy,” he whispered. His dark eyes flitted to where Chuck and the Judge were walking across the well manicured lawn. He half smiled before looking back at the grave. “Maybe I should say ‘I’ll see you later,’” he corrected.

Roy smiled and laid his hand on his young partner’s shoulder. “Let’s go home Junior.” He said softly.

“Yeah…,” he agreed.  He’d always remember this special boy but he could move on with a renewed hope that it wasn’t the end…he’d see Tommy again someday. “Bye…son,” he said fondly as he turned and followed Roy and Jo toward the car.

THE END

Story dedication: This story is dedicated to a precious nine year old girl in my Sunday School and Children’s Church class named Lanaya. She passed away unexpectedly four years ago from a brain tumor. Her family made the difficult decision to donate her organs which gave the gift of life, sight, bone, nerve and skin grafting to so many people. Lanaya was bright, loving and full of laughter. She loved God and spoke often of wanting to meet her Jesus. She truly was a beautiful angel and a gift from God that returned to Heaven too soon, and to her Grandma Loenda who went to join her in Heaven at the end of August 2017 at the young age of 57. You were looking forward to the end of this story. Sorry I didn’t finish in time. You’re both missed.

Words in Italics are from my Story: Partner’s: Forging a friendship.

*Quote used: Do not let your fire go out…Spark by irreplaceable spark. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved but will never be able to have. Check the road and nature of your battle…The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real; it is possible, it’s yours….Ayn Rand.

Posted to Site 9/15/18

Links To Parts 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.